Saturday, February 26, 2011

A Diamond in the Making~

It's late, I'm tired and I feel crummy.  I really should be in bed but can't go to sleep with all this that's on my mind.  I'll never rest well unless I get a bit of this out.

I have been wanting to write but have been putting it off in a way.  I have been journaling daily, which is something I love to do, but have not been writing about one particular thing.  I have had something on my mind, this coming and going sort of thought that I talk down or just sit with to see if it will subside, but, well, it doesn't or hasn't yet.  I don't know if my ups and downs have to do simply with hormones or not, but wish I could just blame my state on that as it would be easier then really looking at my stuff.

And the truth is there is a lot of stuff coming up for me.  I am sure due in part to the fact that I am undergoing serious changes inside and out.  My body is changing, my life is changing, and I am changing.  My practice is something new everyday and teaching gets more and more interesting as I grow along.

I have a lot on my mind such as the fact that we may be moving out of our house into another one in town somewhere, which is a big enough change at this stage in the pregnancy game as it is.  We will move if we can't get an immediate and permanent modification on our loan.  The next phase or question is: Will we be able to short sale on our house or will we need to foreclose and let it go?  This is not an easy or light topic and well, this is big stuff.  Yes, I feel stressed if I think about it all too much, so I try not to and just continue to do what I can to prepare myself for whatever is next.

Then, there is my whole yoga life and certification which is also always on my mind.  I have been having these moments lately where I look around and see my Kula friends out there doing fun and amazing things and I feel sometimes like I am missing out.  I realize that this is just one perspective and that I can flip it,  so I do.  It helps most of the time.   I still, however, feel a desire to also be doing things like assisting, attending more workshops and classes and trainings, but the timing is just not right nor are our finances.   Then I go to this place where I feel like I am not doing enough, which never feels good and never serves me.  But even still I find myself in that place.  And what it comes down to is that I have a family and another yoga life to attend to and to do both is challenging.  This particular path that I am traveling is rough sometimes, but it is the one I chose.

I am not unhappy per se but I have my moments.  I know I am fortunate in so many ways and I love my little family, so I want to be clear on that.  I am in no way resentful or regretful about my choice to be a wife, a mother, a yogi, a daughter, a teacher, a human being walking in this world.   I guess I just sometimes feel like life is asking a lot of me.  And I guess I just happen to be one of those souls that is here to change and grow A LOT.  So grow and learn A LOT is what I do.  I must have lot of ground to cover before this particular run is over.

I suppose if I didn't have so much to learn, though, I wouldn't have much to teach.  Lesson after lesson present themselves to me, and sometimes I get tired.  I know that I have more to do in my life than to just be a mom but that aspect of my life is vital and alive and at the forefront right now.  The truth is that the mom part is where I am getting schooled daily.  And then throw in the married life practice and poof! there's a whole lot of learning going on.  So the point of all this is that life is a great balancing act and currently I think I'm barely hanging on.

When I catch myself going to that place where I feel I am missing out and feel alone on my particular journey,  I have to stop myself and make a serious effort to shift my perspective.  But before that happens, most of the time I cry. Then, I have to stop myself and begin again and really look at and consider all the things that I am fortunate to have.  Here are a few:  big grey-blue eyes full of wonder and delight to look into,  hugs full of the sweetest kind of love from my bright-eyed boy, the honor and privilege of holding the space for another soul to grow and thrive in, feeling that little soul move around inside me, being in touch with Spirit in such a deep way, family, having the chance to teach from a different place of experience, an amazing Kula, classes full of really wonderful people, and well there is plenty more for me to be grateful for.  That is the point.  Even when I miss it,  someone or something helps me to remember the greatness all around me and the greatness within me, which I often times fail to see and know for myself.

In those moments when I need it most,  I come across something beautiful.  I came across this quote by  Peter Marshall,  "When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that Oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."  This has been my quote all week and the theme for my classes because this is where I am at.   I am that someone who needs to be reminded.  I need to remember that all this that I am going through is necessary work in order to uncover what it is that is hiding underneath and dying to be seen, to be felt, to be touched.

What can I say,  I am a work in progress, a diamond in the making.  My rough edges are sloughed away, and my radiance is revealed.

 Refine, refine, refine,
Practice, practice, practice,


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Over the Moon~

Yes, it's true that I am over the moon with joy.  My intuition was validated yesterday at the fetal echo ultrasound when Jason and I found out that our little baby is a girl and she's healthy.  I have felt that this baby I'm carrying is a little girl since the start. I think she is speaking to me and sharing a lot about herself with me already.  I think of her, and I think of birds and lightheartedness and joy.  She must be a happy soul.

Mostly,  I am deeply grateful for this gift and experience.  I am excited to meet this little person, to see her and hold her.   I am in no rush, though, because I am so enjoying being pregnant.  I want to embrace every moment of this experience because this will be my last pregnancy and it is a miraculous and wonderful event.

It really feels to me that things in life have shifted for us,  for me and my family that is.  It feels like things have gone from really intense and difficult to light and easy.  I feel that this all happened following the last push of the eviction process of our tenant.  As difficult as that week in Colorado was,  it was also oddly empowering for me.  I felt that I was able to really get creative about and with the situation and make things happen on my own.  The best part is that I felt I had it within me to change the situation regardless of whether or not I had help from the courts or the deputy.

My creativity showed up in new and interesting ways.  Even though thing were moving slowly with the courts and the tenant had completely given up on moving and was doing nothing to help the situation,  I did not feel like that was all that could be done.  After sitting with things and looking over every angle of the situation,  I decided I could do more, so I did.  I called the tenant's list of contacts, the VA Vet hospital, lawyers, and reached out to friends.  People came through.  Friends of the renter came forward and we finished packing up what was left at the house and moved it all out.  As Claudia,  the renter's friend, said it best,  we each made a friend in each other in the process.

As the townhouse got cleared out,  I felt an amazing sense of relief and lightness.  It felt like a block in the road had been removed, and I could see the way forward.  My determination, creativity and vision  paid off big because I left the Springs with all that I had hoped to accomplish, accomplished: the townhouse was vacated, new locks were put on the doors,  new carpet and a refrigerator were picked out, I found and chose a great property management company,  and I ceremoniously cleared and blessed our little house to create space for new possibilities to arise.  I left feeling good about my efforts.  I left knowing that what is to come will be far better than what was before.

So here I am home again and am so grateful to be here.  It never ceases to amazing me how the difficult moments always teach you the most and create the greatest growth.  As I have made my way through the tough stuff, I am now able to enjoy the sweet stuff.  I feel free of the earthly heaviness and am now able to  leap over the moon with joy.  I embrace the light of the stars, the spacious feeling in my heart and the beauty of my life as it is at this time.  I have earned this ease.  I have earned this joy.  Let's celebrate!

Grateful Always,