What to make of all this?

It's late and I should be in bed asleep.  I have been trying to get comfortable and just slumber peacefully off to sleep, but it's not happening.  I hate it when I feel exhausted on every level, yet I cannot sleep or rest despite my desire to.  I suppose I have too much on my mind and heart.  My body feels weird and heavy, tight and empty.  I feel numb at some times and sad and disappointed at others.  While listening to a song that makes me happy and uplifts my spirits I feel happy.  This is quite a ride I am on.  For the moment,  I am in it and doing my best to stay and be with whatever comes.

I know this sounds like vague rambling since I have made no mention as to why I am feeling so many ways at once, and, well it is.  Let me explain...

I was 8 weeks pregnant and have just had another miscarriage.  I have had two miscarriages in 5 months.  To say the least,  I feel seriously disappointed and sad at moments.  The good news is I don't feel consumed by the rising and falling of my emotions.  Meaning, I am not a crying mess.  I have moments when my eyes well up and I do cry, but it is not overwhelming and is more of a relief.  Maybe it is all because it is so recent. Really, I think I am still just trying to come to terms with it all.

At least this miscarriage wasn't as physically painful as the first one.  Where I am at now, though, is very much the same.  I am in that strange, in-between place.  It is hard to explain what I mean by 'in-between place',   so I am not even going to try. Besides, there isn't much I can do about it.  I really feel that rushing past this will do me no good.  I just need to be where I am and let this experience and the emotions that come with it run their course.  All I can do is trust my instincts and feel my way forward one moment at a time.

I find it interesting, though, how physically heavy and dulling sadness and disappointment are.  I feel a heaviness in my body.  My muscles feel tight, which may be my resistance to the loss, by bones feel dense, food tastes weird,  my head hurts, and I have sick unsettled feeling in my belly.

And my mind is something else. There is this part of my mind that immediately questions what went wrong.  Then I start to question whether there is something wrong with me.  Is this not meant to be?  You see how out of control the thinking can get.  My mind can go wild and just swirl with the thoughts until it makes me dizzy.  Then, there is this other part or side of me that knows deep down that everything is okay.  Meaning,  there is nothing wrong with me physically.  This loss has nothing to do with me not doing enough to care for myself and this baby.  This loss is not in my hands.

I don't have an answer as to why this pregnancy came to an end so early.  I wish I knew the reason for this loss, but I don't.  I keep wondering:  What is the lesson in all this for me? Why am I having this experience?  I haven't figured this out yet, obviously.  In time,  these things will come clear or they won't.

So what next?  Healing is what's next.  Nurturing and kindness and compassion towards myself.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe this is all about me learning to love and mother myself first, then, the baby will come.  I have to have faith in the process and trust this will all work out as it is meant to.  I do what I can and let go of the rest.

Off to bed to sleep,  I hope.

Hopeful and Heavy,

Marcia

Comments

  1. So sorry to hear this Marcia. Sending you thoughts of love and peace now and always. Take time and take care.
    Love.

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  2. Och, Marcia, there is a pain in miscarriage that is unique. Among the difficult parts is the fact that we may never know a reason. To walk the path of wisdom and joy in the midst of the unknown... that seems very difficult. We often want to say, "This is what I did right" or "This is what I did wrong." But we often don't know that. We only know we are doing our best. To find one's balance in the midst of grief and in the midst of saying, "I am doing the best I can," that, I think, is one of the most deeply human points of all our existence. I am proud of you as you walk that path. With warmest sympathy, Don.

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