Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Before I was a Mom~

On mornings like this when I wake to a sick, crying boy, a grumpy husband, a sore throat,  a tired body, a head that hurts, a mind that is blank and a heart and spirit that feels heavy and blue,  I try to remind myself that it's just today and that things will get better.  Of course, sometimes feeling better is easier said than done.  Right now,  I am slow and just trying to get myself motivated to do the things that I need to do in the hopes that I will feel better sooner than tomorrow.  

Anyway, in this strange state I am in,  I was on line and came across this sweet story written by a mom.  Who the mom is that wrote this story is a mystery.  Reading it, though, touched me simply because it's so honest, relatable and real.  So I am posting this story for all those moms and dads out there that need to know that even in the midst of the difficult moments when we are feeling tired and overwhelmed that we are not alone.  Also, it is a great reminder to remember how important and special this parenting life is.  It is important to remember how big and amazing this love for your child is because I think the love helps you make it through the day.  And, yes, some days are rough, and I wonder how I will make it through. Then, my son hugs me and loves me a in such a way that it softens me right down to the middle of my heart and I breathe again.  So here I am reminding myself to breathe and to just be with tired I feel.   I am sitting here reminding myself of the beauty of the bond I share with this little human being sitting next to me and that makes me smile.  

So here is the story:


Author Unknown

Before I was a Mom
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom,
I slept as late as I wanted
And never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was Mom
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words of lullabies.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom
I had never been puked on
Pooped on
Spit on
Chewed on
Peed on
Or pinched by tiny fingers

Before I was a Mom
I had complete control of:
My thoughts
My body
And my mind.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child
So that doctors could do tests
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
When I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
Could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a Mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
Could make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay
I had never known the warmth
The joy
The love
The heartache
The wonder
Or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.


Blessings of Love, Peace, and Good Health,


Saturday, September 25, 2010

Been a while...

Wow, I cannot believe how the days pass by.  All is well here.  My family is doing well and I am doing well.  My classes and teaching are going well and have been keeping busy.  I have even subbed a bit the past couple weeks.  In fact,  I feel tired from all the business.

Liam's birthday is in less than a week, and I think he is excited about his special day.  He has asked for a tortoise for his birthday, so I have been researching tortoises to figure out which one would be best for us as a family.  There are several species of tortoises and they can vary quite a bit in size. .  Tortoises have long lives and can grow to be quite large.  For example, the Sulcatas, African Tortoise, can grow to weigh up to 120 pounds and can live to be 100 years or more!  Amazing.  After researching things,  I think the best, most suitable tortoise for us would be the Herman tortoise.  We want to get a baby so Liam can watch it grow.  I am really excited about this myself.  I can hardly wait to see his joy as he receives this sweet birthday surprise.

It's funny because when we were at his cardiologist visit he was telling his doctor that he was getting a tortoise for his birthday.   So I've got to make this happen. Besides, it's gonna be great to give him this gift!

Speaking of Liam's cardiologist visit,  he had a great check up.  His heart looks great and there is no need for precautions or further surgical procedures at this time.  In fact, we got the okay from the doctor for Liam to play soccer.  Hooray!  I am just grateful he is doing so well.   I hope this trend continues throughout his whole life.

Okay, so there isn't much else to tell.  Let's see,  I am attending the second teacher training next week and am looking forward to that.  I think it will be good for me and will help me to refine and improve my teaching.  All in all,  I have been feeling pretty good about things.  My classes are going well, and I feel fortunate that my classes are consistently well attended.  In some ways,  I feel that I have had a shift of some sorts and have taken a step forward and up in my teaching.  I think that I have grown a lot here in Tucson with the help of my students and teachers.  Of course, there is endless learning and growing to do as far as this all goes.  It's a good thing I've got my whole life to learn and will get better as I go.  I love that there is always more to learn.

Off I go to enjoy the day and to go visit some tortoises.  Maybe tonight I won't dream about buying tortoises because I will actually have one...  I will be sure to post a picture of Liam and our newest family member.

Steady and Slow wins the race...

Have a mellow day,

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


I bought the Real Simple Family magazine issue last night and there is this great section on moments  or things to remember about your children when they are young.  I was sitting on the couch looking at the photographs and reading the shared moments, and I started to feel a little sad.  I think it's because I know how fleeting this time is.  This time when my son is young and running around the house in just his underwear.  I look over at him stretched out on the couch and can't help but be amazed at how much he has grown and so fast.  He still likes to sit and cuddle with me, and we have moments that are just mine and his alone. 

I try to be with each moment so that I will always remember this time, but the truth is no matter how hard I stare at  or breathe in the moment, it will not hold this time still.  It's such a strange and beautiful thing to bring another human being into the world and to watch them grow.  Parenting is no easy thing but it is amazing how it shifts you and makes you look at life so differently.  

And today I am feeling that ache in my heart, that longing for another little person to join our family.  It's funny how the want hits at the strangest time.  All is well and then I feel it.  I know the time will come when we will welcome another little being into our life and it will be wonderful and challenging all at the same time. However,  I still feel the desire and the sadness from time to time.  I suppose the good thing about the longing I feel is that at least know what it is I want.

For now and always, I have my sweet Liam to love and hold and watch with eyes wide open.  I take in each moment and try to store them in some place within me so that I too can remember the beauty of this time we have together now.  And when I feel like things are moving to fast,  I remind myself to breathe.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Two Weeks Later...

It's been two weeks since my last post.  All is well here in the desert.  The temperature is slowly dropping and the air is cooler in the morning, which is a relief. We haven't had much rain out at our house and wish more rain would come. Hopefully Mother Nature will send more of the wet stuff our way.  

 Life is back to normal.  It seems we are in a rhythm with work and all.  Liam is doing great.  His 4th birthday is less than a month away!  This year is flying by and can hardly seem to keep up. The busyness will continue this month too with cycling camp season in full swing for Jason.  He had a camp this past week and weekend and leaves for Montreal for most of this week.  Then begins the nearly- every-Sunday-morning sessions with the UMC group to help prepare folks for El Tour.  Of course,  this means things will be busy for me as well as I will have to spend more time home.  I will just have to be creative with my time and take time away when I can.  

My classes are doing well and have picked up.  Teaching in general is going well,  and I feel that a step up or forward has been made.  It's like a shift has happened all by itself.  I love it when diligence pays off, but, then again, it always does.  

A week or so ago I shared this great little story about a Hopi man's description of his inner struggles in a couple of my classes that I would like to share here too. I got this little story out of one of my favorite books "Meditations from the Mat" by Rolf Gates and Katrina Kennison.  

Here's the story:

"There are two dogs that live inside meOne of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time."  Someone asked, "which dog usually wins?"  Upon a moment of quite reflection, the Hopi man replied, "the one I feed the most."

Every time I read this story I am moved.  It's like a volt of electricity, like a shock of the truth, runs through me and all the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

This story is a great reminder to be aware of how we love and care for ourselves. It's good to take a step back and look at the fight from the outside and observe which dog you're feeding? What are you encouraging on the inside? In what way are you learning to love you and the good dog more by letting the bad dog win.  Sometimes experiencing the negative helps us to understand and appreciate the positive, so it's all part of the learning experience. 

It seems I am in that place of learning to love and embrace every aspect of myself as I am and not as I think I should be.  It's amazing how that sort of thing can change things for the better in your life.  Besides,  I've been feeding the mean dog for far too long.  I think it's the good dog's turn win.


Think kind.
Speak kind.
Be kind.