In It But With It~
It's been a weird and wild two weeks. The abrupt changes that have occurred over the past few weeks have been many. I am just trying to stay with things even as they continue to change. I have had moments of sadness and disappointment to be sure. Now, I am left with a lot of questions that there are no real answers for. This experience has been different on every level.
The good news is that it wasn't as physically painful as the first time but it has been more draining in other ways. It has been a longer process this time and nothing has gone as it was supposed to. I even took a prescribed medication to help encourage the miscarriage along and both times the medicine failed to work. No one, including myself, seems to know why. It seems my body is reabsorbing all signs of this pregnancy. It's almost as if the process has gone in reverse. It's oddly fascinating, strange, sad and baffling all at the same time.
However, I would say I am doing well for the most part. I feel like the last couple of weeks my life has been on hold in some ways and so am just ready to get on with things. I just want to get back to feeling good in my body, mind, and heart. I am getting there. It's been a bit up and down. I felt good on Tuesday, felt terrible Wednesday due to the medication and today was okay. I practiced today and that felt good and helped me make it through teaching today. At least today was better than yesterday and that is good. I am hoping tomorrow is even better.
Even though I can't seem to totally rest, and am just coming out of this experience, I am surprised at how well I am doing with all of it. It's amazing what awareness and a desire to be with life and each moment that comes and goes can do for you. Awareness and Desire and Connection are so grounding. It is as if all three are this place you can hold to when things spin out of control so to speak. It's like sitting in the center of yourself, holding onto this pole of light, like this line that runs through the center of you, and you look out and watch the world whirl by. And even as you watch this movement all around you, you are taking in all the energy of the moment. You still feel everything but it's different. It's hard to put into words. For me, this feeling of being grounded and connected and alive all the while is really quite comforting. My mind wants to disagree with me on that. In fact, my mind like to disagree with me a lot, but that's another story.
It is getting late and should get myself to bed so that I can begin again tomorrow.
I'll close with this: "Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." (Buddha)
Pause, Breathe, Feel,