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The Way of Beauty~

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“There’s always a sunrise and always a sunset and it’s up to you to choose to be there for it,’ said my mother. 'Put yourself in the way of beauty.” (Cheryl Strayed)
It's Wednesday morning, my morning to go do something all by myself.  It's definitely something I look forward to because I just get to do whatever I want. And I try really hard to make this morning about the things I love and want to do versus the things I have to do like make phone calls or get groceries or run errands.  

Today,  I am sitting in the shade at the Tucson Botanical Gardens. It's a perfect morning with all the birds happily chirping and the buzz of bugs flying here and there to do the things bugs do. There is still a slight coolness in the air which is worth appreciating and taking advantage of before the rise of the heat and dust begins.   

I bought a membership to the Tucson Botanical Gardens not long ago so that I could come as often as possible while the Frida Kahlo Garden is up. I also boug…

Unlearning and Learning~

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"A new medium always has a period when it is struggling inside the confining box of an earlier medium. Creators have to unlearn what they knew before they can see the fresh, uncharted vistas stretching before them." (Dave Morris)

(Note: I started this post last week. After Liam's visit of the Waldorf school, he shared that he really liked the kids but he just felt he can't go to school. It's just too much for him.)
I'm sitting outside on the porch just outside the classroom that Liam is visiting at the Tucson Waldorf school. We are checking it out to see if this is a possibility and to just a get some clarity on things.  I guess you could say that this is as much a learning experience for me as it is for him.  Since the anxiety is still very much present and this is a new situation, I am here all day with him as he is not ready to stay on his own. My parents have Lila today so that I can be here with Liam.
I like the different approach of the Waldorf school a…

The Gift of Silence and Simplicity

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To play, or not to play music in yoga class. That is the question.

I used to always play music when I practiced and taught class, and I loved it. And my students loved it. These days, however, I never practice with music, not even in an hour long restorative practice. And over the past few years, I have really moved away from bringing music in during the instruction portion of class, but I usually include music at the end of class for savasana. For restorative yoga, I only play a little in the first pose, then I create the opportunity for the students to get comfortable and accustomed to silence because I feel that this is an important part of the practice.
Now don't misunderstand, I LOVE music. I do. I have always loved music, but I have really grown and come to love and crave silence and simplicity in my practice over the years. It's taken me a long time to appreciate and get comfortable with just being with myself, my body and my breath in my practice. And I cannot eve…
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"Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. Between the two my life flows."
(Nisargadatta Marahaji)

February 1, 2017

A whole new year has begun since the last time I sat down to write. And since my last post, a lot has happened in my personal life and in the world around me. The end of 2016 went out hard and the new year began in much the same way with me getting a strange virus and getting really sick.

My family and I went camping on a small organic farm outside of Tombstone in the hopes of ending out the year in a quiet, peaceful way. Of course, life had other plans. We had a good time on our trip, minus the fact that I was exhausted and did not sleep well and then got sick.  Once the virus hit, it hit hard attacking my liver and nervous system and was painful. Thankfully, though, no one else in my family got sick.  It took a good 2 weeks to recover and, really, I still feel a bit turned around and behind from it.  That said, I am feeling pretty good now,…

Bricks and Mortar

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Just a note: I started this post a week or two ago and have been sitting on it.  Today, I was able to add to it and finish it. Read on.
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I don't have lot of time to write as I only have a small window of time to call my own.  I will get down what I can in the hopes that this will release some of the weight I feel.

I feel tender and heavy, sad, mad and unclear today after our meeting with our therapist yesterday afternoon.  We met with our therapist yesterday to go over the results of the assessment forms that I filled out for me and Liam. I was not surprised by the results but am not happy about them all the same.

As far as Liam's assessment results go we are looking at: depression, anxiety, oppositional defiance disorder, some obsessive compulsive tendencies, and sensory issues. I feel like a ton of bricks were just placed in my lap, and they feel heavy and cumbersome. That information, all thos…

With Hope ~

Here I am at Liam's school, listening to the kids giggle and play and watching them as they run by. Liam and Lila are blurs running in the sun. It's beautiful outside, and I can finally feel the shift in the weather stretching into the day. I am relieved by this break in the heat and this subtle shift in seasons.

I wish I could go for a walk, but I am here and at least I am outside, and at least I am trying. Trying for what, I do not know. Really, I think I come and stay in the hopes that today will be better, that today will be different.

Unfortunately, though, things are the same from day to day as I am still spending everyday here at school with the kids. And everyday is still a struggle as far as getting to school is concerned. And I am tired and frustrated with this mess and with trying to do what I think is right. It's a confusing mix of: keep trying and just let it go. I cannot decide what the hell to do because of my hope that this could work out.

And then there …
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I've been meaning to write and wanting to write for a long time now, but I haven't really known how or where to begin. It's certainly been a challenging time as far as life and family goes. And I think that there is a part of me that has not known how to share the difficulty. And then the days are good and then bad, just inconsistent and unpredictable really, and so I don't want to think in terms of the worst or add drama to things by writing or overthinking. Most of the time I am not sure what to make of any of it.

Anyway, not long ago, I came across a quote by Frida Kahlo that really resonated with me that I will share:


What I realized when I read that quote is that I have built a wall around my suffering, and all this shit is eating away at me. Yes, there are certainly days when I feel that I am being devoured by it all. And so I decided that it was time to write, to just share the truth of my life as it as. 
And so I begin...
Right now, in this moment as I tap away…