Luminous Lotus~

About a month ago I tried to write a blog and got half way through.  It seems I am in some sort of time warp as time passes so quickly these days and I never seem to get all of what I want done. This part of motherhood is frustrating for me as I am someone who likes to get a certain amount of things done. I am learning to let go of this need a little at a time.  Since my last attempt to write, Christmas has come and gone and a new year has begun.  It's strange that it is only 11 days into the new year and the new year feels like it arrived months ago.  See,  I am in a time warp. Very weird.  Anyway, there has been a lot of inner work going on for me.  This has been a time of reevaluating everything from the way I parent to the way I care about myself.  Mostly,  I have come to realize that patience and presence is an everyday practice when it comes to parenting and is something that I am learning how to be better at.  It is a time of sh...

It’s been nearly two months since I last updated my blog and this is the fourth time I have taken time to write. I am just now finally able to complete an entry.  A lot has gone on in the past couple of months. Life and the little ones are keeping me busy. My family and I have moved house, and we are still in the process of unpacking, organizing, decorating and settling in.  I forgot how long it takes to get settled.  I am impatient and am again reminded of how difficult big changes like this are for me. It has been a hard time for me personally on many levels.  I think that I have been in a mourning process of sorts.  I knew that we were foreclosing on our little two-bedroom house and even though I do feel we made the right choice in our situation, it hasn’t been easy.   I am still sad we had to say goodbye to our little house with Olive trees.  I had a lot of vision for that little house and we put a lot of love into that place.  That being ...

"It's true time flies faster than a blink of an eye" As usual, it is late, and here I am coming to the page. I can't help myself.  It's quiet in the house at the moment with everyone else asleep.  Even the dog and cat are asleep.  I will just give myself over to the tired that I will surely feel tomorrow as my need to connect to myself and my desire to write are winning out over an extra hour of sleep. It's been a hard few weeks.  I have been feeling really overwhelmed  and lacking on so many levels.  I don't know if all that I have been through since Lila's birth has finally caught up to me or if this is just part of life with a newborn.  The changes have been big for us and more change is on the horizon.  I swear I think I write that every month.  I suppose I should just get used to the fact that change is ever present and ongoing.  I guess the timing for more change couldn't be better with the arrival of fall and all, which doesn't...

I've been wanting to write for a while now but the time to do so seems to elude me.  Here it is probably a month later and I am just getting around to jotting a few words down.  It's been a good couple of months off.  It's been all about family, healing, love, and transformation.  You'd think since this is my second child that the transition into motherhood only applies to the first child but that is not the case.  I find that I have been changed by my second baby too. Changes have occurred in my body, mind and heart. I look at my body and the changes are both subtle and obvious.  From the linea negra, the vertical line on the belly during pregnancy, to the massive outer changes in my physical form. The fading line that runs the length of my belly is subtle, but I notice everyday that it is lighter than it was the day before. The shape of my belly is the most obvious and visible sign of change I see as it went from very full and round to, well, sor...

It's Friday afternoon and quiet for a moment.  I rarely have time these days to sit down and write or do much for myself for that matter.  I think I forgot that you don't have time to get much done with a newborn.  We spend most of our days at home, in doors at the moment.  I do try to go on a quick  30 to 40 minute walk with the dog and get a shower in before Jason leaves for work most mornings and that helps put me in a better head space. Sometimes the days seem long and go slow and at other times they seem to go fast. The days are full of nursing Lila, playing with her and then getting her back to sleep. In between here short naps, I get Liam and myself something to eat and we play while we can, and then I try to wash the dishes or get some laundry done.  There never seems to be enough time for anything.  I simply do what I can. The good news is that Lila is awake for longer periods of about an hour before she is ready to sleep again. ...

Lila is 21 days old or 3 weeks old today and doing great.  She is a very sweet baby and is pretty easy to soothe. Here at the Tullous household we are all adjusting to life as a family of four and slowly settling into a rhythm.  Things are mostly good with an occasional rough day thrown in the mix.  I have, of course,  hit the wall of tired but am surviving.  The good news is that Lila is starting to sleep for longer stretches between feedings at night and that helps.  Liam is doing pretty well with things for the most part, and we all seem to be recovering from our rough start and stint in the hospital. He does have his days where he seems to want and need more of my time and attention, and I do my best to be available and present with him.  Liam loves his little sister and wants to touch her, kiss her and hug her constantly.  In fact, we have to remind Liam to give her a little space especially when Lila is tired and trying to go to sleep...

I am sitting in the NICU at UMC here in Tucson trying to make sense of the last few days, but I don't think that that is going to happen.  All I can say is that it's been an epic week.  On June 8, 2011, 30 hours after labor began,  Lila June Tullous was born at 8:33 a.m. weighing in at 8 lbs. 8 oz. and 18.5 inches long.  I would say that my labor experience was really good up until the end when things changed suddenly and abruptly.  Even though the labor was long, things were going well and pretty much the way Jason and I had hoped things would go with laboring at home for a long time and having the most supportive people around us.  I was in the pushing phase of labor when my uterus ruptured, when my uterus tore along my previous c-section scar line and then tore down to the right in a j shape.  With my uterus torn in two places and with the stress of labor, the placenta then detached from the uterine wall.  Fortunately,  my doctor a...