Day One~ Phase 2

This will be a short entry as I am tried and need to rest up for day 2 of phase II of the immersion. At the moment I am feeling pretty worked on all levels. Today was harder than I thought it would be but in a really good way. I knew that showing up would be the hardest part of this experience because there is this part of me that does not want to be seen at this time.
The opportunity to attend this immersion arose and I said, "Yes." And of course, I am grateful beyond words for the chance to be part of this experience. However, I find there is a part of me that feels undeserving of such love and acceptance and support. Why? I suppose I have a pretty independent streak and so accepting, much less, asking for help is a challenge of it's own making. And, yes, a mala is present and revealed. Damn it!
Really, I am in this place within myself where I don't know what to make of how I feel. My body feels strange and different. My head says lets move on but my heart feels otherwise. My heart feels both disappointed yet hopeful and so full of faith it blows me away. It's an odd concoction made of the fullness of life.
So, it seems, today's practice stirred things up, which is what I figured would happen and was a little afraid of. I had such an intense ride today. I went from feeling good to feeling really bad all in a matter of hours. I got really nauseous and dizzy at one point and was not expecting that. The feeling of being sick did not leave for the rest of the day and was hoping it would. Certainly, I was expecting to be pushed physically, mentally and emotionally but in a way I would recognize. Familiarity, it seems, is not a word that I relate to at this time.
I guess what I discovered today is that there is one part of me that wants to move past this whole experience of loss and not talk about the miscarriage anymore or feel the sadness anymore. I feel like that's enough already. My body and spirit are sending me other signals and signs which tell me that I have more to process. Funny how the practice and the pressure of the fire reveals it all. There is no denying what is up when you are in it. So... I am in it.
This was and is my intention, though. As I shared in the opening circle, my intention for this round in the ring with myself is to welcome and face full-on whatever comes. And today was harsh. I feel rocked and beaten and dizzy, but I am not out. I can rise to my feet to greet and welcome what is next. After all, tomorrow is a new day, and all I can do is try again and give myself praise and a lift. I am grateful to be with it and in it. I have never been so present with anything in my life. In some ways, I feel above it as if I am floating above myself to view it all. I can feel this shift is a big one. How this will manifest and morph into the most is a mystery. So, I wake, I participate and wait to see what comes.
Until tomorrow, sweet dreams and strength to all.
Worked,
Marcia

Comments

  1. WOO..!! NICE BLOG & THK FOR SHARING, HOW R U? NICE TO MEET U

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  2. My brain often wants to rush my heart into feeling what it thinks "I should be feeling"... and that disconnect causes so many problems. Good for you listening and just being where you are.
    I love you and I'm glad you are doing this right now. I don't think there is any better place for you to be right now!
    I love you!!!

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  3. Marcia, when I chatted with you this morning, I had not read your blog yet and had no idea what you were trying to process. I had some thoughts though that I wanted to share. First, I could only possibly have a minor understanding of what you are going through, because I have not been there myself. However, I do believe that processing grief is something that we all do differently as individuals. I, like you, am a very independent strong individual that never feels deserving of my blessings and find it very difficult to ask for help. What I do know is this....grief is not something to ever be ashamed of or rushed through. The brain should not take precendence here. Do you remember this quote? "Only a fool tries to find logic in matters of the heart." I used to believe this only applied to relationships, but now it means so much more. Be kind to yourself as you have been to so many others as long as I have known you. Allow yourself to greive as long as you feel it. There is no time limit and only you will know when you are there. This is the best thing to do for yourself and your family. The smile on the face of little Liam could probably make the toughest of hearts melt. Allow them to help you heal as they need to be needed too. Lots of Love Friend. XOXO Julz

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  4. what grace you have! vanessa

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