Resetting My Mind One Minute at a Time~

Okay.... so this morning I am writing to get some clarity and to get my mind free. For some reason, whenever I write about what is on my mind and in my heart, I feel better. My mind gets a rest and writing these things down helps me stop the negative loop. By the end, my heart feels a whole lot lighter. Thank goodness for that!
Last night was not good. It wasn't all bad either, though. The highlight of my evening was meeting a girlfriend for dinner. In fact, that was only the second time in 2 1/2 years that I have gone out on my own to meet with a girl friend. As is obvious, I don't get out much. Of course, this is another story altogether...
Back to reason I am writing and the subject on which I wish to write about. Last night I had a friend and fellow yoga teacher attend my class and, well, it was not my best class. In fact, I felt it was pretty terrible. I wasn't myself all because I had a peer in class. This bothers me because this is not the first time having a fellow teacher in class has thrown me, and this upsets me because I know I am not being me and am not sharing or showing what I am truly capable of. It is almost as if I am shrinking myself in the moment. I realize this is a habit that needs to be broken and changed if I am to move on to the next level.
I feel really emotional about this because I feel immensely disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen again. So, yes, I am disappointed but have not missed the point completely. I get that there is a great lesson to be learned from all this. What I discovered from this experience, as it unfolded in a way that was not to my liking, was a loss of connection between my heart and head and my habitual way of dealing with myself in such situations.
When my head and heart get disjoined in the moment, I have a hard time reconnecting and getting myself back together. I noticed that I get in my head but my mind is not clear and my focus gets really scattered. It is almost as if my brain shorts out and I forget what I was gonna teach, like the sequence or the focus of the class. Then, I go into this weird emotional place of worry of not teaching well or of not being good enough on some level and things don't turn out as well as I'd like or as well as I had hoped they would. You get the idea. Anyway, I did sort of manage to pull it together and used the moment to learn from and was able to be really honest.
My word of the night was expectation. I began with the idea that there is no expectation that those who attend yoga need to come in knowing how to do yoga, nor is there an expectation that you must have certain amount of flexibility or ability in your body because that is why we come to the practice... to learn as we go. Then I shared that I did hope that they could at least anticipate having a good time. The theme ran along that line...
Anyway, by the close of class, I did share that I have always been someone who has had high expectations of myself and from experience I have learned that when my expectations are high I always fall short. Expectations of myself often leave me feeling like I am lacking something and I feel disappointed. If instead I/we can pause, breathe, open to the experience and just do our best in the moment than all will unfold effortlessly and we will leave feeling good, satisfied, happy. I don't know that I said this in these exact words but it was something like that. I think by the end of class I was back in my heart and in a much softer more together place so am grateful for that.
I know all these dense moments are really helping me to grow and better myself and my skills and I appreciate that. However, at this point, 6 years of teaching later, I would just like to get it already!
The positive spin on all this is that I am able to be aware of what is going on with me when this strange flip thing happens. However, I am left feeling like I don't know what to do about this situation or how to transform it. How do I break this pattern and free myself up to be myself no matter who shows up to class? Will this eventually change on it's own or do I need to get some help with this? Does anyone have any wisdom they would like to share with me?
At this moment, I feel like I just need to give myself a break and a lot of love. Today, I will get my hair done and am looking forward to doing nothing and being pampered. After sharing this, I do feel a great sense of relief. Writing is such great therapy and there is great magic in the words that flow from the heart. I do love how writing helps me get answers to my questions and allows me to be bare, honest and real.
Resetting my mind a minute at a time,
Marcia

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