Homebound

I'm sitting at home on a beautiful day. The first day of Spring. It's windy and bright outside. The clouds have fluff and are filling the sky with ever changing shapes. And the air outside is incredibly fresh after yesterday's downpour, making it the perfect first day of Spring.

I want to tell you that I feel optimistic and good, but I find myself feeling so strange and unfocused since news of the Coronavirus broke. And the whole world is either under lockdown or self-quarantine. And for many of us, this is a massive change in our lives. Mine and my family's days are not not so different than usual. We home/unschool our kids already so that part is not different at all. But for a majority of the world, the whole family is home more than ever before, which I am sure is both great and slightly overwhelming. Since my family and I spend a lot of time at home anyway, you would think that this would not feel so strange to us. But it does feel strange. It all feels strange and different because, like everyone else in the world, our usual routines have been disrupted.

I am not teaching right now because of the temporary shutdown of the 2 yoga studios I teach at, we are not attending our usual homeschool park day meet ups until further notice, and the kids are not able to attend their other weekly activities at El Grupito and  the Circus Academy until the spread of this virus is contained and everyone has a clearer picture of what needs to be done.

This world-wide halt and this massive, unexpected shift is SERIOUS. It's so serious that I don't think I can understand any of it with my mind. What I am left with is my ability to feel. And let me tell you, there is a lot to feel right now! Right now, and everyday for the last 3 days, I have woken up feeling the undercurrent of anxiety pulsing just below the surface. And just like everyone else, I am feeling the stress and worry and fear that this uncertainty and abrupt change has brought about. Mostly, I am just acknowledging the anxiety is there. I think the most noticeable affect this social-distancing quarantine is having on me is through the lack of direction I feel. It's almost as if I don't know what to do with myself and I feel disoriented.

And again, this is confusing because I have no shortage of things to do, but I think I also know that I/we can't really go anywhere. I am continuing to do plenty of the usual things like walking, cooking, activities and things with the kids, taking care of the pets, laundry and dishes, and so on and so forth. And yet, it all feels so strange and bland and odd! Why? I suppose because I am going through a big internal shift. And I think I am really uncomfortable with the undeniable uncertainty that is part of this experience.

Right now, I am just allowing whatever is showing up just to be there. Whatever is coming up, I am noticing it, feeling it, naming it, holding it, writing about it, and looking at it from all angles, and I'm not freaking out.

Inside I hear the voice of reason: Don't freak out! It's gonna be okay. And then I remember I am okay. We are okay. We have a warm safe home, and beds and water, and food, and we have each other. We are so fortunate. And I am so grateful for all we have.

I try to remind myself that there are bigger things at play here. Things I won't understand for a while. Things none of us will understand for a while. Honestly, I think on some level we have all known  that a change has been brewing and was on its way for a long, long time. We just had no idea what that would mean or what that would look like. We still don't.

All we can do now is wait and remember that more will be revealed in time. And that's just it, isn't it?  The waiting is so hard! And the waiting in uncertainty and sitting still with the discomfort is even harder. But we can do this. We can do this because we can do hard things and, frankly, we don't have any other choice. All we can do is wait and hold steady and be patient, and we can do all that and not freak out. We can.

I know for myself, in order for me to get back on track, I have to allow myself to be in this weird place and feeling of not knowing what to do with myself. If I need to rest, I will rest. If I need to cry, I will cry. If I feel the need to stay in pajamas all day, I will stay in pajamas all day.

Maybe the best thing we can do for ourselves right now is be gentle and patient and honest about how we feel and where we are at. We have to allow ourselves to adjust to things.  And we will all go through our own process, in our own way and in our own time. Unfortunately, these things can't be rushed. But I think it helps if we can surrender to what is unfolding instead of fighting against what is happening.

So that's what we can practice: let go and wait.

Reach out if you need to talk to someone or if you need help.

In the meantime, do go outside in the sunshine and breathe in some fresh air. Do move your body. Do step away from the news and your phone when you find the dread and fear setting in. Do read something uplifting or inspirational. Do create and cook and bake and listen to music and dance. And please keep your sense of humor in tact.

And please, please, please remember: You are okay. Deep down inside, you are okay. It may not feel like that somedays, but you are okay. We will get through this somehow, some way.

And feel free to leave a comment and share with me where you are at and how you are doing and share a recipe or a joke or a good movie or a quote. I'd love to hear from you.

Blessings,

Marcia and the Family