Breathe in, Breathe out~
It's late. I should be in bed but am feeling the need for some solitude. It took a long time to get Liam to sleep tonight, so I got out of his room around 9:45. I feel drained. I love to hang out with my monkey reading him books and cuddling, but I also need time for myself to just do whatever it is I fancy doing. Anyway, I am tired and want to sleep but don't feel ready to crawl into bed just yet.
I have a lot on my mind these days and it feels like I am in some sort of time warp. For example, I was out of town just over 2 weeks ago and it feels like much longer, like it has been years not weeks. I am not sure why that is or how that is, it just is. On my mind are thoughts about my family, the direction I am going in my life, teaching and practice and whatever else it is that will bring more joy and balance into my life. I have these moments where I am so clear on what I want and what I am focused on and then my clarity turns to confusion.
Some days I wake up feeling as though I have somehow lost my direction. I don't know if the miscarriage has anything to do with my feeling turned around or not but maybe it does. I don't know. At least when I was pregnant, I knew what to focus on and knew what was coming to a certain degree. Now, I am in this place of just practicing taking each moment as it comes. And believe me this is not something that comes naturally for me. Breathing in each moment and sitting with the sounds and sensations and contemplations is a practice for sure! Breathing through the challenging moments of raising a sensitive 3 year old when I am sensitive too takes constant vigilance on my part. And, frankly, some days I've got it and other days I don't.
Also on my mind and in my head is this notion that I should be further along in my practice or in teaching or in the certification process than I am. I may be further along than I think but my mind doesn't seem to want to go there. It's like there is some glue on my brain that these old, random beliefs or thoughts are stuck to, and I need to figure out a way to unglue myself. It's like sometimes I don't even see who I am. I feel me, I see me, I think I know me, but sometimes I don't really see the me that other's say they see.
I know that I am rambling and this may make no sense at all but, oftentimes, my meandering and writing of words shows me something I need to see. So I write to figure it out or to at least see a pattern. What is coming clear is that I need to change my view and thinking of myself. I need to shift my perspective on a few things. To add to that, I need to trust my intuition and inner guidance more fully. I think I get hung up on the world's idea of how things should be done when I don't feel inclined to run along those lines at all.
I know that life is vast and swift and moving and am aware that I must ride the waves as they rise and fall. Sometimes, though, I just want to float, to be still, to not think at all. Maybe that's just it. I think I have to do something to get to some place that I don't even know that it is I want to be except for this ache in my heart that is asking for more. The longing leads me on.
Maybe all I have to do for now is rest on my back, close my eyes, float, feel the rhythm and trust that I will be carried to where I need to be. And when the time arise for me to paddle, to move, to work, I will know. I will work. For now, I feel the need to sit with my eyes closed and breathe in and breathe out and simply allow for the discomfort to dissipate.
Breathe Deep,
Marcia
I have a lot on my mind these days and it feels like I am in some sort of time warp. For example, I was out of town just over 2 weeks ago and it feels like much longer, like it has been years not weeks. I am not sure why that is or how that is, it just is. On my mind are thoughts about my family, the direction I am going in my life, teaching and practice and whatever else it is that will bring more joy and balance into my life. I have these moments where I am so clear on what I want and what I am focused on and then my clarity turns to confusion.
Some days I wake up feeling as though I have somehow lost my direction. I don't know if the miscarriage has anything to do with my feeling turned around or not but maybe it does. I don't know. At least when I was pregnant, I knew what to focus on and knew what was coming to a certain degree. Now, I am in this place of just practicing taking each moment as it comes. And believe me this is not something that comes naturally for me. Breathing in each moment and sitting with the sounds and sensations and contemplations is a practice for sure! Breathing through the challenging moments of raising a sensitive 3 year old when I am sensitive too takes constant vigilance on my part. And, frankly, some days I've got it and other days I don't.
Also on my mind and in my head is this notion that I should be further along in my practice or in teaching or in the certification process than I am. I may be further along than I think but my mind doesn't seem to want to go there. It's like there is some glue on my brain that these old, random beliefs or thoughts are stuck to, and I need to figure out a way to unglue myself. It's like sometimes I don't even see who I am. I feel me, I see me, I think I know me, but sometimes I don't really see the me that other's say they see.
I know that I am rambling and this may make no sense at all but, oftentimes, my meandering and writing of words shows me something I need to see. So I write to figure it out or to at least see a pattern. What is coming clear is that I need to change my view and thinking of myself. I need to shift my perspective on a few things. To add to that, I need to trust my intuition and inner guidance more fully. I think I get hung up on the world's idea of how things should be done when I don't feel inclined to run along those lines at all.
I know that life is vast and swift and moving and am aware that I must ride the waves as they rise and fall. Sometimes, though, I just want to float, to be still, to not think at all. Maybe that's just it. I think I have to do something to get to some place that I don't even know that it is I want to be except for this ache in my heart that is asking for more. The longing leads me on.
Maybe all I have to do for now is rest on my back, close my eyes, float, feel the rhythm and trust that I will be carried to where I need to be. And when the time arise for me to paddle, to move, to work, I will know. I will work. For now, I feel the need to sit with my eyes closed and breathe in and breathe out and simply allow for the discomfort to dissipate.
Breathe Deep,
Marcia
Marcia, I say much too often that I wish we lived geographically closer!
ReplyDeleteI hear what you are saying about trying to be present and happy with where I am right now... today.
I was just listening to Pathos yesterday and this particular line hit me.
"Seems like we travel very far, just to find we aren't going anywhere, but to be..."
James Martin, Pathos
I forget sometimes to just let my life flow. I'm sorry you are struggling. It sounds like you need a hug, I wish I could give you one. I'll just send you some loving warm light ok? : )
Take care and just breath. Thinking of you.
Hi Ruth~
ReplyDeleteI sure we lived closer too. Thanks for your sweet and supportive message. I am doing well just in that 'weird' place. I love the quote you shared. It is perfect. You are the best! I hope all is well for you and your beautiful family.
Thinking of you and sending Love and Light your way,
Marcia