About a month ago I tried to write a blog and got half way through. It seems I am in some sort of time warp as time passes so quickly these days and I never seem to get all of what I want done. This part of motherhood is frustrating for me as I am someone who likes to get a certain amount of things done. I am learning to let go of this need a little at a time. Since my last attempt to write, Christmas has come and gone and a new year has begun. It's strange that it is only 11 days into the new year and the new year feels like it arrived months ago. See, I am in a time warp. Very weird.
Anyway, there has been a lot of inner work going on for me. This has been a time of reevaluating everything from the way I parent to the way I care about myself. Mostly, I have come to realize that patience and presence is an everyday practice when it comes to parenting and is something that I am learning how to be better at. It is a time of shifting perspectives, a time of finding the energy to change what needs to be changed so that I can bring my life into balance, so that my family and I are experiencing more joy and harmony on a regular basis.
I am writing today to organize my thoughts and have a better overall view of my life as it as and not as I wish it to be. I am writing because I can and want to and also because I have had a certain thought on my mind for a while. I will share...
Since getting cable, I have been watching Oprah's Life class segments regularly and love them. I think Oprah is a great teacher and really appreciate the teachings she is offering. On one of the life lessons that recently aired, she said something that has really stuck with me. This is what she said, "I believe being a parent is one of the highest callings that there is." I never really thought about motherhood like that before. It was more like I thought of becoming a mother as something you chose to do or not to do, you either want a child or children or you don't. Thinking about motherhood in those terms has given new meaning to this path I am walking. I don't think that raising and loving my children is all I am meant to do, but right now it is what I am called to do. This is my Dharma, my purpose, right now. This is what sustains me and where I am learning the most at this time. I am being asked to parent with purpose and to realize the importance and value of what I am doing right now even if it seems simplistic, which, of course, it is not.
In fact everyday has some sort of a challenge to go along with it. So everyday, I am asked to look at the way I respond or react to the current situation I am in. And some days I do better than others. Mostly the biggest challenge has been my son Liam. He has been having a difficult time and things with him have not been easy. He fights us daily on everything and anything from going to school, brushing his teeth, cutting his nails, to sitting down at the dinner table to eat. He has a hard time with me leaving and that too is hard on me. My poor little fellow is quite sensitive , feels everything and is often overwhelmed by the world. I understand how he feels all to well.
Because I too am tired and sensitive, I have been more of a reactive parent than a patient, calm one. And what all this less-than-stellar mothering has made me realize is that it is important for me not to get caught up in my son's emotions or my own at this time because it is exhausting! So I am learning the art of stepping back from the situation, pausing in the moment, and working to stay with my breath. Believe me, it is much harder than it sounds. I have also recently come to terms with the fact that I am not my best when I am tired and depleted, and I have been in that place a lot recently. So what that means is that I must care about myself as much as I care about and for everybody else. Why? Because I matter. My needs matter. My emotional state and overall well being matters, so extreme self-care is a must for me. Self Love is a must for me.
The odd thing about being in a place in my life where I have felt extremely frustrated, sad, confused, uncertain and have been questioning my direction, ability and such, is that it is teaching me so much. As I have continued to ask my higher self questions and sit with the uncertainty and been in that place of discomfort, the clarity and growth has come along too. These things take time. And, well, as I have already mentioned, patience is not easy for me, but I am learning. In my book, that is progress.
Another aspect of my life that I am finally more clear on is teaching. During this time of re-alignment, I have been asking myself this: What kind of teacher am I? What do I want to offer? Why do I want to teach? In the process of asking questions, a few answers have arisen. I am not about the-fire-of-transformation sort of teacher. I am not intensity or fire. I am water and earth. I am flow. I am more about grounding and am a nurturer at heart. I am a healer. My aim in my teaching is to offer a balanced class, to create a safe, sacred, uplifting environment for each student to be able to explore the poses and get connected in body, mind and heart. It matters to me that I do my best to offer a balanced class, one that is appropriately challenging, thoughtful, adequately focused and restful. I want each student to walk out feeling lighter, brighter, more balanced, focused and calm than when they walked in. So if you are looking for the antidote to the craziness of your life and you are in need of nurturing, I am your girl and my class is for you.
Even though this has been a tough phase for me to be in, I am grateful that I have been forced to look deeper to find the answers to my questions. I am grateful for the change and growth that is happening for me right now. It is not always easy to make the changes or to deal with the growing pains, but it is good and useful in the long run.
I now know what it is I want and am after. Mostly, I want to be what it is I am meant to be. I want to Gracefully come into my own. I want to live my life in an honest way. I want more joy. I want more balance. I want more harmony. I want to remember that being a mother is the highest calling there is and really commit and devote my time to Liam, Lila and Jason. I want to be the kind of mother, teacher and guide that these two beautiful souls deserve because I know that they too are here to make a difference in the world. Therefore, it is up to me and Jason to lead the way with love and determination, one good deed at a time.