Depleted

I am feeling pretty exhausted this morning after another night of Liam waking and crying and fighting going back to sleep. In all fairness, he has been sick. It first began with an upper respiratory cold which then turned into an ear infection in both ears. Needles to say this last week and half has been a bit draining. I feel grumpy and worn out.
Something that I have noticed about myself is that when I don't get enough sleep or time for myself to take care of my own needs, I get blue and the negative thoughts that spin round in my head are pretty relentless. As is obvious, I am really feeling it this morning. I get tired of being needed. Of course, when the little ones are sick or not feeling well, all they want is Mama. I realize it is my job to be present and do what I can and I do. However, I don't wake feeling any better. Don't get me wrong or misunderstand, I love my little Liam and am grateful for my sweet boy. Sometimes, though, I feel clueless as a parent. I feel I do a lot of things wrong even though I am trying really hard to do this right and well and in a conscious way.
In all honesty, I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head and sleep all day. But alas, my life doesn't allow that and am feeling a bit resentful. It's unbelievable how much such challenges can strain a relationship and wreak havoc on my confidence. Where is the ease, the love, the fun? Am I the only one who finds parenting so difficult sometimes? I feel like being a mom consumes so much of my energy and time that I have to dig into the reserves, and the reserves are dwindling if not already gone, in order to do other things like teach or connect with another human being other than my immediate family. Hence, the reason I don't really have any friendships outside of family.
Obviously, I have way to much on my mind and these thoughts are not light. I question whether it is even appropriate to post this entry for others to read because I usually try to post things with a more positive, uplifting spin. But then I have to ask myself why I am doing this blog anyway and who is it for, really? I suppose it's a bit of both. Mostly writing things down and out helps me process what I am going through and helps my tendencies or patterns become clear, so I can work with what is. If in the process, my words and sentiment are relatable and help someone else through their day, then, that is awesome, and I am grateful to share.
This brings me back to today. Today is what it is and if there is one thing I AM, it is that I AM honest. So here it is. My entry dripping with the sticky realness of it all. As it so happens, I am dabbling in and dealing with the darkness at the moment. What can I say, I am human... not super human. Maybe after a good cry and a shower I will be able to have another look at things and shift my thoughts and perspective to the lighter side.
Off I go to play in the rain, look for the shinning sun and begin again.
Marcia

Comments

  1. AnonymousDecember 19, 2009 at 7:00 PM

    Savor the sweet times. They prepare you for the grumpy mornings.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Marcia TullousDecember 19, 2009 at 9:56 PM

    Thanks Dear, Sweet, Katie. Feeling better. I have more sweet than sour or grumpy times. A good reminder to focus on the good in order to let go of the rest. Major understanding or lesson for me is that I absolutely need time to recharge. Oh, how I love my little bean. He is a lovely soul and am so lucky to have him in my life.

    Thanks for the inspiration for tomorrow's class. ;-)

    Miss and love you lots,

    Marcia

    ReplyDelete
  3. thamesarinoDecember 20, 2009 at 7:34 AM

    hey Marcia, I saw through FB that you are doing better now, but I just wanted to let you know that it's ok to feel overwhelmed sometimes!
    It happens to all of us at some point. No one is super human and being a mama(and a really GOOD Mama, like you are) takes, sometimes, more than we have to give.
    I struggled with this, and sometimes still do, particularly with my 4 yr old who happens to have incredibly high needs all the time, and I believe one of her lessons for me is to give myself a break and realize that I too, am only human. She has and continues to help me learn my own boundaries, how much I am able to give and what I need to do for myself to be the best that I can be for her, my other kids, and myself too!
    Lack of sleep can do a real number on your state of mind, so just do your best to let yourself feel whatever it is that you DO feel, even if the feelings make you uncomfortable(like in the scary moments when I feel like I just can't do it anymore because it's too much.. that would be my toughest dark, hard to feel feeling in motherhood).
    Know that you are an amazing mother and caregiver and that sometimes it's ok to need a good long walk away from everyone else, to just be.
    I love you and hope that your little one feels better soon! Never feel bad about sharing all sides of you, because they are all beautiful and worth hearing! : )
    Much love, I am sending you and Liam healing, calming, light and love!
    Happy Sunday! : )

    ReplyDelete

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