Loosening the Grip

I got up this morning and it was so quiet and the house felt so empty. It was just me and the dog and the cat curled in bed. Jason and the kids left for Flagstaff around 4:30 yesterday afternoon. They spent the night Flagstaff and were up and on their way to Colorado early this morning, so it's just me and the pets.

I decided not to go with them as I am scheduled to teach a Restorative yoga and Acupuncture Restshop with Maryann this coming weekend and there are things I want to do and get done while Jason and the kids are away for a few days. But today, I am tired and slow and not feeling like doing much of anything. I did manage to get up and go walking with the dog as I usually do each morning and I've showered.  Other than that, I'm not feeling very motivated. And oddly enough, I miss my husband and kids. And even though I miss my little family, I am grateful for a moment to rest and decompress,  and to not have to do anything for anyone right now.

 So it looks like today will be full of whatever I feel I need or want to do for myself. I will eventually get up and around to wash the dishes and run a couple of errands but maybe I won't. Maybe I will just stay here on the couch and enjoy the silence and the sweet hum of this house.

Right now, it feels good to have a moment to collect my thoughts and to sit down and write. I mean I haven't sat down to write on here in a while. And my last entry felt like such a bare bones purge. And honestly, when I share in that way, it takes a bit time to let the mud settle.

The good news is that things have been a little better with regard to the rage episodes. My son is still quite moody and is still adjusting to life without anti-anxiety medication but we are managing and staying the course.

Just a few days after my last post I was listening to Natasha Daniel's podcast (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/at-parenting-survival-podcast-parenting-child-anxiety/id1205679186?mt=2 ) on iTunes called AT Parenting Podcast. I don't remember which episode it was but there were a few things she said that really struck me. The first thing she said was something along the line of: you might as well laugh because if you don't laugh you'll probably cry. And she's totally right!

The other thing she said that was a zinger for me was that my child's anxiety or OCD is his battle, not mine. We (meaning Jason and I) can help him and coach him and give him tools and people to work with but it's up to him to do the work of learning how to help himself and manage his anxiety and OCD and such. She said that as parents we kind of have to exonerate ourselves from the responsibility of it all. And again, she's right.  And in a way it was a relief to hear Natasha say that. But of course, it's not easy to do and will take some time and practice.

I think for a long time I have felt responsible in some way or another for my unique, very sensitive kids, as if I'd done something wrong during birth or in parenting. But what I am also realizing (again this I learned from something Natasha shared on a podcast episode) is that there is nothing I did that caused my child's sensory issues, anxiety disorder or OCD, they just came into the world this way. And so we are learning together about how to manage all these unique things. And since my kids happen to be "Atypical", my parenting journey has been atypical as well. And that's just how it is right now.

I guess this is why self-care has become such a major part of my life. Because let's face it, if I am to manage the sometimes long and stressful days of raising sensitive and anxious children and homeschool/unschool them, I have to take really great care of myself. And what I mean by self-care is not just pampering like getting my hair cut and toenails painted, though I love that too, it is more than that. For me, great self-care consists of: healthy food, lots of water, walking and yoga, journaling, reading uplifting and encouraging words, reaching out to other moms who are having a similar experience to mine, taking time away each day for rest and quiet and time out of the house, going on hikes in the woods or desert by myself, and going off to do things I love like yoga workshops or training. Great self-care is also about my ability to forgive and show myself compassion when I mess up and loose my patience or perspective. It's about allowing myself time to adjust, get up and try again.

I am hopeful that these things that I do for myself will also help my kids. As they see me falter and fall and get up and try again, I hope they too will be able to cultivate a can-do attitude. And as they see me nurture and care for myself, they too will learn to be kind to themselves. And when I apologize for my mistakes, they will learn to do the same.

And I think the rest comes down to Faith.  I can admit to my fears and be honest about them, but fear does not have to rule my life or theirs.  Instead, if I can just focus on having Faith in my son, Jason, Lila and myself to handle whatever comes up in our life together, then I think we will be alright. All we can do is take it moment by moment and do our best to be good to each other, to do our best to help each other along.

To Loosening the Grip and Remembering to Breathe~

Marcia