Friday, April 24, 2009

Using what you've got and Trusting what you know...

I have experienced a lot of ups and downs this week,  moments of fogginess and clarity, feelings of worthiness and unworthiness.   The Spanda, the Universal pulsation, is evident and ever present.  
On Tuesday evening after class, I felt tired and like the class was hard work.  I was a little surprised and bummed by the challenge of it simply because I wanted it to be a little smoother.  However, it probably wasn't as bad as I thought it was.  It was certainly a mixed bunch.  I had returning students, brand new students and those with some physical and visual challenges.  In general, it just felt like the students were in a funny place, like everyone was having a hard time being there, listening, and understanding.  It felt like the heat had sucked the life out of folks and the heaviness of the heat made everyone lethargic and dull.  I think by the end it turned out okay but I didn't leave feeling that way.... I think it just happens that way sometimes and I am learning to roll with it and learning to let it go.
The next morning, Wednesday, I went to teach a class at Anjali and it went quite differently.  Of course, I only had one sweet soul come but it was a really good experience for us both.  I began by asking her what she would like to work on or what she would like to have a better understanding of as far as the practice was concerned.  I found out this student has MS and has been living with MS for over 20 years.  We worked on balance per her request.  During that hour and half of working together I saw her experience of certain balancing poses shift.  She went from a place of frustration to elation.  I gave her a few suggestions to help and those minor adjustments that she made changed her experience of the pose.  I could see on her face a sincere look of surprise and of delight at having just done a certain pose in a way she did not think was possible for her to do the pose or poses.  It really was  a lovely opportunity for me to not only learn from her how I could best help but also a gift to share in that shift.  
I left that class on Wednesday morning feeling quite happy and grateful for that opportunity to work one on one with a student.  I left class feeling that I was able to really help and that just trusting the knowledge that I do have and trusting my intuition can go a long way toward helping someone feel better in their body, mind and heart.  Ultimately, I think we both left feeling better about who we are, where we are at, and what we have to offer.  
Tucson is full of great teachers and with individuals who have many years of experience and, truthfully, sometimes this can be intimidating and overwhelming for me.  I think I am just scratching the surface.   I love that there is so much to learn because I thrive on that.  Working with that student on Wednesday made me realize  that being a good teacher is not so much about how much you know or how many years you've put in but about how well you relate to others and about using what you know in a way that is truly helpful.  Of course, that is not to say that the years of time and experience aren't helpful because they are.  However, there is some ancient wisdom that lives within us all and it is possible to tap into that.  When we tap into that place of guidance and inner knowing, we are touching upon Grace or, maybe, Grace is touching us.  
Trust and Understanding,

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Good Stuff...

April 10, 2009~
A couple of months back I decided to create a facebook profile because a dear friend continued to insist I do so.  I resisted for a while because I was doing just fine with email.  Clearly, I didn't know what I was missing.  Anyway, since my profile was established it has turned into something quite wonderful.  I am so glad I did join the facebook community because I love it.
 I have been in contact with so many people I didn't think I'd see, let alone hear from again.   I've rekindled my friendship with a dear friend I've known since I was 13 and living in Stuttgart Germany, reconnected with a friend from my high school days who has blossomed into the artist he was always meant to be, and am getting to know new friends better across the Internet lines.  I am quite thrilled by all this and, in some weird way, I feel like I hang out with a friend everyday in this way.  In fact, I am one of those folks who visits daily and, often, more than once.  I guess you could say I am hooked and love the link to the world and the ability to keep in touch with those whom I appreciate and adore.  
Of course, when I cross paths with someone from the past, it brings back memories.  I reestablish my connection and am pulled back in time and the best part is that it's not as sad a thing as I thought it might be.   
For example,  an old friend posted some black and white photographs that contained images of myself and others from 15 years ago. I find it hard to believe that 15 years have passed and can see how much time changes things. I can see how much I've changed.  Of course, it is obvious that over time things will change because that is the natural way of things.
The point is that when I reflect back over certain phases in my life, I feel that my perception of that time has changed too.   Even those dense, hard, sorrow-filled moments in my life aren't so heavy and dark anymore.  I am kind of amazed at the fact that most of  my memories are more full of the good stuff and good times than of the bad.  I am not sure when or how that happened or even if that is something that happens. Maybe I choose to remember the good stuff rather than the bad.  
What do my memories and choices say of my evolution?  I suppose both say a lot and that I have come a long way.  I love that I can look back without crying or feeling sad.  Instead, it's more like my look back is one of curiosity or wonder.  It is almost as if I question whether that time in my life actually happened.  Yes, the good and the bad are all rolled into one and the view and feel is more even.  It's like I finally get the importance of each experience and that there is no evolution without experience.  
I am thankful for it all.  I am thankful for the moments when I am and have been inspired.  I am thankful for all the people who I have met along the way.  I am thankful for the times when my heart hurt and I was an absolute mess.  I am thankful for those times when I fell to pieces because that gave me the opportunity to create a new version of me.  I got to look at the pile of me on the floor and decide how to put it all back together.  That is the real gift.  Those messy, painful moments were more valuable than I could know.  Who knew I would recall those times with such reverence, sweetness and appreciation.  Who knew that all the tears would lead to a river of joy that rushes within me.  I certainly did not.  But now I do.  
Here's to the good stuff hidden in the muck!
Love and Light,

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Too Much on My Mind...

April 1, 2009~
I woke this morning still holding a head full of thoughts.  My mind was unfocused and on to many things all at once.  I spent some time at B-Line cafe this morning writing to try to put some of these thoughts somewhere other than just in my head because this usually helps. 
But... There I sat thinking about last night's class, the strange dreams I had, this special day, my 9-year anniversary with Jason, and weaning my son.  I find that I tend to linger a bit on things. 
For example,  I am glad that Liam and I are working toward weaning and that shift in our relationship but feel a little sad too.  It's a strange bitter, sweet change.  Those moments when I sit and hold him at breast are so tender and special.  It really is hard to put into words that feeling I have when I hold him near and he gazes up at me and me down at him. It is hard to believe he is getting so big and that this phase will soon pass. I want to remember this time as vividly as I can and really breathe in every moment. 
As for the rest of the things that have been on my mind, they seem to have faded and settled into the background.  On some level I know I am in a place and time of refinement. Refinement of myself,  my life, my practice and my teaching.  Keeping that in mind helps me to let go of trying to figure everything out right now and just allow the shape of my soul to be shown over time.  
I am tired and in need of rest.  Rest for my body, my mind and heart.  I hope my dreams tonight are as interesting and informative as last night's were. 
Sweet Dreams,