Apologies and Inadaquacies

Last night, just before class started, a student asked me how teaching was going now that the kids were back in school, or something like that. I went on to explain that all was the same because my kids don't go to school and that we homeschool. I must have went into all the reasons why we homeschool because I usually feel the need to explain.

Well, as that conversation came to a close, a new student, an older, wiser woman, came over to get her stack of blankets and looked over at me and said, "You don't ever have to apologize for homeschooling your kids."

That statement stopped me cold. I had not even realized I had in fact apologized for our choice to homeschool. In that moment, I felt such a sadness, and I really just wanted to bolt out of the room, lock myself in the bathroom and weep. I wanted to weep because on some level it has felt like this choice is not good enough. And let's face it, the majority of the world does not think well of homeschooling or homeschoolers. I think somewhere along the line I have picked up that general opinion and vibe.

Anyway, this student went on to explain that her daughter homeschooled all 5 of her kids. And her daughter began much the same way as me. Her firstborn child, a son, was having a lot of trouble with school and it just didn't work for him, so she took him out of school and brought him home to learn. And she said her daughter never looked back and that she went on to homeschool her other 4 children.

Honestly, it was a bit hard for me to teach my class after that because that moment of connection and kindness, and the simple realization that I feel I need to apologize for my family's choices at all, made me really emotional.

I guess the good news is that I am aware of this tendency and this tender spot within myself in a way that I wasn't before. I mean I definitely struggle with feeling inadequate in a lot of ways, not just as a homeschooling/life-schooling mother. But I'm not going to launch into all that now.

This whole 5 minute interaction and conversation before class made me realize that I don't need to feel bad about choosing this way of life or our way of learning.  I don't have to take on anyone else's beliefs, opinions or assumptions that I am failing my kids by bringing them home to learn, nor do I need to take on the belief that they are missing out on better things because we have chosen to homeschool because that's simply not true.

In all fairness, maybe part of my need to explain our reasons for choosing homeschool had to do with the dream I had the night before?

The night before I had this terrible dream that some sort of education evaluator (I don't even know if there is such a thing?) came to our house unannounced and I was really freaked out by this for a couple reasons. One reason was that I had no idea how she would evaluate how much my kids had learned and how well we were doing as their main teachers, and what that meant either way? The second reason I was freaked out was that our house was a little messy, and I really hate that. I like to have my house tidy but sometimes it's well, a mess.  It's never a terrible mess, but I much prefer to tidy it up before I have guests over. Yes, I am that person.

Anyway, I remember feeling tired, angry and stressed in the dream, which is how I've been feeling a lot lately in real life! I was angry because, as I said before, this person came over unannounced and our house was a mess and Jason, my husband, knew she was coming but never told me! I was stressed about our house not being clean and tidy and orderly because this woman made a note about our messy house in our file. And then she basically went on to say that we were not doing a good enough job of teaching our kids and we needed to be doing more.

The woman was stern and oddly, she was quite friendly with Jason and really said nothing to him. All of her comments about how "we" needed to be doing more were aimed at me, as if this whole homeschooling gig was my responsibility entirely and Jason had nothing to worry about.

And maybe that's it. In reality, I often feel alone and responsible for what we do or don't do in regard to homeschooling. I often feel alone and overwhelmed with all I am responsible for- from homeschooling activities and ideas and ways to spark a love of learning in two very different kids, and in one who is averse to anything resembling school at all. I feel alone and overwhelmed with the responsibilities of caring for the house, the kids and the pets, and...

And I struggle with anger and worry and fear as to whether or not we have made the right choice to let our kids learn from life. And I feel exhausted, and have for years, much of the time.

I wish I did not have this tendency toward worry and self-doubt, but I am just bent that way. It's just one of my quirks. And I know this is oh, so very human. We all struggle with fear and doubt. And everyday we have to get up and do our best to rise above it anyway.

I guess the point of all this is that even in the midst of all this stuff swirling around inside my head and my heart and in my dreams, I was given an affirmation, or a clarification, that came to me via this sweet woman's reminder that I do not ever need to apologize for our choice to homeschool. That simple reminder, that kindness, was what I really needed. It was the perfect blessing at the perfect time. It also felt like a reminder that yes, I am doing the right thing and that I'm doing just fine.

As for the dream, the dream made my anxiety and fear clear, and it made it clear that I am tired and in need of more support than I currently have.

For now, all I can do is work with my anxiety, embrace my choices, trust we will find our way through, and, most importantly, I can give myself a break.

I am doing the best I can, and I am capable.

Peace,
Marcia