A BIG let go~
I let go of my Anusara-inspired status and of further pursuing certification. I haven't written a formal letter to Anusara to share my decision and don't know that I need to. I simply chose not to pay my annual dues. I have thought about calling and paying every day for the last two weeks so that I could buy myself a year of wait-and-see what becomes of Anusara. However, every time I would tell myself I needed to call and pay, something in me would just stop. I just couldn't find the motivation to pay. I guess I am not compelled or convinced of anything as far as Anusara goes. I don't mean this in a negative or critical way. It simply comes down to how I feel on the inside. As I would ask and sit with the question of " should I stay?" or "should I go?", the answer I get is, "let go".
Things just feel so different to me and, well, they are. The way I see it is that a change is a change no matter how you present it. There is no going back to what was in anything. I feel both happy and sad, excited and a bit fearful of the unknown and what this means for me now. Mostly, though, I feel good about my decision even if it feels a little uncomfortable at the moment. I think the awkward, what-next feeling is just part of the letting go. It's a lot like the feeling you get when you are trying to change a bad habit, like negative self-talk or the habitual cracking of knuckles or toes. You feel the need to do what you do and then when you have to stop yourself, it feels odd. You see, when I was traveling the Anusara-get-certified path, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to attend immersions, teacher trainings and workshops to acquire hours, read books on the required list, pay annual dues, have my teaching observed by a certified teacher and have the paperwork filled out, send in signed ethical licencing agreement, take test, send in 1.5 hour DVD of me teaching a class, wait to hear the news and so on. You get the idea.
Now, I can simply do what I do. There is no need to get a stamp of approval, just the desire to learn from as many teachers as I can, grow, do my best, and give it out to others. I feel free to truly go in the direction my heart is leading me wether that's into a restorative training, a writing workshop, a reiki training, a workshop or the like. I can spend my money and time other places which is nice because let's face it, all the trainings, workshops and immersions add up.
And in all honesty, I felt that the certification requirements were getting out of hand. Don't get me wrong, I value hard work and self study. I know that doing the work would be of value in many ways and in more ways than I can know from where I am at. It just seemed like things were getting more rigid while at the same time the message was to be more expressive and creative. I felt a bit confused. And then there was the Shiva/Shakti Tantra and other things that I am not so sure I really align with and feel are relevant or applicable to my life. I thought that if learn these things, I might warm to them and they'll make better sense. It has never felt natural, though. I really do align with the view that "God dwells within you as you." That works for me. I love the mystery of the unknown, of the Divine or Spirit or God as formless and beyond knowing or understanding with the mind. I love the simple feeling of knowing we are all part of something bigger, whatever that is.
Power, beauty, creativity, breath, freedom of movement, light in the eyes, flowing water, lightening bugs, the cycle of life, a sky full of stars are all present in this big, wide, wonderful world we are so blessed to be a part of. This is enough for me to believe in the magic and power of the Divine. I see light and Spirit pulsing within everything and am amazed. There is so much in this experience of life that cannot be explained or really understood and that is as it should be. Some things we just have to trust. Since I do not know and cannot see the big picture, all I can only do is what is in front of me right now and that is enough. I believe the rest of what is needed will follow.
As I have been sitting with things these last few months and allowing things to unfold in the Anusara community, it is beginning to make more sense to me. Personally, I think we have all been preparing for this time of change, we just didn't know it. This whole Anusara break-up has been a wake-up call for so many and a great catalyst for change. And hasn't the message all along been about learning to follow the way of the heart and stay with the flow even if that means we are lead a different way? It seems to me a great door has been opened and we are free to walk through if that is what we feel guided to do. It seems to me that the time and energy I have spent studying and practicing Anusara has served it's purpose and has served me well.
We are all free to further share the teachings, not that we haven't been before, it just feels different now. It is as if we all trust ourselves more. I know I do. What I have learned over the years and really believe is that sharing the teachings in an authentic way is simply about trusting the process and having full faith in my ability to give voice to what is rising up within. I am thrilled that this is what's happening for me right now. I am trusting what I am hearing on the inside. I am moving from that place within that is connected and pure. I feel a great sense of freedom to be myself and to offer whatever it is I feel is needed. And I gotta tell you that it feels good not to worry so much about the details and just let it fly and let myself go with the flow. I am still in a transitional place with teaching mind you and, of course, I have lots more to learn, but I feel good. To me this is a sign that I have made the right choice and am on the right path. All I have to do is stay open and feel my way to the next thing.
In the words of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois, "Practice and all is coming."
So I will continue to practice in all ways, in all areas of my life, to the best of my ability and see what comes.
Big Audible Sigh~
Friday, May 4, 2012
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With Great Love,