What Happened Next?

I want you all to know how much lighter I feel after sharing here on my blog. I felt a major shift after doing so.  It was kind of a scary thing to do. I wondered and worried if I was over sharing, or if this kind of sharing was really necessary.  I realize now, though, that it was necessary for me to write, to share, to open in that way. I needed to get those words out, those heavy feelings out because I had been holding them in and down for far too long. I guess I assumed that the healing would magically happen on it's own,  that those feelings would eventually just quietly go away. Instead, they cried their way out, yelled their way out, and wrote their way out as they needed to. And here I thought I could skip the work. Of course, that is not possible.

Since sharing that post publicly, I have been blown away by the outpouring of love and support and also a little freaked out.

I got a little freaked out worrying that people were thinking that my life is crazy hard and horrible.  It's not. Yes, we have had really hard, challenging moments and stretches, but I want you to know that we have really beautiful moments and days and stretches of time together as a family too. Life is not black or white, this or that, it's a myriad of colors and all the things in-between.

So I want you to know what amazing beings both Liam and Lila are. They are funny, smart, beautiful, loving creatures with an affinity for bugs, reptiles, and animals alike. Liam loves swimming and riding his bike and has an incredible memory. Lila is a free spirit who also loves to swim, to draw and dance and play. I want you to know that the light in Liam's eyes and his smile have returned; he is so much better than he was. I also want you to know that things have gotten much better since we made the agonizing decision to use medication to help Liam. Of course, the hope is that we can get off and past the need for medication, but we will have to wait and see how things go. For now, this is what we are doing until we can move past that. For now, we continue to learn and heal and grow and change as a family, for ourselves and for each other.

So that's where I am, I'm in it. Healing is happening by way of acceptance and patience and with a whole lot of love and support from all those who have offered it to us, with diligence and determination, and a deep desire for positive change. We continue our journey.

With Gratitude and Thanks,


And this came to me today:


It's been a long, hard change
Its been dark

But I feel a lightening
a change
a lifting
an opening

Change is like that sometimes
like a tight cocoon of sturdy silk

And then as I surrender
as I let go into all that I struggle against
the threads loosen
the light begins to enter
through the holes and tears in the silky fabric
and I am free again to move my limbs

My wings crumpled and waiting to open
But this too takes time

There is no point in rushing or pushing
Because you cannot rush or force transformation
These things happen in their own time

So I am waiting
my eyes closed
and my body still

And as I hang in this in-between place
I get to dream again
I get to remember what it is I love
Why it is I came here
to this place where water runs
and trees dance
where mountains hold steady
and flowers bloom
where the sky cries
and the sun shines


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