Luminous Lotus~

I've been wanting to write for a while now but the time to do so seems to elude me.  Here it is probably a month later and I am just getting around to jotting a few words down.  It's been a good couple of months off.  It's been all about family, healing, love, and transformation.  You'd think since this is my second child that the transition into motherhood only applies to the first child but that is not the case.  I find that I have been changed by my second baby too. Changes have occurred in my body, mind and heart. I look at my body and the changes are both subtle and obvious.  From the linea negra, the vertical line on the belly during pregnancy, to the massive outer changes in my physical form. The fading line that runs the length of my belly is subtle, but I notice everyday that it is lighter than it was the day before. The shape of my belly is the most obvious and visible sign of change I see as it went from very full and round to, well, sor...

It's Friday afternoon and quiet for a moment.  I rarely have time these days to sit down and write or do much for myself for that matter.  I think I forgot that you don't have time to get much done with a newborn.  We spend most of our days at home, in doors at the moment.  I do try to go on a quick  30 to 40 minute walk with the dog and get a shower in before Jason leaves for work most mornings and that helps put me in a better head space. Sometimes the days seem long and go slow and at other times they seem to go fast. The days are full of nursing Lila, playing with her and then getting her back to sleep. In between here short naps, I get Liam and myself something to eat and we play while we can, and then I try to wash the dishes or get some laundry done.  There never seems to be enough time for anything.  I simply do what I can. The good news is that Lila is awake for longer periods of about an hour before she is ready to sleep again. ...

Lila is 21 days old or 3 weeks old today and doing great.  She is a very sweet baby and is pretty easy to soothe. Here at the Tullous household we are all adjusting to life as a family of four and slowly settling into a rhythm.  Things are mostly good with an occasional rough day thrown in the mix.  I have, of course,  hit the wall of tired but am surviving.  The good news is that Lila is starting to sleep for longer stretches between feedings at night and that helps.  Liam is doing pretty well with things for the most part, and we all seem to be recovering from our rough start and stint in the hospital. He does have his days where he seems to want and need more of my time and attention, and I do my best to be available and present with him.  Liam loves his little sister and wants to touch her, kiss her and hug her constantly.  In fact, we have to remind Liam to give her a little space especially when Lila is tired and trying to go to sleep...

I am sitting in the NICU at UMC here in Tucson trying to make sense of the last few days, but I don't think that that is going to happen.  All I can say is that it's been an epic week.  On June 8, 2011, 30 hours after labor began,  Lila June Tullous was born at 8:33 a.m. weighing in at 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 18.5 inches long.  I would say that my labor experience was really good up until the end when things changed suddenly and abruptly.  Even though the labor was long, things were going well and pretty much the way Jason and I had hoped things would go with laboring at home for a long time and having the most supportive people around us.  I was in the pushing phase of labor when my uterus ruptured, when my uterus tore along my previous c-section scar line and then tore down to the right in a j shape.  With my uterus torn in two places and with the stress of labor, the placenta then detached from the uterine wall.  Fortunately,  my doctor a...

I am 39 weeks and at the end of my pregnancy.  It's been pretty quiet this last week.  I taught my last class until August 2 last Thursday and am just staying close to home.  Mostly, I've spent my time doing the last bit of preparing before this baby arrives and resting in between. Everyday, I feel little changes in my body as it prepares for labor.  I feel highs and lows in my energy as one day I feel the desire to do a lot and the next, I feel like doing nothing at all.  It's strange not to be headed off to class to teach but am enjoying a little break before it gets really busy.  I can't complain.  I miss seeing people at the studio but they are always close at heart, and I will be back at it in no time. I am now at that point where I feel ready to meet this little one.  I have enjoyed this pregnancy and think this is just such an amazing experience.  And even though I have been pregnant before and loved being pregnant with Liam, thi...

Heather I'm making rice.  The wind is wild and blowing outside.  It's a stay-close-to-home sort of day as I am feeling quite fatigued and emotional. This tired I am feeling is not usual for me.  These, of course, are all signs that I am nearing the end of this sweet pregnancy.  Now, I am in a place of contemplation, trying to get clear if I need to begin my break from teaching a week early.  On the one hand, my mind says, "you can make it through the next few days."  While on the other hand, my body is saying,  "it's break time my love."   So I will sit with this question and see how I feel in the morning.  Today is a day to just be. Since I am home, I have been doing a fair amount of thinking. I have been thinking a lot about my friend Heather.  Everyday I visit her blog to read the words she has written and open myself to the teachings she and her beautiful son, Max, have to share and offer.  Every time I visit this blog, ...

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since my last post.  Where does the time go?  Each day comes and goes so quickly lately.  You'd think at this point it would seem to me to be dragging but it isn't. I am a Ripe 36 weeks and 5 days.  I am nearing the end of this miraculous experience and just hoping I will somehow remember what it feels like when this little babe is swimming around on the inside and stretching here little limbs as much as she can in her ever-shrinking home.  My favorite part is feeling her move and feeling her energy with my hands through my belly. People ask me if I am ready for her to come, if I am ready to be done with being pregnant.  I don't feel that way at all.  Yes, I am excited to meet my daughter and set my eyes upon here beautiful physical form, but I am in no hurry.  I know this will be the last time I will be pregnant, so it is important for me to savor this very special time in my life.  It is importan...