Beauty in the Breakdown

I once heard Maya Angelou say something like: "everyone always talks about the beauty of the butterfly, but no one ever talks about what it took for the butterfly to get that way." I may have heard her say something along that line on one of Oprah's Masterclass series.

That particular quote, which is not exact, has stayed with me for the last few weeks.  How easily we forget that true transformation is a breaking apart, a falling apart of sorts.  And the break down is rarely pretty, and is in fact quite messy.

I certainly feel as though I am in the fall apart phase of change.  The last week has been really hard and uncomfortable and unpleasant to say the least.  I have had moments where I have felt full of regret over leaving what we had built up behind.  I have questioned whether our choice to move here was a good idea as the starting over feels so hard, and, really, we had so much good around us.  I have not felt clear or inspired in the least lately, and mostly because I have felt so overwhelmed by all of it.

All this just tells me that I am feeling the fear of uncertainty.  And let's face it, uncertainty is uncomfortable.  It is for me anyway.  As I try to just let myself feel what I am feeling, cry when I need to, feel mad when I need to, or whatever way I happen to be,  I find that the feelings move like waves. The feeling surfaces and curls and rises and crashes and then softens back to where is rose up from. And, then, everything is okay again.

For now, it feels like my stormy fear and sadness and such has settled down. This is a relief.  I have to remind myself daily that this is just the beginning and I need to be patient. I have to remind myself that I cannot see the big picture so have to take this all in stride, one moment at a time, one day at a time.  I have to remind myself that it takes time to make a house into a home, and it takes time to let go and let life unfold.  I have to remind myself that things will look and feel different as time rolls on.

When I think back to all the times I have moved in my life, I do recall that I've always had a hard time at the start and felt the loss of what I've left behind.  Nothing is gone.  The people and the places I love in and about Tucson are still there. What a sweet reminder that is.  I can visit and will.  This is another sweet reality.  So, everything is gonna be okay. This would be a good place to cue Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds".

Anyways, to make sure that I stay with the rolling, changing tide, instead of getting sucked down in it,  I have to keep to my practices. I have to keep to my practices so that I can process things as they come up with a more level head and a steady, strong heart.

So what are the practices that keep me sane?  They are as follows: writing in my journal, or writing in any form, walking outside, making an effort to take in and notice all the beauty around me (the mountains, the trees, the color green in the leaves and grass and even the weeds), getting on my yoga mat to practice, getting out of the house, and reaching out to friends and family.  These are all things that help me stay sane and pull me out of the darkness I sometimes feel.

In the meantime, in this ever moving process of change, all I can do is have Faith in the higher reason we chose Flagstaff to begin with,  make a conscious choice each day to work on my attitude, getting our house together, getting to know this place again, and give this change a chance to happen.  I have to allow time for this new life to morph into something meaningful and beautiful.




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