Sunday, March 29, 2009

Observing the River and the Way the Water Flows

March 29, 2009
It's been a few days since my last blog.  I feel the last few days have been mixed but full.  Oh, and little challenging too.  Of course, that is the way the river flows, and so I flow over rocks, under bridges, in the light and in the dark guided and held by the shore.  The steady banks of the river lead me on.  
Over the last few days,  I have been thinking about this blog and my life and how it tends toward the yogic side of things, which is appropriate considering that is the life I desire to lead.  However,  I feel it necessary to include the other side of things, the family side of things since that is also part of my life.  One side of the river is held by my family and the other by the practice and both are held steady and guided by Grace so that I stay on the path.
On days when I am feeling like I am uncontained and all over the place, it is nice to know that I have the support of my family, the support of my practice, and the support of the Kula holding me together, containing my soft, sometimes watery edges.
Learning to watch and understand the way of the river.  Learning to travel the path of least resistance.  I am grateful for my family,  the practice, the Kula and the support of Spirit.  

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Looking back in order to move forward

St Patrick's day marks the beginning of my new year because it is the first day following my birthday.  I think it is natural that as I celebrate another year older I also celebrate another year of lessons learned.  Every year around this time,  I look back over the road I have traveled so that I can asses from where I have come and know which way I will choose to go.  
The last year has been full of challenges and change.  When I first arrived to Tucson, I felt misplaced and bewildered by the move.  In those first few months I felt a lot of anger and sadness. Many times I wondered what I was doing here and was having a hard time understanding the highest reason or purpose of my family's trek here.  I knew we came for Jason's work and to be closer to family, but, at the time, that was not enough for me.  I missed my studio and the little Colorado Springs Kula that was created during my time there.  I missed what I thought I had  a hold of and I really wanted things not to change for a little while.  Things were good and we, Jason, Liam and I, had hit our stride.
It seems, though, that the wheel of life keeps on turning and so I have finally made it around and am moving with the wheel instead of fighting against it or trying to keep it still.   Life is ever changing.  Nothing stays the same.  The thing is, my life has been full this, full of change and right when I get to feeling a little rooted, a little settled.  I suppose there is a reason for this, some big lesson I should know or get by know by now.  Some days I think I get it and other days not at all.  Right now my understanding of all this movement is that I am being tested.  Am I in the flow? Am I ready to grow?  I think that being in the flow and growth go hand in hand.  
The good news is and the answer to the question above is that I have grown.  I feel I have grown in many directions all at once.  In fact, I have a better understanding as to why I am here. The best way to say it is that I am here to become more of who I am meant to be and, ultimately already am.  
The challenges I have come in close contact with over the last year or so have been pushing me to go deeper.  I have spent a lot of time alone and have been quite introverted all because I needed to understand what I needed to do to make the changes necessary to find my happiness and really create a life of balance for me and my family.  Even all the subbing I have done over the past year, albeit quite hard on many levels, has pushed me to get better and to be more loving and supportive of myself.  It has also taught me how important it is for Me to simply be Me.  Authenticity is key!
I can only offer from my heart what I know is true and real for me.  I may not have been here long but I have been a lot of other places over the years, which means I have something unique to offer.  The beauty is in the difference.  Sometimes the wind blows and in comes spring, in comes the newness with the breeze and the fragrance is fresh and sweet.  We all need a little of that.
I guess what I am getting at is that I am really starting to appreciate myself and my gifts and trusting that I what I have to offer is perfect and needed and honest.  The more I let myself open, the easier it is to share what I often hide.  I am letting others in on my big secret.  
I am at a point of refinement and real appreciation for all the lessons along the way. Sometimes I don't want to go in the direction my life is headed because I am enjoying where I am at.  So I stall, I wait, and resist the movement but I always catch up.   I am someone who has to mourn moments that are special to me.  I need time to really take things in so that I remember those moments when a shift happened, when someone or something changed or touched me and my life in such a way.  I don't want to forget.  I know these things will help me to help others.  
This is why my birthday is such a special time.  So much can happen in a year. 
Speaking of... I am here in Tucson and slowly but surely becoming part of the community.  It takes time to really make long lasting connections and build friendships.  I am hopeful and am sure great things await me and my family. Little by little, moment by moment, things come full circle and I am here.
Blessing of healing and Peace for us all,

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Settling In...

Let me begin with this~
" If you have anything really valuable to contribute to the world it will come through the expression of your own personality, that single spark of divinity that sets you off and makes you different from every other living creature." (Bruce Barton)
I stumbled upon or was lead to this quote a couple years back and it is one of my favorites.  I have been sitting with this quote, thinking about it, reading and rereading it and sharing it with others.  I feel that part of what I came away with from my time with John last week is that it is so important to trust my experiences both on and off the mat and to absolutely trust my expression of my experiences.  I know that we are supposed to teach from our experience but I understand this in a deeper and truer way now than I did before.
When I arrived on the first day of the teacher training, I had those first-day-of-school butterflies.  I was excited and grateful to be there but a little nervous too.  On day two, the emotions rose to the surface along with some doubt.  Things always get stirred up for me at these events.  I see these moments more like a purifying process rather than a major pain in my ass. The fabulous part of this is that  I recognize how I am feeling and take note that there is still some cleaning to do, some shining on the mirror of my heart that must be done and gets done while in the process of learning and practicing.  
This Sunday following the end of the teacher training,  I felt different within and even while teaching.  This week, I feel good.  I feel new and fresh, pretty appropriate considering it is soon to be spring, and excited about where I am headed and how far I have come.  
This is why this quote has been so good to sit with.  I believe with my whole heart, body and soul that we all do contain within us that "single spark of divinity that sets us off and makes us different."   It is so important to remember the wonder and beauty of that special something that lies within us and that we have something of great value to offer to each other and the world.  
Even if you came into this world knowing your gifts or that thing or those things that set you off and make you different, you still have to figure out how to express those gifts.  If you don't have the first clue what your single spark of divinity is, you have to take the time to figure that out by investigating the range and depth of your own heart.  The beautiful thing is that it, that single spark,  is there.  Just knowing that opens things up and offers great hope to us all as we continue to discover the gems that lie within.  
With a Bright and Hopeful Heart,  

Thursday, March 5, 2009

A New Understanding... Another Opening.

March 6, 2009~
Today marked the conclusion of the teacher's intensive with John and he brought it full circle.  We reviewed what we went over.  We practiced and rejoiced in the opportunity to embody the principles and this experience in each asana.  John inspired us to express our individual beauty and essence in each pose fully but evenly.   In savasana, we were serenaded by Bronwin, which was a treat and has always led me to the sweetest and deepest of savasanas.  She has a way of carrying you away with her voice to some place familiar and beautiful.  John's closing was golden and touched us all at the core.  
I'd say the whole experience was...  What is the word?  I'm not sure I can explain this with just a word.  All I know is I feel different.  In combination with the immersions and now this training, I know I have been lifted to higher ground and feel that my inner landscape has changed. I am in new territory but not lost.  As I take in the view and engage my senses, I feel ready to explore this place I recognize but still need to get to know. I know that the lessons, the practice, the words and the meaning behind it all will continue to work on me and create even more openings and change as each day unfolds.  That thought both comforts and excites me.  
I am filled with gratitude for being able to attend and participate in the immersions and this teacher training.  I have learned something from every person I worked with and I consider that a blessing.  I am thankful for all my teachers and for their willingness to pass on what they have learned so that I too may be a better teacher and pass it on and pull others onto the path.   The more, the merrier the Merry Band will be!