Friday, August 22, 2014
August has been a bear of a month. I don't know if everything that is coming up and out has to do with the move, or if this is just an intense month astrologically and universally, but it's all felt like way too much! Maybe there is a deep sadness and feeling of loss in the air from the passing of Robin Williams and Mr. Iyengar. I mean I certainly feel the intensity and have noticed the sadness. And maybe my kids feel all this too and just don't know how to process it. I don't know.
All I can tell you is that life has been extra hard lately and life with the kids has been extra challenging with meltdowns or tantrums almost everyday, painfully long bedtimes, poor sleep, and general mayhem most days. Truly, my family life feels so emotionally chaotic and spiritually draining these days. Don't get me wrong, there have been some sweet moments mixed in with both kids and one good day together as a family. And during those moments, I feel hopeful that we can get past this and be happy more of the time than not. Really, this less than peaceful family life has been like this for a while, much longer than a few weeks, so I think it's all been adding up. As I am thinking all this over, I realize that there has been very little time to rest, reflect and regroup and that makes it so hard to function as a parent.
So here I am tapping away on the keys trying to figure this all out and process life as it is right now. I guess in all fairness, there is a lot of new going on in our lives. Liam just started school and this will be his first full week. Jason was gone for 10 days in Colorado for a big bike race and has just returned. Liam crashed on his way to school on his first day and came home shaken and bummed. Then, he got sick at the end of his first week of school with and fever and cold. That cold was then passed on to Lila who is just starting to feel better. And since Jason's return, things have not gotten easier but rather more intense amped up. There is more, of course, but this is enough. I can only assume this is the "adjustment period" we are going through. I'm ready to move on, thank you very much.
I will say that even though I still have some building and connecting to do with my current classes and new students, teaching is going well. I really love the intro to yoga series group. They are a lot of fun! And getting out of the house to go practice and teach helps me so much. My practice helps me reconnect on every level and grounds me in my body, centers me in my heart, and gives my freaking mind and nerves a much needed break. And teaching and sharing the practice with others makes me feel valuable and useful. And honestly, I really need to be reminded of that right now because at home I am not feeling valued. I feel needed, but not valued. What can I say, a little "thank you" and help goes a long way.
It sucks to feel like I am failing miserably at home despite all the love and attention that I put into my family. I take good care of my kids and I love them immensely. And yet, far too often lately, their behavior is insane and I ask myself who these little creatures are and where did my sweet, happy, loving little people go? I just don't get it, and I certainly haven't figured any of this out yet. I will keep at it until I figure things out, though. Besides, it's not my nature to give up. I may have to sit down and stop for a moment, but I do not quit.
That said, I sure hope things lighten up and shift soon. I mean it has to, right? It certainly can't go on like this forever. In the meantime, all I can do is endure this phase and have faith in this strange process of change.