(Artist: Kelly Rae Roberts)
I have a lot on my mind on this day. It is a day of celebration as this is my birthday. It's a slow, mellow morning. I am hanging out with my son Liam being lazy, sitting on the couch writing while he watches an episode of 'Curious George.'
This past week, though, has been full of uncertainty and questions with no real answers. Let me explain. I had my visit with the midwife last week and that went well. It was mostly time spent going over my chart and a conversation of questions. On Friday, I went to have an ultrasound to have a look at the baby and get an idea of the baby's growth and have some idea of age or a due date.
I was in week 10 of my pregnancy, this week marks 11. Unfortunately, the baby is only measuring nearly 6 weeks and there was no visible heartbeat. The baby's heartbeat does not become visible until week 6 or 7 and so this is not necessarily bad. Meaning, we could be wrong about the dates and the baby is right on target and we will see a heartbeat at the next ultrasound. Or,the other side of this is that the cells did not form properly and the baby stopped growing at this 5/6 week time period. What this means then is that nature will do what it does and my body will cleanse itself of the possible dead tissue on it's own. This, for me, means a 'miscarriage'.
At this point I oscillate between feeling a bit sad and worried to hopeful. Yes, I have been experiencing some symptoms such as cramping and light bleeding but nothing intense or heavy. So you see, I am left with questions. Am or am I not loosing this baby? Is everything just fine and my body is just telling me to take it easy?
All I can do is take it day by day, moment to moment and trust in the highest. If the symptoms get worse, I will have my answer. Either way, my ultrasound visit next week will hopefully help me get some clarity on this situation. I wish I could say that I had some clear intuition on this one, but I don't.
Truly, the outcome of my visit last week was unexpected and, to say the least, surprising or maybe the word is shocking. I had a good cry but am doing pretty well despite how all this may sound. I know that everything will be fine either way. If this pregnancy does come to an end, I, well, WE will try for a new beginning. Isn't it amazing how the uncertainty gives way to moments of clarity? I now know with certainty that I want another baby. This is good. It's not that I don't know that now but the knowing is deeper, more solid in a way.
I suppose what it comes down to is that this is not in my hands, and so I let go. All I can do is hold steady to my faith, trust the process, pay attention to the way I feel and respond accordingly.
The quote or phrase that comes to mind is... "The Universe is conspiring in your favor."
For now, I try to continue on as I normally would and steer my mind towards the good. I take a long look at my sweet boy and give thanks. I am lucky and blessed in more ways than one.
In Limbo but Bending,