Day One~ Phase 2
This will be a short entry as I am tried and need to rest up for day 2 of phase II of the immersion. At the moment I am feeling pretty worked on all levels. Today was harder than I thought it would be but in a really good way. I knew that showing up would be the hardest part of this experience because there is this part of me that does not want to be seen at this time.
The opportunity to attend this immersion arose and I said, "Yes." And of course, I am grateful beyond words for the chance to be part of this experience. However, I find there is a part of me that feels undeserving of such love and acceptance and support. Why? I suppose I have a pretty independent streak and so accepting, much less, asking for help is a challenge of it's own making. And, yes, a mala is present and revealed. Damn it!
Really, I am in this place within myself where I don't know what to make of how I feel. My body feels strange and different. My head says lets move on but my heart feels otherwise. My heart feels both disappointed yet hopeful and so full of faith it blows me away. It's an odd concoction made of the fullness of life.
So, it seems, today's practice stirred things up, which is what I figured would happen and was a little afraid of. I had such an intense ride today. I went from feeling good to feeling really bad all in a matter of hours. I got really nauseous and dizzy at one point and was not expecting that. The feeling of being sick did not leave for the rest of the day and was hoping it would. Certainly, I was expecting to be pushed physically, mentally and emotionally but in a way I would recognize. Familiarity, it seems, is not a word that I relate to at this time.
I guess what I discovered today is that there is one part of me that wants to move past this whole experience of loss and not talk about the miscarriage anymore or feel the sadness anymore. I feel like that's enough already. My body and spirit are sending me other signals and signs which tell me that I have more to process. Funny how the practice and the pressure of the fire reveals it all. There is no denying what is up when you are in it. So... I am in it.
This was and is my intention, though. As I shared in the opening circle, my intention for this round in the ring with myself is to welcome and face full-on whatever comes. And today was harsh. I feel rocked and beaten and dizzy, but I am not out. I can rise to my feet to greet and welcome what is next. After all, tomorrow is a new day, and all I can do is try again and give myself praise and a lift. I am grateful to be with it and in it. I have never been so present with anything in my life. In some ways, I feel above it as if I am floating above myself to view it all. I can feel this shift is a big one. How this will manifest and morph into the most is a mystery. So, I wake, I participate and wait to see what comes.
Until tomorrow, sweet dreams and strength to all.