Life
I've been pretty quite on here as of late as we were busy with the end of summer travel and all the work leading up to beginning a new homeschool year. Instead of going with Jason and the kids to Colorado to visit for a week with family, I decided to stay back and prepare for the Restorative Yoga and Acupuncture Restshop my friend Maryann and I were offering. And I also wanted to have time for myself to regroup some and get organized for homeschool.
Though I would like to say that all my hard work preparing for our new homeschool 'year' has paid off, I'm not sure that I can. I can say that it helped in regard to feeling ready to teach the kids yoga and mindfulness class with the CREDO Homeschoolers Co-Op. As far as school at home with my kids, we are still trying to find what works and it has not been easy. There have been some decent days in there, but most days feel like they drag and the kids have not been eager to participate or cooperate in their own learning. I really feel that I need a curriculum as this may help guide me and get the kids on track. My main problem is getting Liam and Lila to participate and get engaged.
I feel I have been making a conscious effort to embrace where we are at and to embrace the fact that we are homeschooling for now instead of hating it daily. I'm constantly searching for ideas and inspiration on projects and other ways of learning, and I have to constantly remind myself to relax into this. Meaning, I just try to do a little more or try at least one new thing a week, and I am just trying to get Liam and Lila to work just a little more each day. We are taking baby steps basically. It's definitely an up and down process for us. And the hardest part is seeing my kids feel lonely, seeing how much my kids are longing for friends and time with friends. And that is the trade off in some ways with homeschool. They may not get to play all day with their friends at school but at lease they would get to see their friends daily and sturdy friendships would have a chance to form. At least two times a week we meet up with other kids and homeschool families and the kids are making some new friends and connections. I just think it's going to take time for things to gel in that realm. One big bummer is that my good friend and her kids went back to school this year, so we are really missing them.
There are definitely good things about homeschooling and our kids have a unique opportunity to learn in a way that is fun and fulfilling. Unfortunately, they have not come to realize that yet. I still don't feel I am very good at this and it is a constant practice for me to focus on staying with things as they are and trying to stay positive about it all.
This week has been pretty hard in general and it feels like Liam is back sliding lately as his moods have been intense, he's not very motivated, and the angry, aggressive outbursts or meltdowns have been difficult and draining to say the least.
Jason and I are both experiencing burn out and frustration right now because we don't really get enough breaks away to do what we each need to in order to recharge or simply regroup. I guess it's all part of life as is right now. But I gotta say that I wish life was a little different sometimes. You know what I mean? I wish life was not so freaking challenging so much of the time. Don't get me wrong, we have good days here and there, but it's rare to get through the day without a hitch, a meltdown, or the kids bugging each other. And add to this that Liam can be pretty mean to his little sister and it's all too much sometimes. And truly, I don't understand it.
I do understand that Liam has a lot of anger and resentment toward his sister as he feels she ruined his perfectly happy little family of three (me, Liam and Jason). At a therapy session recently, Liam drew a picture showing his little sister falling off a cliff and dying, walking out the door with a suitcase and never coming back, a grave with a headstone that read: R.I.P. Then he proceeded to draw a picture of his family with all four of us with Lila crossed out. And let me tell you, that was a really hard moment to take in and it took all I had not to burst into tears right then and there. However, I did get teary eyed. The therapist did say that it was good to draw these feelings out instead of acting them out. And I can agree with that but it's deeply sad all the same. I can't say that I was surprised by Liam's picture because he has made it known that he was happier and life was better before Lila came into our lives. But man, you would think that 6 years in, he would be okay with it. I mean really, who knew that adding a little sister to our family would cause Liam so much pain? And what's so hard about this is that I know he really does love his sister even with all of his picking, meanness and anger and resentment toward her. I know this because when it's just the two of them navigating a new situation, he takes care of her. And I have seen them play and have fun and be sweet together, and Lila looks to her big brother to feel safe when they are not with us. So the love is there. We just have to help Liam bring more of that out.
And that will be work in itself as Liam has a very hard time letting go of past hurts, he has a hard time forgiving and he definitely holds strong grudges. Why this is I do not know, but I know it is.
Earlier today, I was feeling quite frustrated and wondering if we are ever gonna get anywhere with therapy and wondering if talk therapy is really the thing that will help Liam heal. I don't know yet. We just started with a new therapist and so it's too early to tell. But something in me feels like we need something more, like the healing that needs to happen has to go deeper. And as I was pondering this, the quote: "All healing must first be a healing of the heart." kept running through my mind. I realized that this is a big piece of what needs to happen for Liam, for us. Liam's heart is hurt. I know it is. And what's so odd or interesting about that is that Liam was born with a heart condition called a Coarctation. I often wonder if the trauma of heart surgery two days after he was born has anything to do at all with his struggles. And I wonder if my own hard time has something to do with the trauma I also endured while giving birth to both Liam and Lila? I don't know. Lila came in hard too but has a pretty happy, light nature. I think that is because she moves a lot and shakes her stress or worries off with movement. Liam has a big tendency to internalize his feelings and has trouble letting big feelings or worries go.
Anyways, all I can do is continue to ponder this puzzle and work at putting the pieces together. I am playing with diet; we are doing therapy; we trying homeschooling; I am looking at all the ways in which I can better care for and love myself so I can be a better, more engaged mom; I am bringing mindfulness activities and opportunities into our daily life; And now I am considering somatic healing or therapy and maybe even a shamanic healing of sorts. Hell, I'm pretty much willing to try anything all in the hopes that something, even just one thing, might resonate with Liam or me or Lila or Jason and help us along.
I guess that's all I can do is just keep trying, try to stay positive, stay open, and give things time shift.
And that's where I'm at, this is life. We are taking it day by day and doing the best we can. The rest I have to let go of for now.
Blessings and Love,
Marcia
Though I would like to say that all my hard work preparing for our new homeschool 'year' has paid off, I'm not sure that I can. I can say that it helped in regard to feeling ready to teach the kids yoga and mindfulness class with the CREDO Homeschoolers Co-Op. As far as school at home with my kids, we are still trying to find what works and it has not been easy. There have been some decent days in there, but most days feel like they drag and the kids have not been eager to participate or cooperate in their own learning. I really feel that I need a curriculum as this may help guide me and get the kids on track. My main problem is getting Liam and Lila to participate and get engaged.
I feel I have been making a conscious effort to embrace where we are at and to embrace the fact that we are homeschooling for now instead of hating it daily. I'm constantly searching for ideas and inspiration on projects and other ways of learning, and I have to constantly remind myself to relax into this. Meaning, I just try to do a little more or try at least one new thing a week, and I am just trying to get Liam and Lila to work just a little more each day. We are taking baby steps basically. It's definitely an up and down process for us. And the hardest part is seeing my kids feel lonely, seeing how much my kids are longing for friends and time with friends. And that is the trade off in some ways with homeschool. They may not get to play all day with their friends at school but at lease they would get to see their friends daily and sturdy friendships would have a chance to form. At least two times a week we meet up with other kids and homeschool families and the kids are making some new friends and connections. I just think it's going to take time for things to gel in that realm. One big bummer is that my good friend and her kids went back to school this year, so we are really missing them.
There are definitely good things about homeschooling and our kids have a unique opportunity to learn in a way that is fun and fulfilling. Unfortunately, they have not come to realize that yet. I still don't feel I am very good at this and it is a constant practice for me to focus on staying with things as they are and trying to stay positive about it all.
This week has been pretty hard in general and it feels like Liam is back sliding lately as his moods have been intense, he's not very motivated, and the angry, aggressive outbursts or meltdowns have been difficult and draining to say the least.
Jason and I are both experiencing burn out and frustration right now because we don't really get enough breaks away to do what we each need to in order to recharge or simply regroup. I guess it's all part of life as is right now. But I gotta say that I wish life was a little different sometimes. You know what I mean? I wish life was not so freaking challenging so much of the time. Don't get me wrong, we have good days here and there, but it's rare to get through the day without a hitch, a meltdown, or the kids bugging each other. And add to this that Liam can be pretty mean to his little sister and it's all too much sometimes. And truly, I don't understand it.
I do understand that Liam has a lot of anger and resentment toward his sister as he feels she ruined his perfectly happy little family of three (me, Liam and Jason). At a therapy session recently, Liam drew a picture showing his little sister falling off a cliff and dying, walking out the door with a suitcase and never coming back, a grave with a headstone that read: R.I.P. Then he proceeded to draw a picture of his family with all four of us with Lila crossed out. And let me tell you, that was a really hard moment to take in and it took all I had not to burst into tears right then and there. However, I did get teary eyed. The therapist did say that it was good to draw these feelings out instead of acting them out. And I can agree with that but it's deeply sad all the same. I can't say that I was surprised by Liam's picture because he has made it known that he was happier and life was better before Lila came into our lives. But man, you would think that 6 years in, he would be okay with it. I mean really, who knew that adding a little sister to our family would cause Liam so much pain? And what's so hard about this is that I know he really does love his sister even with all of his picking, meanness and anger and resentment toward her. I know this because when it's just the two of them navigating a new situation, he takes care of her. And I have seen them play and have fun and be sweet together, and Lila looks to her big brother to feel safe when they are not with us. So the love is there. We just have to help Liam bring more of that out.
And that will be work in itself as Liam has a very hard time letting go of past hurts, he has a hard time forgiving and he definitely holds strong grudges. Why this is I do not know, but I know it is.
Earlier today, I was feeling quite frustrated and wondering if we are ever gonna get anywhere with therapy and wondering if talk therapy is really the thing that will help Liam heal. I don't know yet. We just started with a new therapist and so it's too early to tell. But something in me feels like we need something more, like the healing that needs to happen has to go deeper. And as I was pondering this, the quote: "All healing must first be a healing of the heart." kept running through my mind. I realized that this is a big piece of what needs to happen for Liam, for us. Liam's heart is hurt. I know it is. And what's so odd or interesting about that is that Liam was born with a heart condition called a Coarctation. I often wonder if the trauma of heart surgery two days after he was born has anything to do at all with his struggles. And I wonder if my own hard time has something to do with the trauma I also endured while giving birth to both Liam and Lila? I don't know. Lila came in hard too but has a pretty happy, light nature. I think that is because she moves a lot and shakes her stress or worries off with movement. Liam has a big tendency to internalize his feelings and has trouble letting big feelings or worries go.
Anyways, all I can do is continue to ponder this puzzle and work at putting the pieces together. I am playing with diet; we are doing therapy; we trying homeschooling; I am looking at all the ways in which I can better care for and love myself so I can be a better, more engaged mom; I am bringing mindfulness activities and opportunities into our daily life; And now I am considering somatic healing or therapy and maybe even a shamanic healing of sorts. Hell, I'm pretty much willing to try anything all in the hopes that something, even just one thing, might resonate with Liam or me or Lila or Jason and help us along.
I guess that's all I can do is just keep trying, try to stay positive, stay open, and give things time shift.
And that's where I'm at, this is life. We are taking it day by day and doing the best we can. The rest I have to let go of for now.
Blessings and Love,
Marcia
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