Pictures from Italy


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To Say It Out Loud~

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It's late.  Everyone else is asleep.  I should be in bed too as I've been so bone tired and worn down.  But I can't sleep with all these thoughts and worries whirling through my head.  And as much as I want to sleep,  I also need to say what's bothering me out loud. I feel I need to out myself, to express myself because there's this part of me that is not being expressed or acknowledged or shown. And I am tired of holding it in, of saying nothing because every night I stumble to my bed heavy with exhaustion and a brain that hurts, too tired to sit down and write what I know needs to be written. 

For at least 3 weeks now, I have struggled with a strange anger and sadness and guilt and, I think, depression. I think I may be in a depression because I have cried everyday for at least three weeks. Crying is not unusual for me as I cry when I feel overwhelmed, angry, or tired. But the fact that I have yelled at my kids and cried at least once everyday for the last 3 weeks…
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With Hope ~

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Here I am at Liam's school, listening to the kids giggle and play and watching them as they run by. Liam and Lila are blurs running in the sun. It's beautiful outside, and I can finally feel the shift in the weather stretching into the day. I am relieved by this break in the heat and this subtle shift in seasons.

I wish I could go for a walk, but I am here and at least I am outside, and at least I am trying. Trying for what, I do not know. Really, I think I come and stay in the hopes that today will be better, that today will be different.

Unfortunately, though, things are the same from day to day as I am still spending everyday here at school with the kids. And everyday is still a struggle as far as getting to school is concerned. And I am tired and frustrated with this mess and with trying to do what I think is right. It's a confusing mix of: keep trying and just let it go. I cannot decide what the hell to do because of my hope that this could work out.

And then there …
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Bricks and Mortar

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Just a note: I started this post a week or two ago and have been sitting on it.  Today, I was able to add to it and finish it. Read on.
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I don't have lot of time to write as I only have a small window of time to call my own.  I will get down what I can in the hopes that this will release some of the weight I feel.

I feel tender and heavy, sad, mad and unclear today after our meeting with our therapist yesterday afternoon.  We met with our therapist yesterday to go over the results of the assessment forms that I filled out for me and Liam. I was not surprised by the results but am not happy about them all the same.

As far as Liam's assessment results go we are looking at: depression, anxiety, oppositional defiance disorder, some obsessive compulsive tendencies, and sensory issues. I feel like a ton of bricks were just placed in my lap, and they feel heavy and cumbersome. That information, all thos…
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