Luminous Lotus~

In about a month, Jason and I will be off and on our way to Riccione, Italy, which is a seaside resort town in Northern, Italy. This will be our first trip away together without Liam. This is a big trip for us. A whole week without our son will be strange for sure. The good and comforting news is that Liam will spend the week with my Mom and Dad (a.k.a. J-Jah and Papa) and a few days with my sister, who will be flying in from Denver. My Dad is taking the week off and my sister is coming into to town to spend some time with Liam, Mom and Dad while we are away. We, Jason and I, are so fortunate to have such support. Knowing that Liam will be having fun with Papa and J-jah and Auntie G puts my mind at ease and will allow me to enjoy myself and this opportunity to travel to Italy to be near the Adriatic Sea. This is the first trip Jason and I have taken alone together since our honeymoon to Zihuatanejo, Mexico, in 2005. As it turns out, we will be celebrating our 5th wedding ann...

“ In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do. ” (Author: Unknown ) It's been a busy week here in the Tullous ' house hold with Jason working a cycling camp and Liam and I on our own. Thankfully, my mom has been able to spend time with Liam while I run off to teach. All in all, things are going well. Sleeping has been spotty and we wake a bit rough and groggy, but we mange to get on with the day. I have been in more of a contemplative place as of late. And it seems that I have been thinking a lot about the people who have come and gone in my life and, well, I get a little sad. I suppose the sadness is due to the simple fact that I miss those dear to me that I seem to have lost touch with. I know that this is part of life, that people will come and go, but it doesn't m...

The last week or so has been up and down and I have been feeling really off, like something is amiss. I can't really put my finger on it and so am still in this I-don't-know place. Of course it doesn't help that Liam hasn't slept well the past couple of nights because we all wake up in a fog feeling tired and cranky. But that is beside the point or maybe it's not... I don't know?! I have lots of questions right now and no real clarity or vision. The truth is, that really bothers me. I keep asking myself where am I going? What am I doing? Where is my vision of possibility? What do I want and why do I feel like I want more than I have? I don't mean this in the material sense. I mean this in the soul sense. All I know is that have a nagging feeling there is more. I just don't know what that is or what that means. It's as if there is this part of me that's been lying dormant for a long time, like a portion of me is in hiding just waiting ...

I have been thinking a lot about this path in my life that I am on and have come to the conclusion that I am Oh so Lucky! I have days where I have lots of questions and doubts and feel like I have no idea where this is all leading, and then I have days where I am so certain and moved and inspired and feel so blessed to have both the intense and easy experiences. These past few weeks have been full and a bit of a whirlwind. I have been emotional but really present in a way that I have never been before. I am able to see my doubts arise and acknowledge such uncertainty and lack of support for myself in a totally different way. My hope is that all this work that am and have been doing for some time now is helping me to transform this feeling of not good enough into something wonderful and useful and helpful. These last few days I have spent in recovery mode. I was so incredibly tired after the immersion and I think after everything that has gone on with the loss of my baby and the re...

From WOW to OW, this past week has been a wild ride. I attended the second phase of the immersion again with Darren and Christina and am glad I did. I decided to go even without knowing if it would be good or bad for me. It was so hard to show up in such an awkward and vulnerable state. I arrived feeling wildly weird and empty in my body, heavy in heart, and foggy in mind. I was definitely in the I-don't-know place and feeling pretty terrible in general. I did a lot of crying this past week but think I needed the release. I cried on Friday, felt decent on Saturday, left Sunday afternoon because I started crying and couldn't stop. On Sunday, I felt overwhelmed and consumed by waves of emotion that took over and took me under and literally left me breathless. In the midst of the intensity, I realized that I needed some time to myself to grieve in private, so I took a day and a half away. I realized I needed to nurture myself instead of push myself somewhere I was not r...