Yesterday was the first day that I felt a real excitement come over me about the upcoming move. Of course, feeling this joy and anticipation is just another sign that we are choosing the right way for us. In fact, as I was trying to recall the last time I actually felt excited about moving, I realized it was when I was 24 and moving to Flagstaff. How about that?! I vividly remember the moment that I decided that Flagstaff was where I wanted to be.
I had been living in Phoenix at the time with my sister and her boyfriend. I had only been staying with them for the past 3 months as I had just moved back from Okinawa, Japan. I was adjusting to the states after spending a year in Japan. Anyway, I had gone up to Flag to visit a couple of friends and had a great time. I was just leaving town and heading back down the hill. And as I was driving past the pines toward Sedona, the sun was setting on the right and the bright, full moon was rising on the left. And just as I was taking in this glorious moment, I noticed a herd of elk grazing on the side of the road. It was if they all looked up and gazed at me as I drove by. It was such a powerful moment. I remember this sudden feeling of knowing that this was it, that Flagstaff was where I wanted to go next and where I needed to be.
How funny that I am recalling this vision and moment as we are preparing to move back. I feel that same inner knowing and a joy arising within me. It's a good feeling, and I am grateful.
I guess this is one of the perks of being a sensitive soul, you know what's right by how it feels. I trust my feelings instead of feeling bad about them. I think that this is what this time is all about, trusting my intuition, owning what I know, and allowing myself the freedom to follow my heart, to be courageous in blazing a new path, making positive changes, and living life out loud instead of behind some closed door of what I think I am supposed to do. Life is not about compliance. Life is about learning and seeking and thriving in every possible way. It's not about mimicry or molds or straight lines or even the right words. It's about honesty and guts and love and compassion, and being a force of good in the world.
I think this is what I am learning in my life right now. In teaching, can I trust my own voice and the guidance of my heart? Can I allow myself to find my own way, to try new things, to not feel stuck in doing what's always been done? Can I step outside the box, expand my thinking, teaching and practice? Yes! Yes, I can trust myself, my heart, my inner wisdom. I can TRUST.
As a mother, can I empower instead of dis-empower myself by the thoughts I think and the things I do? Can I admit when I am wrong or lazy or unsure and be honest about what is working and what is not? Am I willing to change things for the better? Can I be creative and willing to try new things in order to bring more harmony and love into our family. Yes! Yes, I can change things for the better. I can see my mistakes and shortcomings as the teachers they are. I can learn. And as a family we can change for the better. It's not all 'bad' by an means, but there is some real work that needs to be done, and I must be honest about that.
As a human being living this life, I can be forgiving of my mistakes, my trip-ups, and knock downs. I can get back up and begin again. I can climb out of the old skin and grow into a new one. I can make better choices one day at a time. I can take time to care for myself the way I know I need to. All I have to do is remember that I am worth what I need and deserving of what I want because my well being matters. There is no need for guilt. Guilt is just an excuse that gets in the way. I know. I use it a lot, or I feel it a lot. This is something I must be aware of in myself if I am ever going to change it.
In all of this, in all the facets of being human and living life, there is opportunity for change everywhere, all the time. Nothing has to stay the way it is and, well, it probably won't. So I guess, we remember that there is always a choice and a chance to learn. And often times, these choices sit on opposite ends of the spectrum. Fall down and stay down, or fall down and Get up. Mess up and make up or mess up and stay stuck. You get the idea. And if we happen to choose poorly one day, we can choose differently another day. We can begin again with the next breath or rising sun.
This is the beauty of life, it is meant to be lived in every way possible, big and vibrant, messy and beautiful. We are meant to be living in color and living out loud, to reach out, shout out, and give out what we can.