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The Struggle

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The Struggle
I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts and reading a lot of articles on homeschooling, free schooling, unschooling and the like. I’ve been reading, researching and listening as much as I can in order to figure out how to make this learning at home, learning from life thing work for our family.
Unfortunately, I don’t know that any of this work I am doing is really helping, though, because it all sounds so wonderful and idyllic.  Our life, a year since we pulled our kids from school, still feels quite random and chaotic.  
And as lovely and inspiring as it is to hear from all these other families out there how awesome homeschooling and unschooling is and can be, it’s also quite frustrating because it does not feel that way to us. 
Every week we go to the park to gather with other homeschooling families to let our kids run and play in the sun.  And we have even joined a homeshcool co-op which offers the kids an opportunity to learn some new things from new people for 12 weeks …

Just

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I haven’t written in a while and am not sure why.I always mean to sit down and write an entry here, but more often than not I end up spending what small chunks of time I have writing in my journal.I guess writing in a journal offers a different kind of flow than typing on a computer does, and I really like the quiet connection that writing in a journal offers.
Life is life.  It’s been the usual for us of trying to homeschool, or rather, trying to get our kids to get motivated to participate in their learning and 'schooling'.  I’m not sure why they don’t want to work but we'll keep trying.  We may have to go the unschooling route as the harder we try to implement a schedule and create some structure and routine, the less cooperative our kids are.  I have tried talking with them about going to school, as they both are lonely for friends and crave more social interactions, but Liam gets mad and refuses to even discuss it.  At least they get to see their homeschool friends two …
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To love life is a choice and an adventure. Some days are easier to love than others and the same is true with moments and stretches of time.  But then I think to myself, nothing in life is perfect or flawless, not even in nature. And the imperfection of things, the rough rocky ground or the winding road are what make this life, this world so fascinating and interesting.

I realized recently, as I caught myself trying to hard to understand the rough moments, that I have been caught up in this story of trouble and struggle for far too long.  I realized that the story I have been telling and sharing is true and honest, but I am tired of this tale of difficulty and lack and frustration.

I wan to write a new story.  I want to live into better moments even with all the imperfections and ups and downs.  I recently came across this quote: "Don't wait for things to get simpler, better, or easier. Life will always be complicated. Learn to be happy right now. Otherwise, you'll run out …

Life

I've been pretty quite on here as of late as we were busy with the end of summer travel and all the work leading up to beginning a new homeschool year.  Instead of going with Jason and the kids to Colorado to visit for a week with family, I decided to stay back and prepare for the Restorative Yoga and Acupuncture Restshop my friend Maryann and I were offering. And I also wanted to have time for myself to regroup some and get organized for homeschool.

Though I would like to say that all my hard work preparing for our new homeschool 'year' has paid off, I'm not sure that I can.  I can say that it helped in regard to feeling ready to teach the kids yoga and mindfulness class with the CREDO Homeschoolers Co-Op.  As far as school at home with my kids, we are still trying to find what works and it has not been easy.  There have been some decent days in there, but most days feel like they drag and the kids have not been eager to participate or cooperate in their own learning.…

What Happened Next?

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I want you all to know how much lighter I feel after sharing here on my blog. I felt a major shift after doing so.  It was kind of a scary thing to do. I wondered and worried if I was over sharing, or if this kind of sharing was really necessary.  I realize now, though, that it was necessary for me to write, to share, to open in that way. I needed to get those words out, those heavy feelings out because I had been holding them in and down for far too long. I guess I assumed that the healing would magically happen on it's own,  that those feelings would eventually just quietly go away. Instead, they cried their way out, yelled their way out, and wrote their way out as they needed to. And here I thought I could skip the work. Of course, that is not possible.

Since sharing that post publicly, I have been blown away by the outpouring of love and support and also a little freaked out.

I got a little freaked out worrying that people were thinking that my life is crazy hard and horrible…

To Say It Out Loud~

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It's late.  Everyone else is asleep.  I should be in bed too as I've been so bone tired and worn down.  But I can't sleep with all these thoughts and worries whirling through my head.  And as much as I want to sleep,  I also need to say what's bothering me out loud. I feel I need to out myself, to express myself because there's this part of me that is not being expressed or acknowledged or shown. And I am tired of holding it in, of saying nothing because every night I stumble to my bed heavy with exhaustion and a brain that hurts, too tired to sit down and write what I know needs to be written. 

For at least 3 weeks now, I have struggled with a strange anger and sadness and guilt and, I think, depression. I think I may be in a depression because I have cried everyday for at least three weeks. Crying is not unusual for me as I cry when I feel overwhelmed, angry, or tired. But the fact that I have yelled at my kids and cried at least once everyday for the last 3 weeks…

The Way of Beauty~

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“There’s always a sunrise and always a sunset and it’s up to you to choose to be there for it,’ said my mother. 'Put yourself in the way of beauty.” (Cheryl Strayed)
It's Wednesday morning, my morning to go do something all by myself.  It's definitely something I look forward to because I just get to do whatever I want. And I try really hard to make this morning about the things I love and want to do versus the things I have to do like make phone calls or get groceries or run errands.  

Today,  I am sitting in the shade at the Tucson Botanical Gardens. It's a perfect morning with all the birds happily chirping and the buzz of bugs flying here and there to do the things bugs do. There is still a slight coolness in the air which is worth appreciating and taking advantage of before the rise of the heat and dust begins.   

I bought a membership to the Tucson Botanical Gardens not long ago so that I could come as often as possible while the Frida Kahlo Garden is up. I also boug…