I am feeling pretty exhausted this morning after another night of Liam waking and crying and fighting going back to sleep. In all fairness, he has been sick. It first began with an upper respiratory cold which then turned into an ear infection in both ears. Needles to say this last week and half has been a bit draining. I feel grumpy and worn out.
Something that I have noticed about myself is that when I don't get enough sleep or time for myself to take care of my own needs, I get blue and the negative thoughts that spin round in my head are pretty relentless. As is obvious, I am really feeling it this morning. I get tired of being needed. Of course, when the little ones are sick or not feeling well, all they want is Mama. I realize it is my job to be present and do what I can and I do. However, I don't wake feeling any better. Don't get me wrong or misunderstand, I love my little Liam and am grateful for my sweet boy. Sometimes, though, I feel clueless as a parent. I feel I do a lot of things wrong even though I am trying really hard to do this right and well and in a conscious way.
In all honesty, I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head and sleep all day. But alas, my life doesn't allow that and am feeling a bit resentful. It's unbelievable how much such challenges can strain a relationship and wreak havoc on my confidence. Where is the ease, the love, the fun? Am I the only one who finds parenting so difficult sometimes? I feel like being a mom consumes so much of my energy and time that I have to dig into the reserves, and the reserves are dwindling if not already gone, in order to do other things like teach or connect with another human being other than my immediate family. Hence, the reason I don't really have any friendships outside of family.
Obviously, I have way to much on my mind and these thoughts are not light. I question whether it is even appropriate to post this entry for others to read because I usually try to post things with a more positive, uplifting spin. But then I have to ask myself why I am doing this blog anyway and who is it for, really? I suppose it's a bit of both. Mostly writing things down and out helps me process what I am going through and helps my tendencies or patterns become clear, so I can work with what is. If in the process, my words and sentiment are relatable and help someone else through their day, then, that is awesome, and I am grateful to share.
This brings me back to today. Today is what it is and if there is one thing I AM, it is that I AM honest. So here it is. My entry dripping with the sticky realness of it all. As it so happens, I am dabbling in and dealing with the darkness at the moment. What can I say, I am human... not super human. Maybe after a good cry and a shower I will be able to have another look at things and shift my thoughts and perspective to the lighter side.
Off I go to play in the rain, look for the shinning sun and begin again.