Thursday, June 19, 2014

Beauty in the Breakdown

I once heard Maya Angelou say something like: "everyone always talks about the beauty of the butterfly, but no one ever talks about what it took for the butterfly to get that way." I may have heard her say something along that line on one of Oprah's Masterclass series.

That particular quote, which is not exact, has stayed with me for the last few weeks.  How easily we forget that true transformation is a breaking apart, a falling apart of sorts.  And the break down is rarely pretty, and is in fact quite messy.

I certainly feel as though I am in the fall apart phase of change.  The last week has been really hard and uncomfortable and unpleasant to say the least.  I have had moments where I have felt full of regret over leaving what we had built up behind.  I have questioned whether our choice to move here was a good idea as the starting over feels so hard, and, really, we had so much good around us.  I have not felt clear or inspired in the least lately, and mostly because I have felt so overwhelmed by all of it.

All this just tells me that I am feeling the fear of uncertainty.  And let's face it, uncertainty is uncomfortable.  It is for me anyway.  As I try to just let myself feel what I am feeling, cry when I need to, feel mad when I need to, or whatever way I happen to be,  I find that the feelings move like waves. The feeling surfaces and curls and rises and crashes and then softens back to where is rose up from. And, then, everything is okay again.

For now, it feels like my stormy fear and sadness and such has settled down. This is a relief.  I have to remind myself daily that this is just the beginning and I need to be patient. I have to remind myself that I cannot see the big picture so have to take this all in stride, one moment at a time, one day at a time.  I have to remind myself that it takes time to make a house into a home, and it takes time to let go and let life unfold.  I have to remind myself that things will look and feel different as time rolls on.

When I think back to all the times I have moved in my life, I do recall that I've always had a hard time at the start and felt the loss of what I've left behind.  Nothing is gone.  The people and the places I love in and about Tucson are still there. What a sweet reminder that is.  I can visit and will.  This is another sweet reality.  So, everything is gonna be okay. This would be a good place to cue Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds".

Anyways, to make sure that I stay with the rolling, changing tide, instead of getting sucked down in it,  I have to keep to my practices. I have to keep to my practices so that I can process things as they come up with a more level head and a steady, strong heart.

So what are the practices that keep me sane?  They are as follows: writing in my journal, or writing in any form, walking outside, making an effort to take in and notice all the beauty around me (the mountains, the trees, the color green in the leaves and grass and even the weeds), getting on my yoga mat to practice, getting out of the house, and reaching out to friends and family.  These are all things that help me stay sane and pull me out of the darkness I sometimes feel.

In the meantime, in this ever moving process of change, all I can do is have Faith in the higher reason we chose Flagstaff to begin with,  make a conscious choice each day to work on my attitude, getting our house together, getting to know this place again, and give this change a chance to happen.  I have to allow time for this new life to morph into something meaningful and beautiful.



Wednesday, June 11, 2014

6 Years and 7 Months~

A lot can happen in a month, and a lot has happened.  The move over the last month has been intense to say the least. And, as I sit in our new house in Flagstaff,  I feel rather out of sorts.  I would even go so far as to say I feel a bit stunned and am in a state of disbelief.  I keep asking myself, "did that just happen?"

Yesterday, I felt immense sadness as I said goodbye-for-now to my Mom and Dad.  I will miss being so near to my Mom and Dad.  We have spent the last 6 years seeing each other every week and often times more than once.  I probably saw my mom every other day the whole time.  Yup,  I love my mom and am very close with her and miss her a whole lot right now. I miss them both a lot right now.  I know, with time, I will adjust.  We all will adjust.  The good news is that right now both kids seem to be doing pretty well.  For that,  I am grateful.  Jason is pressing on and is fine per usual.  It takes me a little more time to absorb my experiences and then am ready to move on.

 What I can tell you is that the last three weeks have been totally overwhelming and have to say the move was so much harder than I thought it would be.  I swear that seems to be true about so many things in my life.  I never know what I am truly in for, and that is probably a good thing because I would not do these things otherwise.

At this point, we still have a lot of unpacking and setting up to do.  I have to remind myself that it doesn't have to be done in a day or a week or a month.  I just have to do a little something everyday.  And, little by little, this house will start to feel like a home.

Right now,  I think I'm just trying to process everything that has just happened.  It's as if it's a time of understanding what the last 6 years and 7 months have meant and been about for me, for us.  Funny how things always come clear at the end.  The whole time leading up to that there are questions, but not a lot of answers. For a long time, I felt like I did not know why life had led us to Tucson.

What I  know now is that a big part of our time in Tucson was about family and having our kids form a close bond with their grandparents. What I know now is that  my time at YO and in Tucson offered me so much room to learn and grow and find my own way. And I did not have that at the start.  All I knew when I first arrived in Tucson in 2007 and started subbing, and eventually teaching, at YO was that what I offered was different.  I didn't really know my way yet.  Over time, I found my way through mistakes, stumbles, missteps, and having the courage to show up every week with my best.  Also, I would say that having Faith in my ability to figure things out helped a lot with my growth process.  Maybe that's it...

Maybe the biggest blessing and lesson has to do with all the moments of uncertainty and doubt and momentary freak outs.  Maybe this whole time has been about me learning to love myself through the mess ups and imperfections, and showing up anyway with a sincere desire to learn and be of service.  And maybe the art of teaching has more to do with living what you teach instead of being a perfect teacher. Maybe it's about loving my best and letting go of the rest because let's face it, every day or every class can't be Great. Mistakes will be made. This is life. And I am grateful for so much.

I cannot thank Rachel, Bronwin, Darren, and all my students over the years enough for all they have done and continue to do.  As my final two weeks were coming to a close at YogaOasis,  I was showered with great love and blessings. It was a super emotional time. I think it was emotional because I was so aware of all the good around me.  I was conscious of my blessings so to speak. And feeling such gratitude is a gift.  I sure wish I could bring it all with me, the people and parts of the place that I came to love. But alas, this is not possible. What I can do, however, is cherish my experiences and time there in Tucson, and take all that I've learned with me.  I can keep the lessons and the love and the people close to my heart.

So that is what I will do, be thankful for it all and remember that blessings are always hidden in the middle.

With Love and a Heart full of Thanks,