Morning Thoughts~

My Sundays begin in the early morning quiet. I climb out of bed, pull on my pajama bottoms, open the blinds and curtains to let the light in, and head for the kitchen for coffee. I pour my coffee and then head back to my room to sit in the quiet to listen and feel into what it is I want to share or needs to be shared with the group on that day. 

This Sunday was the same. In addition to sitting, sipping my coffee, sitting quietly and listening, I felt the sudden urge to write. I could feel this ache in my heart, a tenderness that was rising to the surface. So I grabbed my pen and journal and listened. From there on out, I just try to keep up with the words I hear.

Here's my entry:

May 3, 2020

My heart is tender and aching for something, but I don't know what it is. Maybe I am feeling the tender emotions of the world this morning? Maybe there is a sadness in the air, a waiting, an atmosphere of worry hanging about that I am picking up on? Whatever it is, I feel it. 

I am also trying to feel into what I need and want to share in class this morning. And I am just recovering from being sick, as is the whole family. At least my head doesn't hurt. I do still feel the bug and the tired but am better. I still feel concerned for Lila and woke wondering if she is anemic and in need of iron, and deep rest, and more one-on-one time playing? I will try these things and try to figure out what she can and will eat. 

We are still waiting for the results of the Cornonavirus tests the kids took on Friday. We should know by tomorrow if we don't hear from the hospital today. And then what? I have no idea. I guess we just stay put and work to heal. I just need to help my little one. And I need to work on my own patience and energy and try to remain calm- and remember not to ask her too many questions while I ride out Lila's emotional storms with a quiet, steady patience. I did not do that so well yesterday. I will try to do better today. 

What I can do is remember how very sensitive she is and how much she needs my love and patience. I can remember that she is grieving the loss of her friends and her life as it was before we moved and before this virus hit. She misses seeing her friends.

And maybe we are all grieving our lives from before- before this virus hit and lockdown ensued? Maybe that is what we are all grappling with? Maybe it is the grief we are fighting against, and the truth, and embracing the new? 

Maybe this stay put is about acknowledging our grief- grief we have ignored, or pushed down, or pushed away? Maybe we are just beginning to acknowledge what in our lives needs to change? Maybe this is part of the restlessness we feel and the settling that still needs to be done? 

Whatever is coming up for each of us and collectively, we must stay put and sit with what is. We must lay it all out in front of ourselves and really look at it all, as if staring at a puzzle that's been undone. All the pieces of the puzzle are in a heap-a jumbled, indiscernible mess. And now we must sort through the pile, in search of the corners and edges in order to begin our work toward the center. Then, we may begin to see the whole picture. No more abstractness, just real work toward something meaningful and beautiful. Maybe this is the real work of our time? 

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I shared the last portion (the part about acknowledging our grief and what is coming up) in my virtual class along with some sage words from Terry Tempest Williams. I reread part of her preface in her latest book "Erosion" this morning and was really struck by how similar her words were to what came up and through me this morning. I'll share just a small portion of that preface here:

"And how do we find the strength to not look away from all this is breaking our hearts?
     The paradox found in the peace and restlessness of these desert lands, where rockslides, flash floods, and drought are commonplace, allows us to embrace the hardscrabble truths of change. In the process of being broken open, worn down, and reshaped, an uncommon tranquility can follow. Our undoing is also our becoming. 

     I have come to believe this is a good thing."

TERRY TEMPEST WILLIAMS
Vernal Equinox 2019

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I think Terry Tempest Williams is right. 

Take Care of your heart and yourself and each other.

Peace,

Marcia~