Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I have been hearing this David Bowie song in my head all morning.  Here is a small portion of the lyrics:

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
(turn and face the strain)
ch-ch-changes
Just gonna have to be a different woman/man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same


So I was out walking this morning and this song kept playing in my head.  On my walk I was deep in thought and deep in my heart trying to get in touch with and understand this strange place that I seem to be in.  I certainly feel immense changes happening on the inside.  It is almost as if certain things are coming up for me to deal with so that I can fully heal.  It is as if I have some old wounds to tend to.  Funny how that is,  you think you have dealt fully with what hurts and holds you back and you find it is still there waiting for you to heal it, to change it or release it.

Here is the short and long of it.  I will try to explain this in a most anonymous sort of way so that the story itself is not the point but what emotions and thoughts this little happening brought about within me because it is fascinating.

Here it goes:  I came across a post of an old love, an old friend and in the post was a list of people this person would like to bring together for a grand gathering of fun and remembrance.  In the list following the names was some comment of each persons artistic ability or the thing loved by the person who made the post.

This is where it gets interesting because, as I read the list,  the first thing that came to my mind was this thought: Yet again, I am missing.  In other words,  I felt hurt because I was not on this list of honorable mentions.  Why does this matter because I don't know for sure that I don't matter to this person,  I just am assuming I don't.  In fact, this should make no difference in the way I feel about myself, but it did and it does.

 After reading this post,  I started feeling bad.  I was like hold on!  What is this about?!  Thankfully, I was able to sit with this awkward, sad feeling of lack and pause.  I was able to step back and ask myself whether I wanted to be caught up in this old feeling of not feeling good enough, of not feeling loved in equal measure or loved at all by this person.  This is an old wound.  This is the old way of thinking and feeling, and this is not serving me.  So before I went to sleep,  I made the conscious decision to change my mind and shift my energy from sad and mad to soft and receptive to the lesson by picking up a book about gratitude and reading until I felt better.

I slept well  but was up early, too early.  However, I was able to sneak in a walk and some alone time before Jason left for work this morning, which was what I needed.  As I walked block after block and meandered through the desert this morning,  I started to get some clarity on all this that was on my mind.  I realized that this former time in my life and this past relationship was so incredibly damaging to my self-esteem.  I so wanted this person to love me the way I loved them, but it never was that way and it never will be.  I always felt like he never saw me.  I was just good enough in a time of need. The sooner I get honest about that and let go of this toxic thought, the sooner I will be free of it.

Just because I am not on some one's list of specials does not mean that I don't matter.  I need to know that I matter deep inside and remember it so that I don't make myself feel otherwise.  The more energy I give to such thoughts,  the more I believe they are 'real',  the more I make it so in my own heart, in my own life.  And what it comes down to is that I am not interested in feeling this way about me anymore.  It's old,  it's done, it's too heavy, and I just don't want these limiting thoughts and feelings anymore.

It is true that time changes everyone and everything.  I think the changes are for or can be for the better if we decide to make it so.

I will end with this great quote by my friend and teacher:

 "Fight tenacious tendencies! Align with your heroic heart!" ~ Darren Rhodes‎

These words came right on time.  I am aligned with my heroic heart!

Ever Evolving~

Marcia