"It's true time flies faster than a blink of an eye"
As usual, it is late, and here I am coming to the page. I can't help myself. It's quiet in the house at the moment with everyone else asleep. Even the dog and cat are asleep. I will just give myself over to the tired that I will surely feel tomorrow as my need to connect to myself and my desire to write are winning out over an extra hour of sleep.
It's been a hard few weeks. I have been feeling really overwhelmed and lacking on so many levels. I don't know if all that I have been through since Lila's birth has finally caught up to me or if this is just part of life with a newborn. The changes have been big for us and more change is on the horizon. I swear I think I write that every month. I suppose I should just get used to the fact that change is ever present and ongoing. I guess the timing for more change couldn't be better with the arrival of fall and all, which doesn't feel like much here in the desert since the obvious signs of colored leaves and cool air are not yet here. Fall in the desert is subtle but persistent.
In general, October has always been and seems to be a month of big changes and moving for me. Four years ago this month, Jason , Liam and I moved here to Tucson from Colorado Springs. Five years ago, on the second of October to be exact, Liam was born and our lives were forever altered. This month will mark yet another move, another big change for me and my family. My family and I will let go of and say goodbye to our little house here on Avenida de Suenos and move into a new house. We are foreclosing on this house here on the Avenue of Dreams and it is bittersweet. This is not a surprise to us and we knew foreclosure time was coming. In the end, though, I believe the move will be good for us. I feel that we as a family need the change, and we need more space. So every week and weekend Jason and I spend our extra time looking for just the right place and view all the houses that seem like possibilities. We have not yet found the place we are looking for but will very soon.
I really hope the move, while it may be a bit chaotic at the start, will be the thing that helps jolt us into making the other changes we need to create more harmony and happiness in our lives. It seems like we need more of both as we are experiencing to much of the opposite as of late.
In fact, I have wondered recently if I am dealing with post partum depression on some level or if the sadness, frustration and overwhelm I sometimes feel are normal given all that's gone on in the past 3 months. Maybe I simply have some baby blues and am in serious need of some time for myself to care for my own needs. Maybe it's simply all part of the transitional phase of welcoming another child into my life. Maybe it's a combination of all of it.
Although I feel uncertain about a lot, I am certain all these challenges are chiseling away the unneeded aspects of myself I no longer need. Life has a way of doing that, of wearing away the stuff we don't need, leaving behind the valuable and the beautiful.
All I can say is, there is never a dull moment. I feel everything. At least I know I am alive, that my heart is beating and full. I have a family and I love them. Though it is not always easy, I give thanks for my family of teachers and the teachings being offered to me at this time. Everyday, my husband, son and daughter show me where progress and positive change are needed and that my patience and persistence are required at this time. My creativity is required. My desire to derive the most good, the most joy out of each moment is required. And most importantly, my desire to do better and be better are at the forefront.
All I can do is stay with it and have faith in my ability to handle whatever comes my way. This time and phase in my life will soon pass and it will be on to the next thing. Better to enjoy this time now than to regret it latter as I will probably only remember the good stuff, the moments that made me smile. I may remember hard moment but what will remain is the fact that we managed to deal with the difficult moments positively and they made us wiser and stronger in the end.
For now, I must focus on what matters and that is my family. Everything else can wait and will be there when I am ready for it.
Drink in the moment and savor the taste,