A Return, A Review And Some Reflections

It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write. I’ve wanted to sit and write but just haven’t had the clarity or the time or the right way to put into words all that has gone on since my  last post.

I have been writing in a journal regularly but it’s mostly in the form of practice, of just bringing myself to the page to share the day to day stuff and to get things off my mind.

Honestly, I don’t know where or how to begin as I still feel out of sorts mentally and emotionally. And because I’m still processing so much internally, I’ve been having a hard time verbalizing things.  It’s been this way since I came back from my Level 2 Restorative yoga training in late August with Judith Lasater.  But I will do my best to explain and share here.

It was a big deal for me to go to the training and learn and to be away from home for a week. It probably wasn’t the best time for me to go as I was already feeling pretty tender hearted and overwhelmed before I went. But I don’t know that I think there is ever a perfect or ideal time to do anything. At this point in my life, I just do what I feel called to do anyway and have faith that it will all work out and things usually do.

Anyway, being in a somewhat shady part of San Francisco with all the harshness that a city can hold was really hard for me. And the harshness walked with me all the way from my dumpy hotel room to the yoga studio in the form homelessness and addiction, busyness, traffic, dirty streets, noise, and porta potties placed on every other block. I walked several blocks where homeless, shirtless, shoeless folks were literally passed out on the sidewalk in oddly neat lines.I walked passed people shooting
up in the middle of the day, in the middle of the sidewalk amidst their cardboard cities and homes with their personal belongings strewn all over the place. It was a harsh and heartbreaking thing to witness to say the least as I'm not accustomed to seeing these things on a daily basis.

But of course, as soon as I set foot into the yoga studio and our day of training and learning began, all of these harsh realities were left outside, and a feeling of gratitude would wash over me for the opportunity to be in the company of like-minded people and to feel safe and supported on the whole. The training itself was great and hard in ways I could never have anticipated. I learned so many new things and not just about restorative yoga but also about myself. I felt pretty off and out of sorts the whole time, but there was nothing I could really do about that but keep going and follow the training week through.

Upon my return home, I was astonished to feel the immensity of the shift within me after the training. I’m still in a place of letting it all settle, and it has been a very slow process. I don’t think all the busyness upon my return helped things any. And ever since then, I have felt like I just can’t catch up.

Life always feels full. I suppose that's just the way things are in this season of our lives.

After my trip to San Francisco, things were up and down at home with Liam and his moods and rages. But more recently, things have shifted and in a lot of ways it does feel like we have turned the corner.  Jason and I are connecting and communicating better than we have in a long time. It feels more like we are a team versus just relay partners passing the baton. And things are starting to move in the right direction with therapy and we are all learning and growing as a family. Of course, there is plenty more to learn and improve upon, but it feels like we are on the right track.

I really feel like the past year, from at least August on, has been full of big shifts and insights. I felt another shift after spending a day learning from and with Manorma and then again recently from the Wild + Free Homeschool conference in Frisco, Texas.

I was not expecting my time with Manorma to crack me open in the way it did but the Sanskrit language holds such an ancient and powerful vibration and chanting mantras is quite the energy shifter. During that session, I saw my first Aura, which was a beautiful trip.  I usually just feel people's energy. Seeing a person's energy field is another experience altogether. I haven't seen another Aura since then but am sure it will happen again.

As for the homeschool conference, that too was an emotional and transformational experience.  I did not expect that it would be emotional or transformative at all actually. I went purely out of curiosity with the hope that I would simply come home with some new ideas for "homeschooling".  I came home with a lot more- the main thing being that this whole experience can be as meaningful or as meaningless as I want it to be. Meaning: I can choose to see this time with my kids to learn together as the great gift and opportunity that it is or as something I'm forced to do.  Perspective and intention really are everything. So that's a lot of what's been on my mind lately.

How can I proactively choose and embrace this path and lifestyle of home educating my kids instead of intermittently rejecting and resisting it?  How can I make the most of our time together and really support my kids in whatever they are interested in and in whatever way they learn best? Can I relax into this experience and expand my view of education and remember that learning happens all day long, every day, not just between the hours of 9-2?  Can I let go of the idea that I need to use a curriculum at all, or stay on some arbitrary learning timeline or worry so much about everything? Can I let go into each day and this experience more? Can I say yes and stand behind what we are choosing to do despite what others or the mainstream world thinks? Can I have faith that we are right where we need to be even if I needed a push this direction?

When I think about it, all I really I want is to instill a life-long love of learning in my kids,  cultivate and nurture their natural gifts and talents, support their natural curiosity, and help them to grow into solid, kind-hearted conscious individuals. And can I make sure they can read and write and add too? Yes, I think Jason and I can, and I know my kids can too.

One of my favorite suggestions from the homeschool conference was the idea of writing out a vision for what I want our home education experience to be like. It's essentially a homeschool manifesto.  For me, writing things out helps me to distill things down to what really matters. I think it will help me to stay the course on the days when I am feeling tired and uninspired or irritated with my kids. All we can do is continue to try new things and just keep going. We take it one day at a time and do what we can.

Anyway, there's more but I feel that this is enough for now. I need to let all the other stuff settle so some clarity can return.

Blessings~

Marcia