Luminous Lotus~ This blog is a way for me to share my experiences and musings on life, motherhood and yoga and all that I am learning along the way with others.
I am a mother, a writer, a teacher and a firm believer in listening to and following your heart. I truly believe that each and every one of us has something unique and valuable to offer the world. Our work here is to discover our gifts and make use of them for the greater good of all. I believe my children are my greatest teachers. Through their eyes, I see the beauty and wonder of the world, and I find within me the desire to do better and the capacity to love better. I believe that life is a grand adventure, a great teacher, and a gift. I wake each and every day with a want in my heart to do good in the world. I am a healer. I am a giver. I am here to make myself and the world over for the better. I believe that this is a powerful time of awakening and change. This is the time to know and reveal our gifts and to give out as much of ourselves as we can to each other. It is a time of creation, manifestation, joy and wonder. Bare yourself and be vulnerable. Be willing to love with all that you've got. Be free of fear and do good NOW!
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It's late. Everyone else is asleep. I should be in bed too as I've been so bone tired and worn down. But I can't sleep with all these thoughts and worries whirling through my head. And as much as I want to sleep, I also need to say what's bothering me out loud. I feel I need to out myself, to express myself because there's this part of me that is not being expressed or acknowledged or shown. And I am tired of holding it in, of saying nothing because every night I stumble to my bed heavy with exhaustion and a brain that hurts, too tired to sit down and write what I know needs to be written.
For at least 3 weeks now, I have struggled with a strange anger and sadness and guilt and, I think, depression. I think I may be in a depression because I have cried everyday for at least three weeks. Crying is not unusual for me as I cry when I feel overwhelmed, angry, or tired. But the fact that I have yelled at my kids and cried at least once everyday for the last 3 weeks…
Here I am at Liam's school, listening to the kids giggle and play and watching them as they run by. Liam and Lila are blurs running in the sun. It's beautiful outside, and I can finally feel the shift in the weather stretching into the day. I am relieved by this break in the heat and this subtle shift in seasons.
I wish I could go for a walk, but I am here and at least I am outside, and at least I am trying. Trying for what, I do not know. Really, I think I come and stay in the hopes that today will be better, that today will be different.
Unfortunately, though, things are the same from day to day as I am still spending everyday here at school with the kids. And everyday is still a struggle as far as getting to school is concerned. And I am tired and frustrated with this mess and with trying to do what I think is right. It's a confusing mix of: keep trying and just let it go. I cannot decide what the hell to do because of my hope that this could work out.
Just a note: I started this post a week or two ago and have been sitting on it. Today, I was able to add to it and finish it. Read on.
I don't have lot of time to write as I only have a small window of time to call my own. I will get down what I can in the hopes that this will release some of the weight I feel.
I feel tender and heavy, sad, mad and unclear today after our meeting with our therapist yesterday afternoon. We met with our therapist yesterday to go over the results of the assessment forms that I filled out for me and Liam. I was not surprised by the results but am not happy about them all the same.
As far as Liam's assessment results go we are looking at: depression, anxiety, oppositional defiance disorder, some obsessive compulsive tendencies, and sensory issues. I feel like a ton of bricks were just placed in my lap, and they feel heavy and cumbersome. That information, all thos…