With Hope ~
I wish I could go for a walk, but I am here and at least I am outside, and at least I am trying. Trying for what, I do not know. Really, I think I come and stay in the hopes that today will be better, that today will be different.
Unfortunately, though, things are the same from day to day as I am still spending everyday here at school with the kids. And everyday is still a struggle as far as getting to school is concerned. And I am tired and frustrated with this mess and with trying to do what I think is right. It's a confusing mix of: keep trying and just let it go. I cannot decide what the hell to do because of my hope that this could work out.
And then there is the fact that there are good days and Liam's teacher is awesome and they do really fun creative learning projects, which Liam loves. Lila's teacher, on the other hand, leaves me less impressed as she yells often and seems constantly irritated by the kids. And yet, she's not all bad. I just think she does not love her job much anymore, and these things happen. And when we are unhappy, at some point it will show up on the outside. I think this is the case with Lila's teacher.
The confusion that I feel stems from my want for this school thing to work out so that I can have my days open up and so that I can have the time to do what I want and need instead of always what everyone else wants and needs because living up the needs of others and constantly being needed is exhausting.
But the undeniable truth is that Liam's anxiety and sadness and difficulty are painfully present and obvious and cannot be ignored. He complains of ear and head and stomach and body pain daily. He has trouble focusing, he has trouble sitting in class without me, and he just does not seem to be adjusting or getting comfortable. So on the other side of this coin of confusion is the knowledge that that things are not working, and I am not getting my time anyway, and it's not going to change any time soon no matter how bad I want it to.
I wish it would change and smooth out and be great, but perhaps that change is not going to happen here, at this time, in this place. Perhaps school is too much on top of everything else we are trying to figure out with and for Liam. And perhaps I am being selfish in my want for things to work out the way that I want them to because I am tired and in need of a break from all that is required of me to do these basic things in life like get my kids to school, which do not feel all that basic in simple terms, they feel hard.
It's hard to see your kids resisting going to school and still push them to go anyway because this is what we think we need to do. And for most people, most families, not having the kids in school is not an option because both parents have to work. Jason and I are fortunate in this regard because we both work for ourselves, meaning we have time to be with our kids and can set a schedule that works for our family. And at this point that is the golden opportunity in this situation because it reveals the beautiful fact that we are not stuck. We are not stuck. We are not stuck. We can change things and do things differently and there are options. I don't think I realized that before. I don't think that I realized that until we watched the documentary: Class Dismissed. (You can find out more about this documentary for rent here: http://rent.classdismissedmovie.com )
What I realized after watching that documentary is that maybe homeschool is an option to consider and that maybe it would help our family and give us some of the time Jason and I need, though, that line of thinking may sound counter intuitive. I think most people think of homeschool as just school at home. This documentary showed me that this idea is false and limited. Before I watched that documentary, I was totally averse to the idea of homeschooling because I was worried that any chance or opportunity for me to have time for what I want and need would be destroyed. But I am realizing that homeschool may be the answer and change we are looking for.
And what I know with absolute certainty is that Jason and I are just ready for a change, for a break from the constant stress that seems to consume our lives. We are tired of feeling like everyday is an uphill battle, and we are tired of soldiering on for or trying to stay in command of the school situation along with everything else. And I think at this point we both realize that changing schools is not an option worth trying. We realize that this would only create more anxiety and would require more energy on our part. So here we are leaning hard in the direction of homeschooling for our kids, ready to come up with a new plan for our days as a family, ready to pull our kids out of school and into a new life with us. At this point, I would rather choose the uncertainty and embrace the scariness of that over the stress, and I think that says a lot.
I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, send love and good thoughts our way.