Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Mermaid in Waiting~

In about a month, Jason and I will be off and on our way to Riccione, Italy, which is a seaside resort town in Northern, Italy. This will be our first trip away together without Liam. This is a big trip for us. A whole week without our son will be strange for sure.
The good and comforting news is that Liam will spend the week with my Mom and Dad (a.k.a. J-Jah and Papa) and a few days with my sister, who will be flying in from Denver. My Dad is taking the week off and my sister is coming into to town to spend some time with Liam, Mom and Dad while we are away. We, Jason and I, are so fortunate to have such support. Knowing that Liam will be having fun with Papa and J-jah and Auntie G puts my mind at ease and will allow me to enjoy myself and this opportunity to travel to Italy to be near the Adriatic Sea.
This is the first trip Jason and I have taken alone together since our honeymoon to Zihuatanejo, Mexico, in 2005. As it turns out, we will be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary while we are in Italy, and, well, we just celebrated 10 years together this month. The timing is perfect. The opportunity to stay for free in a beautiful place and have the food provided made this impossible to pass up. I think this will be good for us and our relationship especially since things have been so busy and tough the last month.
I think the things I am most looking forward to on this trip are being near the sea, sleep and time with Jason, as it seems all three hard to come by. For one, I live in the desert so the sea is a dream. And, well, sleep and time alone with your partner are a luxury when you have a 3 year old. I will miss my little Lark Liam but know he will be enjoying his own adventure. :-)
I get the feeling that this trip and experience will be a magical one, and magic is what I am after.
Dreaming of the Sea,

Friday, April 16, 2010

Bittersweet Longing~

In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.” (Author: Unknown)
It's been a busy week here in the Tullous' house hold with Jason working a cycling camp and Liam and I on our own. Thankfully, my mom has been able to spend time with Liam while I run off to teach. All in all, things are going well. Sleeping has been spotty and we wake a bit rough and groggy, but we mange to get on with the day.
I have been in more of a contemplative place as of late. And it seems that I have been thinking a lot about the people who have come and gone in my life and, well, I get a little sad. I suppose the sadness is due to the simple fact that I miss those dear to me that I seem to have lost touch with. I know that this is part of life, that people will come and go, but it doesn't mean that i like it or, on some level, wish things were different.
In my life, I have moved a lot and nearly every 3 years. Yes, distance creates a gap in time and space. Life happens and people get busy so there is no blame just an ache in my heart. It's simply me missing face-to-face moments and everyday conversations with those who have made a difference in my life at some point along the way. And really the every day events of life are sacred.
In some ways loosing touch feels like a loss, as if this is a phase of change where it is time to let go. Life, it seems, is moving us on our chosen way. Of course, I know well that there is good to follow. For as we let go of one thing , we make room for some other wonderful thing to come in. Maybe this is simply a case of making room for the new. Maybe it is time to open my heart and life up to new friends, companions and teachers. Come to think of it, as I look over my life, every move seems to bring new people into my life and big shifts happen.
It is 2 1/2 years into my time here in Tucson and 3 years seems to mark the magical moment of feeling settled and integrated into my new community or, at least, that has been the pattern for many years now. With all the moving I have done in my life, you would think I would be good at this, that I would be a pro at this, but I am not. Moving and leaving those I love and hold dear behind has always been the hardest part for me. When I reflect on the places I have lived, it is the people I miss most.
I trust my travels in life thus far are for a reason I do not yet understand. Apparently, I signed up for this. So I'd better be grateful for all the comings and goings and count my blessings for having met some really beautiful people along the way who have helped me grow into the better part of me. Counting... one, two, three...
May I always cherish the sweet moments and take to heart the lessons learned from great teachers along the way who were so ordinary and perfectly extraordinary in their very own way.
Another great quote: (Couldn't decide so chose to include both)

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

Monday, April 12, 2010

Confusion and Clarity

The last week or so has been up and down and I have been feeling really off, like something is amiss. I can't really put my finger on it and so am still in this I-don't-know place. Of course it doesn't help that Liam hasn't slept well the past couple of nights because we all wake up in a fog feeling tired and cranky. But that is beside the point or maybe it's not... I don't know?!
I have lots of questions right now and no real clarity or vision. The truth is, that really bothers me. I keep asking myself where am I going? What am I doing? Where is my vision of possibility? What do I want and why do I feel like I want more than I have? I don't mean this in the material sense. I mean this in the soul sense. All I know is that have a nagging feeling there is more. I just don't know what that is or what that means. It's as if there is this part of me that's been lying dormant for a long time, like a portion of me is in hiding just waiting for me to discover this other side of myself, this other talent so that I can free things up. For now all I CAN do is focus on what is in front of me, stay fixed on the good things, wait out the discomfort, and hope things turn around really soon.
Let me clarify that things in my life aren't bad and, in fact, things are good in most ways. It's just a bit of confusion and feeling a need for change or clarity or something... Again, like I said, I am in murky water. I am sure the silt will settle soon and things will clear up.
For now I float in muddy water, firmly set my roots, break the surface and continue to grow skyward in search of the light of understanding.
Trying really hard to be patient,

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I have been thinking a lot about this path in my life that I am on and have come to the conclusion that I am Oh so Lucky! I have days where I have lots of questions and doubts and feel like I have no idea where this is all leading, and then I have days where I am so certain and moved and inspired and feel so blessed to have both the intense and easy experiences.
These past few weeks have been full and a bit of a whirlwind. I have been emotional but really present in a way that I have never been before. I am able to see my doubts arise and acknowledge such uncertainty and lack of support for myself in a totally different way. My hope is that all this work that am and have been doing for some time now is helping me to transform this feeling of not good enough into something wonderful and useful and helpful.
These last few days I have spent in recovery mode. I was so incredibly tired after the immersion and I think after everything that has gone on with the loss of my baby and the releasing a lot of emotion both old and new. I do feel lighter on many levels and feel that I am finally starting to digest the lessons and blessings of these past few weeks.
A lot of what has been on my mind is that of Gratitude. I feel such Gratitude for all my teachers past and present and those who I will learn from in the future. I feel that each teacher that I have studied with teaches me something new. I love all of my teachers for different reasons. Of course what I love most is how they are just themselves. From each of my teachers I have learned how important it is to just be me and trust that if I teach from that place it will come out right and teachings will flow through me effortlessly.
Since my move here to Tucson, I feel that I have grown tremendously as a student and teacher.
My eyes tear up as I write this because I have had to face my own fears to step into this arena. I felt immensely intimidated when I moved here and to show up and teach was a huge hurdle for me. It is even more difficult when you can feel that not everyone is ready to open to or accept what you have to offer just because it or you are new. But here I am. I now teach several classes a week at YO and love it and the people. I have such a great group of people I meet with every week to share the teachings and growth with. The main lesson I have learned is just to be real. I show up as I am and share what I learn and hope that it is relatable, useful, uplifting and inspiring. It matters to me to help and make a positive difference in a similar way that my teachers have done for me.
So I give thanks to all of my teachers for their authenticity, generosity and knowledge, and for all the love they give out.
Maha Thanks,

Friday, April 2, 2010

From Wow to Ow

From WOW to OW, this past week has been a wild ride. I attended the second phase of the immersion again with Darren and Christina and am glad I did. I decided to go even without knowing if it would be good or bad for me. It was so hard to show up in such an awkward and vulnerable state. I arrived feeling wildly weird and empty in my body, heavy in heart, and foggy in mind. I was definitely in the I-don't-know place and feeling pretty terrible in general.
I did a lot of crying this past week but think I needed the release. I cried on Friday, felt decent on Saturday, left Sunday afternoon because I started crying and couldn't stop. On Sunday, I felt overwhelmed and consumed by waves of emotion that took over and took me under and literally left me breathless. In the midst of the intensity, I realized that I needed some time to myself to grieve in private, so I took a day and a half away. I realized I needed to nurture myself instead of push myself somewhere I was not ready to be. I think stepping back and away gave me what I needed and think that was a wise decision on my part.
I re-joined the immersion group on Tuesday afternoon feeling nervous and a bit out of place but was embraced and welcomed with kindness. By the end of Tuesday night, I felt better, lighter, different. The class with Bronwin and Sianna Tuesday night was pretty amazing and magical for me. I dedicated that practice to myself and to a teacher of mine who is also in need of some extra love at this time.
On the last day of the immersion I arrived feeling so much brighter and lighter. I could feel my joy rising again so that was good. The practice was fun, and I really enjoyed myself. We ended the last day with the closing circle and it was just so great to really SEE everyone and to witness the impact that this experience had on all of us. The changes and the gratitude felt by all is so big that words do not do the experience justice.
When it came time for me to share, I was honest, open, and weepy in a freeing way. As it turned out, Stephen (?), who was sitting next to me, shared with me that he and his partner had just experienced a miscarriage too. What are the odds? Well, as Stephen and I agreed, there was a reason we found ourselves next to each other during practice, lecture, and in the closing circle. There are no mistakes. We are always exactly where we need to be. We just need to trust that.
So two days following the close of the immersion and the close of a phenomenal week of WoW, I am experiencing the Ow. Yes, I have a bit of a Yoga hangover as Elizabeth called it. I am tired and still a little sore but not to bad. I am totally enjoying time with my sweet boy and getting caught up at home.
Taking it easy,