Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Respond in the Highest~

I just read John Friend's response to the NYT article, and I feel a deep sense of appreciation.  I feel so incredibly grateful to be on this path, to be learning, growing, teaching, giving and receiving, and thriving in this yoga life.

If I am honest, which I am,  I have definitely had moments of doubt on my way down this road.  The doubt has presented itself mostly toward myself and my ability as a teacher and never with the art of the practice or with Anusara itself.  Anyway,  after reading JF's response,  I felt compelled to leave a note of thanks.  Really,  I am struck by how moved I felt after reading the response by John.  It makes it clear to me how much this all means to me and how much I love teaching, the practice, the people.  I feel so fortunate. 

If you have not read the John's blog, here is the link: 
http://www.anusara.com/index.php?option=com_wpmu&blog_id=2&Itemid=250
 Read and enjoy.  

Here is the comment that I felt moved to leave: 
Dear John,

I offer my heartfelt thanks to you for all you are and all you do.  I was introduced to Anusara in 2001 and have been on this path since.  I know from my own experience what a profound impact you and all of my wonderful teachers have had on my life. The best part is that it keeps getting better.  

I have been teaching for 6 years and everyday grants me the opportunity to share the joy of this practice with others.  I see people walk out of  my class different.  The students can walk in riddled with fear and worry,  with heaviness in their hearts, with a dullness in their eyes and they wake up from Savasana and walk out the exact opposite. It is such a magnificent and mysterious shift to witness and be a part of.  I always feel so happy and honored to do what do,  to teach. 

Of course, I feel immensely grateful to all of my teachers who have shown me the way.  I give thanks for the reminder and for the freedom to choose to follow my own heart not just on my mat, or seated at the front of the class, but everyday.  

Truly, I am so moved by You, the method, and the message of Anusara that it brings me to tears as I write.  Well,  I guess I know how much it means to me.  And for that overflowing feeling inside,  I give thanks.  

Many Blessings to You and the Merry Band,
Marcia Tullous
(Tucson, AZ)


Friday, July 23, 2010

For Now~

Saying Yes to the Idea of Yes~

For now, I say, "Yes"  to my life, to this method and it's meaning.  For now, I say, "Yes" to what is true for me.  For now, I say, "Yes" to speaking from my heart and holding to the truth.  For now, I say, "Yes" to continuing to do what I can to help others find joy and meaning and light in their own life when they need it most.  For now, I will continue to offer to others what Anusara has offered to me, and I give thanks for finding my way to this magical practice and path called Anusara.

Anusaran,

Marcia

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I have been hearing this David Bowie song in my head all morning.  Here is a small portion of the lyrics:

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
(turn and face the strain)
ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different woman/man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same


So I was out walking this morning and this song kept playing in my head.  On my walk I was deep in thought and deep in my heart trying to get in touch with and understand this strange place that I seem to be in.  I certainly feel immense changes happening on the inside.  It is almost as if certain things are coming up for me to deal with so that I can fully heal.  It is as if I have some old wounds to tend to.  Funny how that is,  you think you have dealt fully with what hurts and holds you back and you find it is still there waiting for you to heal it, to change it or release it.

Here is the short and long of it.  I will try to explain this in a most anonymous sort of way so that the story itself is not the point but what emotions and thoughts this little happening brought about within me because it is fascinating.

Here it goes:  I came across a post of an old love, an old friend and in the post was a list of people this person would like to bring together for a grand gathering of fun and remembrance.  In the list following the names was some comment of each persons artistic ability or the thing loved by the person who made the post.

This is where it gets interesting because, as I read the list,  the first thing that came to my mind was this thought: Yet again, I am missing.  In other words,  I felt hurt because I was not on this list of honorable mentions.  Why does this matter because I don't know for sure that I don't matter to this person,  I just am assuming I don't.  In fact, this should make no difference in the way I feel about myself, but it did and it does.

 After reading this post,  I started feeling bad.  I was like hold on!  What is this about?!  Thankfully, I was able to sit with this awkward, sad feeling of lack and pause.  I was able to step back and ask myself whether I wanted to be caught up in this old feeling of not feeling good enough, of not feeling loved in equal measure or loved at all by this person.  This is an old wound.  This is the old way of thinking and feeling, and this is not serving me.  So before I went to sleep,  I made the conscious decision to change my mind and shift my energy from sad and mad to soft and receptive to the lesson by picking up a book about gratitude and reading until I felt better.

I slept well  but was up early, too early.  However, I was able to sneak in a walk and some alone time before Jason left for work this morning, which was what I needed.  As I walked block after block and meandered through the desert this morning,  I started to get some clarity on all this that was on my mind.  I realized that this former time in my life and this past relationship was so incredibly damaging to my self-esteem.  I so wanted this person to love me the way I loved them, but it never was that way and it never will be.  I always felt like he never saw me.  I was just good enough in a time of need. The sooner I get honest about that and let go of this toxic thought, the sooner I will be free of it.

Just because I am not on some one's list of specials does not mean that I don't matter.  I need to know that I matter deep inside and remember it so that I don't make myself feel otherwise.  The more energy I give to such thoughts,  the more I believe they are 'real',  the more I make it so in my own heart, in my own life.  And what it comes down to is that I am not interested in feeling this way about me anymore.  It's old,  it's done, it's too heavy, and I just don't want these limiting thoughts and feelings anymore.

It is true that time changes everyone and everything.  I think the changes are for or can be for the better if we decide to make it so.

I will end with this great quote by my friend and teacher:

 "Fight tenacious tendencies! Align with your heroic heart!" ~ Darren Rhodes‎


These words came right on time.  I am aligned with my heroic heart!

Ever Evolving~
Marcia

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Heat, Humidity, Heart~

I feel like it has been a while since I've written. All is going well in most ways despite the irritation I feel with the heat.  I think the heat has been a little too much for me.  Our AC went out and with the added humidity in the air, the swamp cooler isn't doing much to cool things down.  I have had a difficult time cooling down and have discovered that the heat or feeling constantly hot is pretty aggravating and it makes me oddly emotional.  It is all very curious.  Thankfully, my folks live just up the street, so we have been spending most of our days up there.  I hope to have the air conditioner fixed by this weekend and will look forward to that.

On a positive note,  I had a private session yesterday that was a really fantastic experience for me and for the client I worked with.  I find private sessions are a wonderful opportunity to learn and to hone my intuitive skills as a teacher.  It seems to me that when I am given the opportunity to work one-on-one,  I tap into my innate ability to help heal.  During the session,  I marveled at the way things unfolded and evolved.

You go in to it not knowing exactly what you will work on, sometimes you do but not always, and you go with it and trust your intuition and inner wisdom and it all works out so perfectly.  Anyway,  we ended up working on shoulders because that is the way the session naturally unfolded, and it felt to me that's what was needed.  It was a huge opening experience for this individual.  She was brought to tears by this new feeling and opening in her body and heart and by this new clarity in her mind. It was almost as if she felt a deep sense of relief.  It made me so happy to be able to help and to know that I could help.

After the session concluded,  I left feeling so honored and grateful to have been part of the experience. What kept running through my mind was how much I love what I do and how it just gets better as I go along.  I am constantly amazed at the way the role of the teacher really is always about being the student.  I may be offering what I know and what I've learned, but I always learn something new from the people I share these things with.  Amazing!

So this morning I am again filled with gratitude for this aspect of my life,  for the opportunity to be both the student and the teacher, for this path that found me and for the desire to continue on.  Who knows where it will continue to lead me, but I will follow as long as I enjoy doing so.

Now, to enjoy another aspect of my life... my son.

Enjoy the day,

Marcia

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Progress~

Not long ago,  I had my basics class recorded.  Yes,  I have a dvd of me teaching an hour-and-a-half Basics class.  And, yes, I have watched it.  This is progress. Hooray for a step forward toward what I want.  :-)

Okay, so the first time I watched the dvd it was just weird.  In fact,  I had a little conversation with myself before I watched the recording about how I was going to try to just see it as the observer.  I wanted to try to view the class from a more objective place so that I could watch the dvd with kinder eyes.  I think that little talk with myself helped.  That being said, it was still a bit awkward.

How this all came about was: 1) through an offer from a Kula member to record it for me,  and 2)  I simply came to the conclusion that it was time to start getting myself ready to actually approach the certification process.  This exercise of recording myself teaching a public class is an exercise in getting comfortable with being myself while teaching with the camera on.  I want to be able to just teach as I teach without worrying who is going to view it.

The point of all this is that I have found that what I thought would be an incredibly uncomfortable experience has turned out to be quite a valuable learning opportunity.  Not only do I get to see me as the "teacher"versus just saying I teach, but I also get to see what my strengths and weaknesses are by seeing the class as it is.

Really, it's the best opportunity to see yourself as you are not as you think you are. For me it feels like seeing myself teach makes this part of my life all the more real. It's almost like I have this new vision of myself to work with even though I have been working with this for a while now.  It just changes things a bit and feels sort of new.

WOW!  I think I like it!  I am surprised because I don't really even like to have my picture taken because I think the pictures are usually pretty bad. I suppose another benefit of the video is that this may just help me to be less critical of myself and more loving.  Fancy that!

So another plus in this video adventure is that I have found a friend, someone with whom I can share this with.  A friend and fellow teacher in this Tucson Kula has recently recorded a class too.  We swapped videos and watched each other in action!  After watching my colleague's video, I got inspired to watch mine again and was glad I did.  It was definitely easier to watch the second time around.  I was able to view it the second time from a softer more supportive place, which was hard for me to do the first time.  I found that slight shift really intriguing.  ;)

In short, I am really glad my friend was willing to share her video with me and am so glad we are helping each other along.  I would say that this is a great start to the Anusara-certification process for which I am not fully ready for yet.  But let it be known,  I am making my way there!

Conclusion: I highly recommend recording yourself teaching and watching it!

Okay, so that's all for now.  I am feeling hopeful and encouraged, which is always good.

Until next  time,

Marcia

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

At Ease~

Life is full of surprises.  You never know what each new day will bring.  
All we can do is open our hearts and minds to what comes with the faith that it is all for the best.  


And on days when I feel unclear or uncertain, I remind myself that the Universe is conspiring in my favor.  Knowing that the world is for me and not against me always puts my mind at ease. 


Peace,
Marcia