Looking back in order to move forward

St Patrick's day marks the beginning of my new year because it is the first day following my birthday.  I think it is natural that as I celebrate another year older I also celebrate another year of lessons learned.  Every year around this time,  I look back over the road I have traveled so that I can asses from where I have come and know which way I will choose to go.  
The last year has been full of challenges and change.  When I first arrived to Tucson, I felt misplaced and bewildered by the move.  In those first few months I felt a lot of anger and sadness. Many times I wondered what I was doing here and was having a hard time understanding the highest reason or purpose of my family's trek here.  I knew we came for Jason's work and to be closer to family, but, at the time, that was not enough for me.  I missed my studio and the little Colorado Springs Kula that was created during my time there.  I missed what I thought I had  a hold of and I really wanted things not to change for a little while.  Things were good and we, Jason, Liam and I, had hit our stride.
It seems, though, that the wheel of life keeps on turning and so I have finally made it around and am moving with the wheel instead of fighting against it or trying to keep it still.   Life is ever changing.  Nothing stays the same.  The thing is, my life has been full this, full of change and right when I get to feeling a little rooted, a little settled.  I suppose there is a reason for this, some big lesson I should know or get by know by now.  Some days I think I get it and other days not at all.  Right now my understanding of all this movement is that I am being tested.  Am I in the flow? Am I ready to grow?  I think that being in the flow and growth go hand in hand.  
The good news is and the answer to the question above is that I have grown.  I feel I have grown in many directions all at once.  In fact, I have a better understanding as to why I am here. The best way to say it is that I am here to become more of who I am meant to be and, ultimately already am.  
The challenges I have come in close contact with over the last year or so have been pushing me to go deeper.  I have spent a lot of time alone and have been quite introverted all because I needed to understand what I needed to do to make the changes necessary to find my happiness and really create a life of balance for me and my family.  Even all the subbing I have done over the past year, albeit quite hard on many levels, has pushed me to get better and to be more loving and supportive of myself.  It has also taught me how important it is for Me to simply be Me.  Authenticity is key!
I can only offer from my heart what I know is true and real for me.  I may not have been here long but I have been a lot of other places over the years, which means I have something unique to offer.  The beauty is in the difference.  Sometimes the wind blows and in comes spring, in comes the newness with the breeze and the fragrance is fresh and sweet.  We all need a little of that.
I guess what I am getting at is that I am really starting to appreciate myself and my gifts and trusting that I what I have to offer is perfect and needed and honest.  The more I let myself open, the easier it is to share what I often hide.  I am letting others in on my big secret.  
I am at a point of refinement and real appreciation for all the lessons along the way. Sometimes I don't want to go in the direction my life is headed because I am enjoying where I am at.  So I stall, I wait, and resist the movement but I always catch up.   I am someone who has to mourn moments that are special to me.  I need time to really take things in so that I remember those moments when a shift happened, when someone or something changed or touched me and my life in such a way.  I don't want to forget.  I know these things will help me to help others.  
This is why my birthday is such a special time.  So much can happen in a year. 
Speaking of... I am here in Tucson and slowly but surely becoming part of the community.  It takes time to really make long lasting connections and build friendships.  I am hopeful and am sure great things await me and my family. Little by little, moment by moment, things come full circle and I am here.
Blessing of healing and Peace for us all,
Marcia

Comments

  1. thamesarinoMarch 18, 2009 at 7:11 AM

    hey Marcia! I know what you mean about wanting things to remain the same.. but life just doesn't work that way... I find myself in the struggle of finding daily balance as well... and somedays are much better than others! I think that you are doing a great job! It takes a little while to get your footing but once you do.. you are off and running! You sound like you are in a much better place than you were a year ago...and I think that is awesome. I'm glad that you are accepting your new environment! as always, love love love : )

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