Wait~
The truth is that I am feeling the sadness and the unexpected grief that this whole Coronavirus situation has brought about. One of the things that I realized is that I have been teaching at least 2 public classes, or more, a week for the last 15 years. May 2nd would have been my 16th year of teaching. I taught before I was married and throughout my pregnancies and have only taken short breaks all these years. I took a short break after we first moved to Tucson and after each child was born but that's it.
I miss my weekly public classes and the community of which I have been a part of. The people who attend my weekly classes are such good, loving, kind people, and they have become a big part of my life.
I know that the studio that I've been a part of since 2007 in under a lot of stress too. And no one knows if or when the doors will reopen and when classes will resume. We are all waiting. All I know is that I still feel the desire to teach and offer something, and I do plan to give online teaching a go even if it feels really scary and strange to me. Who knows, it may be more fun than I imagine? And maybe people will be nicer than I think?
Anyway, this is a rather uncomfortable place we all find ourselves in I think. The changes and the impact that this quarantine has had on the world has been so abrupt and hard! I don't think the staying home and slowing down part is bad. In fact, I think that part is good. It is the financial aspect of this halt that is so hard.
I'm pretty sure everyone is experiencing a full range of emotions, and I am sure every day is different. I know that I go from feeling calm and alright to feeling totally worried! All I know is that I really have to keep my mind in the moment because my mind and the future are not a good combination.
So even though I feel the sadness today, I am doing just fine and have a lot to be thankful for. I am grateful we have a warm and comfortable home in a beautiful area, good food and each other. I am grateful I can take a warm bath or shower and that I am in an area that offers a slower pace and places to flee to in nature, places that offer me a sense of peace.
I am grateful, and I am also grieving. I thinks it helps me to remember that all throughout our lives little deaths happen. And following those deaths, new things are always born.
I guess that's all for now. The words below are what came to me during my morning journaling session. Writing is always great therapy. I highly recommend writing just for you and about anything you need or want to write about just to get it out. I swear I feel lighter and more clear headed after I let my pen just move across the page. So do it. Sit down and write. No one ever has to even read a single word you've written. Just write for your own heart and well being.
I am thinking of you all, and I hope you are hanging in there.
Wait~
I am feeling the grief this morning.
I feel my own grief and I feel the world's grief.
I think we all know that things will never be the same.
And this may not be as bad as it sounds.
Things may fall together better, or be built back
together better than before?
I don't know.
I don't know what's next.
And there are moments
when I feel like I don't know what to do with myself.
But I do realize that now is not the time to do-
just for the sake of doing.
Now is not the time to figure 'this' out
because I don't even know what 'this' is.
All I know is that I hear the word 'wait' over and over.
I hear the phrase: Be still and wait.
What's next will show itself to you.
And as I continue to sit in the quiet, I listen and hear:
Now is not the time to make plans.
Now is the time to acknowledge and be with what you're feeling-
to simply name your feelings and be with whatever is arising
moment by moment, day by day.
Just look at the clouds rolling in today.
Feel their weight and notice the subdued light they bring.
Feel the tears as they edge forward
and fall to the ground.
Let it all fall around you.
Let the mess happen,
and just look at everything.
Then, little by little you can begin again
in the light of the sun.
You begin again by picking up the pieces
one by one, little by little
pulling things back together.
Follow the inner longing and need to share
and express, and offer solace from where you are right now-
at home.
There is no better place to be.
You are not lost.
You have not been swept up into the storm.
You see the storm.
You acknowledge the storm and the current weather,
the unknowing, the uncertainty, the grief, the waiting,
and anything else that is arising.
And you let things be.
You stand still and listen,
and look, and pray, and wait-
knowing change will continue to occur.
And you remember: You are okay.
Wait.
Soon you will know what to do next.
And then, you will be ready to act
with tact and with Grace.
*********************************************
With Love and Patience,
Marcia
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