Sunday, December 27, 2009

Back Again

It's official, it is the last week of this year and all feels good. Yes, I am feeling much better and am glad things are on the up swing. Liam is finally feeling better and is nearly over his cold as of yesterday. We are all getting more sleep and feeling more like ourselves.
This last week has been good. A lot of time spent with my family and some time spent with Jason's family. Christmas was pretty laid back. We did not go crazy and enjoyed the process of finding, buying, wrapping and giving of gifts. I think Christmas day Rocked. Liam was happy and think he really enjoyed himself.
My sister leaves for Denver tomorrow. During her visit this time, we managed to get in two long walks together and spend some quality time with each other. This was a good visit. Tonight, Liam is having a sleepover with his Jay-ja, Papa and Auntie G. Jason and I get a night to ourselves and a full night's sleep, which is a treat for us.
So back to it...
I will spend this week looking over the past year to appreciate all of my accomplishments both big and small and look to see if I held to my intention for this year. What have I managed to manifest this year. What were some of the most memorable moments of this past year. It is a good time to hit rewind and have a look back. I think taking the time to appreciate and acknowledge the good stuff will help me to get clear on what sort of intention I would like to set for the year to come. I want to be clear. I want to be focused. I want to be determined. Yet, I want to be open to whatever comes my way 'cause I don't always know what's coming next.
I suppose this is all for now. No big plans other than to enjoy this last week. Hope it's a good week for all.
Until next time,

Saturday, December 19, 2009


I am feeling pretty exhausted this morning after another night of Liam waking and crying and fighting going back to sleep. In all fairness, he has been sick. It first began with an upper respiratory cold which then turned into an ear infection in both ears. Needles to say this last week and half has been a bit draining. I feel grumpy and worn out.
Something that I have noticed about myself is that when I don't get enough sleep or time for myself to take care of my own needs, I get blue and the negative thoughts that spin round in my head are pretty relentless. As is obvious, I am really feeling it this morning. I get tired of being needed. Of course, when the little ones are sick or not feeling well, all they want is Mama. I realize it is my job to be present and do what I can and I do. However, I don't wake feeling any better. Don't get me wrong or misunderstand, I love my little Liam and am grateful for my sweet boy. Sometimes, though, I feel clueless as a parent. I feel I do a lot of things wrong even though I am trying really hard to do this right and well and in a conscious way.
In all honesty, I just want to stay in bed with the covers over my head and sleep all day. But alas, my life doesn't allow that and am feeling a bit resentful. It's unbelievable how much such challenges can strain a relationship and wreak havoc on my confidence. Where is the ease, the love, the fun? Am I the only one who finds parenting so difficult sometimes? I feel like being a mom consumes so much of my energy and time that I have to dig into the reserves, and the reserves are dwindling if not already gone, in order to do other things like teach or connect with another human being other than my immediate family. Hence, the reason I don't really have any friendships outside of family.
Obviously, I have way to much on my mind and these thoughts are not light. I question whether it is even appropriate to post this entry for others to read because I usually try to post things with a more positive, uplifting spin. But then I have to ask myself why I am doing this blog anyway and who is it for, really? I suppose it's a bit of both. Mostly writing things down and out helps me process what I am going through and helps my tendencies or patterns become clear, so I can work with what is. If in the process, my words and sentiment are relatable and help someone else through their day, then, that is awesome, and I am grateful to share.
This brings me back to today. Today is what it is and if there is one thing I AM, it is that I AM honest. So here it is. My entry dripping with the sticky realness of it all. As it so happens, I am dabbling in and dealing with the darkness at the moment. What can I say, I am human... not super human. Maybe after a good cry and a shower I will be able to have another look at things and shift my thoughts and perspective to the lighter side.
Off I go to play in the rain, look for the shinning sun and begin again.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Stoking the fire in the heart~

It's hard to believe it's the final month of the year. As usual, I've had a head full of thoughts and have been unsure of where to begin or how to pour it out. So let's just begin...
Christmas is only 17 days away! It doesn't feel like Christmas but am not sure what that means, really. I feel the need to add a little Holiday cheer to our home. Putting our tree up would be good start and am sure Liam will love the lights and change.
Anyway, on my drive home from class this evening, I was trying to wrap my head around the idea that another year has come and is nearly gone. This year went fast. Like sand that runs through your hands through the space between your fingers. Hard to hold onto time and keep all the good things in mind. Sweet moments to remember and bad days that are better forgotten but both are useful all the same.
Naturally, the time feels right to look back over this past year and see how far I've come and time to look ahead at what's next. Even as I steady my gaze between the two points of what is done and what is yet to come, I want to enjoy every minute of what is left.
Truthfully, I don't feel overly hopeful about the new year or sad about this year coming to a close but am just sort of going with it. It feels good to be more even emotionally. I know what is coming will be good so no need to worry. And, really, I am just in a more contemplative space. Pondering the lessons and internal changes over the last year.
In fact, as I was at the studio this evening, some of the students here in Tucson for phase 3 of the immersion arrived. It got me to thinking about last year around this time as that is when I attended phase 2 with Darren and Christina. Deciding to attend the immersion with those two was a really good choice and helped me grow in so many ways. A part of me feels a tinge of longing to be in it this week with the hardy, hopeful souls who have come to work and play and grow.
Instead, I will look over my experience with a smile on my face and take in a new lesson from a time not so long ago. The lesson that stands out to me this evening and the theme that I used for Sunday's class was something that Paul Muller-Ortega said, " We are ushered into our Greatness. Whether or not we walk inside is up to us." Further along those lines he pointed out that this whole life, this outer level of experience, is all about leading us back inside. We are always getting subtle and not so subtle messages from the Divine and it is easy to miss them. So it is up to us to pay attention, to listen, to trust that inner voice and believe in that deep place of knowing.
My seed message or the repeating theme for me over this past year is this: Listen, listen, listen! Listen deeply. Do what you are guided to do by following the longing in your heart. Feel the pull and go there. The Spark Is there. Now, feed the creative fire and let the light burn through the flesh. Let whatever is dying to come out be visible, tangible, useful. Reveal yourself. Share your gifts and trust the process to the depths.
Keep going,