Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Back At It~

I am finally through the hard part of the last few weeks.  Really the hardest part was all the waiting I feel like I've been doing during these past few weeks.  Once I got the word that my body was taking care of the last of the pregnancy on it's own, meaning no more physical symptoms and more dissolution and re-absorption of what was left,  I felt ready to get on with life.  I have jumped right back into things.

In fact this past weekend is a perfect example of moving forward.  This past weekend Jason, Liam and I went up to Mt. Lemmon and walked in the stream for two hours.  We caught lots of tadpoles, a baby frog, a butterfly, some grasshoppers, and went on the hunt for a praying mantis, which we never found. I love how Liam helps me remember the art of exploration and wonder.  It was so great to be among the trees and walking in the water exploring nature for the sweetest of treasures.

Sunday I got back to teaching my 8:30 class and it was great.  I had 28 wonderful people join me for a sacred morning practice.  All the students were so happy I was back and many shared with me that they had missed me.  How sweet is that?!  I feel fortunate, and I feel loved.

After class, I got home and started cleaning the house.  Jason and Liam had started the process and boy did we get a lot of work done.  It was great to get the house clean and organized and clear out the stagnant energy in the house that had been lingering for the last two weeks.  It is amazing what a clean house can do to uplift my spirits and, in some ways, set things right.

I had this awesome realization during this past week about how mine and Jason's love has changed and grown over the years.  I am lucky to have such a good guy, a good husband that truly cares about and loves me as I am.  Jason and I have not had it easy over these past, nearly, 4 years.  We have experienced a lot ups and downs together.  The thing is that the difficult moments either bring you together or tear you apart.  I think that when two people are really committed to each other and the life they have together, there is no problem that you cannot solve together.

 I was washing the dishes and thinking how wonderful it is that I love Jason more now and in a deeper way than I ever have before.  In some ways, I feel that these last two miscarriages have really helped to open my eyes and heart to what is right in front of me.  It's easy to overlook the obvious if you are looking to far out. Sometimes all we need is a shift in perspective and to make an effort to appreciate what we already have.

So despite the disappointment I still feel,  life is good.  In many ways, I am quite surprised at how quickly I have bounced back this time around.  My adaptability and resilience to life's surprises and abrupt changes shows me how much I have grown.  I am grateful for my strength and faith and for the love I have all around me.  I am fortunate in so many ways, and all I need to do is remember that.

Strong and Flexible Like Bamboo,


Thursday, August 19, 2010

In It But With It~

It's been a weird and wild two weeks. The abrupt changes that have occurred over the past few weeks have been many.  I am just trying to stay with things even as they continue to change. I have had moments of sadness and disappointment to be sure.  Now,  I am left with a lot of questions that there are no real answers for. This experience has been different on every level. 

The good news is that it wasn't as physically painful as the first time but it has been more draining in other ways.  It has been a longer process this time and nothing has gone as it was supposed to.  I even took a prescribed medication to help encourage the miscarriage along and both times the medicine failed to work.  No one, including myself, seems to know why.  It seems my body is reabsorbing all signs of this pregnancy.  It's almost as if the process has gone in reverse.  It's oddly fascinating, strange, sad and baffling all at the same time.  

However,  I would say I am doing well for the most part.  I feel like the last couple of weeks my life has been on hold in some ways and so am just ready to get on with things. I just want to get back to feeling good in my body, mind, and heart.  I am getting there. It's been a bit up and down.  I felt good on Tuesday, felt terrible Wednesday due to the medication and today was okay. I practiced today and that felt good and helped me make it through teaching today. At least today was better than yesterday and that is good. I am hoping tomorrow is even better. 

Even though I can't seem to totally rest, and am just coming out of this experience,  I am surprised at how well I am doing with all of it.  It's amazing what awareness and a desire to be with life and each moment that comes and goes can do for you.  Awareness and Desire and Connection are so grounding. It is as if all three are this place you can hold to when things spin out of control so to speak.  It's like sitting in the center of yourself, holding onto this pole of light, like this line that runs through the center of you, and you look out and watch the world whirl by.  And even as you watch this movement all around you, you are taking in all the energy of the moment.  You still feel everything but it's different.  It's hard to put into words.  For me, this feeling of being grounded and connected and alive all the while is really quite comforting.  My mind wants to disagree with me on that.  In fact, my mind like to disagree with me a lot, but that's another story.

It is getting late and should get myself to bed so that I can begin again tomorrow.  

I'll close with this: "Each morning we are born again.  What we do today is what matters most."  (Buddha)

Pause, Breathe, Feel,


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

An Invitation to live life fully~

Life is not a straight road to some final place.  Life is full of twists and turns and unexpected moments.  And everyday we are invited to live life to the fullest. We are invited to embrace each day and all it brings with both arms. And even when it is difficult to show up and face the world, we find the courage and strength in our own hearts to do so.

I don't think that I would be where I am today without my practice to support me in times when I need it most.  I am not just talking about running through the poses.  I am talking about the way in which we choose to live our life moment to moment, breath by breath.  And sometimes,  when the heart is heavy and the mind is cluttered,  taking a deep breath can be difficult.  But breathing in each moment, which is a practice,  is the best thing we can do for ourselves.  

Bare and vulnerable is not such a bad place to be.  In fact,  it is the real place to be.

Respond to the invitation to Live.  Even if it is difficult today,  tomorrow will be better.

This poem bears repeating...
The Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, book cover
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

What to make of all this?

It's late and I should be in bed asleep.  I have been trying to get comfortable and just slumber peacefully off to sleep, but it's not happening.  I hate it when I feel exhausted on every level, yet I cannot sleep or rest despite my desire to.  I suppose I have too much on my mind and heart.  My body feels weird and heavy, tight and empty.  I feel numb at some times and sad and disappointed at others.  While listening to a song that makes me happy and uplifts my spirits I feel happy.  This is quite a ride I am on.  For the moment,  I am in it and doing my best to stay and be with whatever comes.

I know this sounds like vague rambling since I have made no mention as to why I am feeling so many ways at once, and, well it is.  Let me explain...

I was 8 weeks pregnant and have just had another miscarriage.  I have had two miscarriages in 5 months.  To say the least,  I feel seriously disappointed and sad at moments.  The good news is I don't feel consumed by the rising and falling of my emotions.  Meaning, I am not a crying mess.  I have moments when my eyes well up and I do cry, but it is not overwhelming and is more of a relief.  Maybe it is all because it is so recent. Really, I think I am still just trying to come to terms with it all.

At least this miscarriage wasn't as physically painful as the first one.  Where I am at now, though, is very much the same.  I am in that strange, in-between place.  It is hard to explain what I mean by 'in-between place',   so I am not even going to try. Besides, there isn't much I can do about it.  I really feel that rushing past this will do me no good.  I just need to be where I am and let this experience and the emotions that come with it run their course.  All I can do is trust my instincts and feel my way forward one moment at a time.

I find it interesting, though, how physically heavy and dulling sadness and disappointment are.  I feel a heaviness in my body.  My muscles feel tight, which may be my resistance to the loss, by bones feel dense, food tastes weird,  my head hurts, and I have sick unsettled feeling in my belly.

And my mind is something else. There is this part of my mind that immediately questions what went wrong.  Then I start to question whether there is something wrong with me.  Is this not meant to be?  You see how out of control the thinking can get.  My mind can go wild and just swirl with the thoughts until it makes me dizzy.  Then, there is this other part or side of me that knows deep down that everything is okay.  Meaning,  there is nothing wrong with me physically.  This loss has nothing to do with me not doing enough to care for myself and this baby.  This loss is not in my hands.

I don't have an answer as to why this pregnancy came to an end so early.  I wish I knew the reason for this loss, but I don't.  I keep wondering:  What is the lesson in all this for me? Why am I having this experience?  I haven't figured this out yet, obviously.  In time,  these things will come clear or they won't.

So what next?  Healing is what's next.  Nurturing and kindness and compassion towards myself.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe this is all about me learning to love and mother myself first, then, the baby will come.  I have to have faith in the process and trust this will all work out as it is meant to.  I do what I can and let go of the rest.

Off to bed to sleep,  I hope.

Hopeful and Heavy,