It's late, I'm tired and I feel crummy. I really should be in bed but can't go to sleep with all this that's on my mind. I'll never rest well unless I get a bit of this out.
I have been wanting to write but have been putting it off in a way. I have been journaling daily, which is something I love to do, but have not been writing about one particular thing. I have had something on my mind, this coming and going sort of thought that I talk down or just sit with to see if it will subside, but, well, it doesn't or hasn't yet. I don't know if my ups and downs have to do simply with hormones or not, but wish I could just blame my state on that as it would be easier then really looking at my stuff.
And the truth is there is a lot of stuff coming up for me. I am sure due in part to the fact that I am undergoing serious changes inside and out. My body is changing, my life is changing, and I am changing. My practice is something new everyday and teaching gets more and more interesting as I grow along.
I have a lot on my mind such as the fact that we may be moving out of our house into another one in town somewhere, which is a big enough change at this stage in the pregnancy game as it is. We will move if we can't get an immediate and permanent modification on our loan. The next phase or question is: Will we be able to short sale on our house or will we need to foreclose and let it go? This is not an easy or light topic and well, this is big stuff. Yes, I feel stressed if I think about it all too much, so I try not to and just continue to do what I can to prepare myself for whatever is next.
Then, there is my whole yoga life and certification which is also always on my mind. I have been having these moments lately where I look around and see my Kula friends out there doing fun and amazing things and I feel sometimes like I am missing out. I realize that this is just one perspective and that I can flip it, so I do. It helps most of the time. I still, however, feel a desire to also be doing things like assisting, attending more workshops and classes and trainings, but the timing is just not right nor are our finances. Then I go to this place where I feel like I am not doing enough, which never feels good and never serves me. But even still I find myself in that place. And what it comes down to is that I have a family and another yoga life to attend to and to do both is challenging. This particular path that I am traveling is rough sometimes, but it is the one I chose.
I am not unhappy per se but I have my moments. I know I am fortunate in so many ways and I love my little family, so I want to be clear on that. I am in no way resentful or regretful about my choice to be a wife, a mother, a yogi, a daughter, a teacher, a human being walking in this world. I guess I just sometimes feel like life is asking a lot of me. And I guess I just happen to be one of those souls that is here to change and grow A LOT. So grow and learn A LOT is what I do. I must have lot of ground to cover before this particular run is over.
I suppose if I didn't have so much to learn, though, I wouldn't have much to teach. Lesson after lesson present themselves to me, and sometimes I get tired. I know that I have more to do in my life than to just be a mom but that aspect of my life is vital and alive and at the forefront right now. The truth is that the mom part is where I am getting schooled daily. And then throw in the married life practice and poof! there's a whole lot of learning going on. So the point of all this is that life is a great balancing act and currently I think I'm barely hanging on.
When I catch myself going to that place where I feel I am missing out and feel alone on my particular journey, I have to stop myself and make a serious effort to shift my perspective. But before that happens, most of the time I cry. Then, I have to stop myself and begin again and really look at and consider all the things that I am fortunate to have. Here are a few: big grey-blue eyes full of wonder and delight to look into, hugs full of the sweetest kind of love from my bright-eyed boy, the honor and privilege of holding the space for another soul to grow and thrive in, feeling that little soul move around inside me, being in touch with Spirit in such a deep way, family, having the chance to teach from a different place of experience, an amazing Kula, classes full of really wonderful people, and well there is plenty more for me to be grateful for. That is the point. Even when I miss it, someone or something helps me to remember the greatness all around me and the greatness within me, which I often times fail to see and know for myself.
In those moments when I need it most, I come across something beautiful. I came across this quote by Peter Marshall, "When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that Oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure." This has been my quote all week and the theme for my classes because this is where I am at. I am that someone who needs to be reminded. I need to remember that all this that I am going through is necessary work in order to uncover what it is that is hiding underneath and dying to be seen, to be felt, to be touched.
What can I say, I am a work in progress, a diamond in the making. My rough edges are sloughed away, and my radiance is revealed.
Refine, refine, refine,
Practice, practice, practice,