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Showing posts from March, 2010

Down Pour

I woke this morning feeling incredibly tender and tired. It was hard to get out of bed, hard to teach, hard to be functional. I tried to get past my sensitivity and focus but had a difficult time doing so. For a majority of the day I sat on the edge of my sadness hoping to keep myself from falling over. But, like tears that well up in the eyes, my sadness spilled over. And once the crying started and the sorrow came there was no stopping it. It was a torrential down pour today. I feel so confused. Is the intensity of the immersion helping or hurting me at this time? I think in some ways it is helping me in that I am feeling my sadness so fully. Maybe it is speeding the grief process up. Can that be done? I don't know. Anyway, cleansing and purifying are the words that came to mind today when Darren asked the question, "what is this immersion doing to you and/or for you." I do feel a release like letting the torrent of tears fall in a pool around me has lighten…

Day One~ Phase 2

This will be a short entry as I am tried and need to rest up for day 2 of phase II of the immersion. At the moment I am feeling pretty worked on all levels. Today was harder than I thought it would be but in a really good way. I knew that showing up would be the hardest part of this experience because there is this part of me that does not want to be seen at this time. The opportunity to attend this immersion arose and I said, "Yes." And of course, I am grateful beyond words for the chance to be part of this experience. However, I find there is a part of me that feels undeserving of such love and acceptance and support. Why? I suppose I have a pretty independent streak and so accepting, much less, asking for help is a challenge of it's own making. And, yes, a mala is present and revealed. Damn it! Really, I am in this place within myself where I don't know what to make of how I feel. My body feels strange and different. My head says lets move on but my heart…

Moving Forward~

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I started making my way back into the world this weekend. I showed up early at the studio on Sunday morning to get a short practice in and to prepare myself and the space. I probably only practiced for 25 minutes but that was enough because it was the first bit of practice I'd done in over a week. I woke feeling blue and vulnerable that morning, and as soon as I started moving my body I felt the emotions rise to the surface. I am always amazed at how moving the body through the poses stirs things up. In that sense, I find the practice so useful in helping me to understand and process my feelings. I figured that it was good to be feeling the sadness before students arrived so that I could get it out of my system and pull myself together to teach. Before I new it, it was time to open the door and welcome the students in. The first thing many asked was how I was feeling and doing with regard to being pregnant. I responded in a vague way with a simple, "I am doing well&quo…

Welcoming the Guests~

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I am feeling the sadness today as my body continues to cleanse itself. It seems that this baby is not to be at this time. I will give myself and body some time to heal and, in a couple months, we will try again for another baby. Things will happen as they happen when they happen.
I came across this painting titled "A Crowd of Sorrows" byLeah PikenKolidasand this poem by Rumi, which seems the perfect form of expression I can relate to at this time. The line that stands out for me is: "He may be clearing you out for some new delight."


THE GUEST HOUSE
This being human is a guest house.  Every morning  a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary 
awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!  Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,  who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,  still, treat each guest honorably.  He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice.  Meet them at the door …

Uncertain...

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(Artist: Kelly Rae Roberts)I have a lot on my mind on this day. It is a day of celebration as this is my birthday. It's a slow, mellow morning. I am hanging out with my son Liam being lazy, sitting on the couch writing while he watches an episode of 'Curious George.' This past week, though, has been full of uncertainty and questions with no real answers. Let me explain. I had my visit with the midwife last week and that went well. It was mostly time spent going over my chart and a conversation of questions. On Friday, I went to have an ultrasound to have a look at the baby and get an idea of the baby's growth and have some idea of age or a due date. I was in week 10 of my pregnancy, this week marks 11. Unfortunately, the baby is only measuring nearly 6 weeks and there was no visible heartbeat. The baby's heartbeat does not become visible until week 6 or 7 and so this is not necessarily bad. Meaning, we could be wrong about the dates and the baby is right on …

Update

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It's been nearly two weeks since my last entry. All is well. My body is changing little by little. No actual bump yet but some shape shifting going on in the middle. I busted out the maternity clothes and am glad I did. I can still fit my regular jeans but, after putting on a pair of maternity jeans, can feel the difference and appreciate the freedom a flexible band gives. I am feeling pretty good and am really looking forward to my first visit with the midwife next Wednesday, March 10. It's amazing to me how slow time seems to go when I want to be at a certain place in the future. Working to enjoy each moment as it comes but can't help but anticipate this first visit. Not sure why it matters to get the 'official' word from the midwife since I feel the changes but it does. In the meantime, I have been doing a lot of reading, required reading for my Anusara certification. It has taken me a while but am now ready and am enjoying this phase of the process…