A Long Time Away~
Photo by: Matthew Dols
My last post was in January. It's been 4 months since I've last written a thing. I guess I've been away so long because I haven't really known what to say or think or share. On some level, I've been reluctant to share what's really going on for me for fear of how such information might be perceived. Maybe it's all part of this strange change that I seem to be in. I find myself questioning everything from teaching to parenting and everything else in between. I honestly don't know why I feel so displaced and uncertain, but I do. And I find myself less and less interested in the things I used to be interested in, and more and more uninspired by those things that use to really inspire me.
I find myself getting bored, to some degree, with the whole yoga scene. It's all become so trendy and bendy and ultra ego driven. It's a bit too much-look at me- for me. Don't get the wrong idea here, I'm not writing this post to bash yoga. I'm simply noticing that I don't love the way I see things in the yoga world going. I'm glad people are practicing and finding a better way to live and be in their bodies. This part is good. I just think that there is a lot of focus on just one area of the practice, the poses. And you could add to that, how one looks in the poses. I'm just kinda over this part.
I still practice. I don't, however, practice for the pose or poses. I practice for my own sanity and to feel just a little better in my body, mind and heart. Practicing anything harder than gentle yoga has been a real challenge and just doesn't work for my body these days. This may change, or it may not. Maybe I'm just out of hard-yoga shape, or maybe I just don't like hard yoga anymore because it beats me down and whacks out my nervous system too much. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things, or maybe me and my body are just not the same.
Ever since Lila was born, my body has not been or felt the same. And this may be because my body was changed by the birth of both of my children. Birth was hard on me and on them. Thankfully, both Liam and Lila survived and continue to thrive despite their rough entry into this world. For this, I am eternally grateful. I, on the other hand, have struggled nearly everyday with some pain or discomfort from where my c-section scar is to all the way around to my sacrum. You wouldn't know it from the outside, but I feel it on the inside.
It turns out that having a ruptured uterus and major abdominal surgery is pretty hard on the body even 4 years later. I often question whether my large intestines and my entire uterus where put back in the same place because it doesn't feel like it. It sort of feels like my intestines and uterus were just crammed back into my body in a hurry instead of with care. But what do I know? I was completely unconscious during the event of my daughter's emergency birth. All I know is that I felt like I was run over by a truck and in a state of shock afterward. But a mom with a new born baby whose also been through trauma doesn't have much time to think about these things when she knows her baby needs her. So your focus shifts from what just happened, to what needs to be done. And this is sort of the way life is when you have children and a family to tend to.
And this is the point, life has been all about what needs to be done. I don't even know if I could tell you what I want anymore. I think I could tell you what I need, though. And this is the place that I have come to, I need more than I have around me right now. I need a good friend, more quality time for myself, my mom and dad, a community I feel connected to and can count on, professionals who can help me figure out what's going on in my body, financial stability, a steady student base, less stress and more joy.
I don't know what I have in me at the moment except for a lot of questions. Usually, I'm pretty good at listening for and finding my own answers, but this too seems hard to do these days. I do not think this is due to a lack of trying on my part. I think this has more to do with time in general. I have to give the answers time to arise. I have to give my life time to make some sense. And I have to make a better habit of taking the time I need for myself, for my own well being.
Time. Time is all about patience and wisdom. We need to have patience with the way life unfolds, and we have to be wise about the way we use our time. Obviously, a theme has arisen and with it, a little insight. I love how writing always brings something good up and out. I guess it pays to open up, even if only to myself. It pays to be honest about how I really am and where I am really at.
And where I am at, is at the beginning of better. If things are going to get better, I have to first know what I need to do to make things better. I have begun the process. I have a pelvic ultrasound on June 3rd and a meet with the NP to discuss the ultrasound immediately following. I am signed up for a restorative yoga teacher training with Judith Hanson Lasater this July in San Francisco, which I hope will give me a chance to get some clarity and direction on teaching in general. If nothing else, it will give me some much needed quality time with myself. And maybe that, in and of itself, is worth every penny this training and trip will cost. Next, I have to work on my guilt. I often feel guilty for wanting and taking any time for myself. I think that I've put myself on the back burner for so long that it feels rather selfish to do anything I really want. And the worst part is that I feel angry and resentful when I don't ask for and take the time that I need. I only allow myself to take the bare minimum of time so that I am not stressing Jason out and taking time away from his work because I know he too stresses about getting his work done. And this serves neither me nor him. We both suffer from the stress and so do our kids.
So things must change. And things must change now, not later. And it's not so much that we, Jason and I, must take away anything from ourselves or our lives. Instead, Jason and I just need to add more of what we need and want into the fold of our lives. We need to prioritize or priorities as Sheila Viers so brilliantly wrote in her article "3 Ways to Slow Down and Take Better Care of Yourself".
And perhaps, we all need to do more of that.
Sending Blessings of Good Health and Happiness your way,